Repeating History
by beyond-the-twilight
Summary: "She starts to crawl back because her entire life is in that car... she's just a little too late because it explodes in front of her eyes". Finchel; Tartie; Quick; eventual Puckleberry relationship; Pezberry, Brittberry and Cherryford friendship.
1. The Story of Lima, Ohio

**A/N: This is my new multi-chaptered story written for Gleek06216's request for a future Puckleberry story with Pezberry and Cherryford friendship. This is the story of Lima, Ohio (or Rachel's story, featuring Finn, Tina, Artie, Kurt and minor Mr. Schue and Emma), and the next chapter will be the story of New York (or Puck's, Santana's, Brittany's, Mike's and Matt's story with minor Quinn bits). **

**As this is AU, there are a few things you need to know. Will and Terri got divorced when he refused to take a highly paid accounting job, but he and Emma never had a relationship. Kurt never had a crush on Finn and he wasn't violently bullied. Blaine never existed, and neither did Tina's stutter. New Directions consisted of Finn, Rachel, Tina, Kurt, Artie and the members of the club **_**before **_**Will took over. Oh, and Burt and Carole met in a grocery store; Kurt didn't set them up. **

**I do not own Glee. **

* * *

><p>After all those years of slushy attacks and dumpster dives, they're finally finished with high school. After being the bottom of the food chain for so long, they're finally ready to move on to bigger and better things.<p>

She and Finn are leaving for New York in a week and a half – she's ready for Julliard and he's received an apprenticeship with some mechanic that Burt Hummel knows from high school. Tina and Artie will be staying in Ohio, together, because Artie's too used to Lima to move anywhere else and Kurt's moving to LA to do fashion correspondence for a fancy magazine.

Tonight's their last night together as a group and it's a daunting experience. For as long as she can remember, it's been the five of them against the world, especially when Finn got kicked off the football team and was suddenly classified as a full "Gleek".

But tonight, they aren't concentrating on the future. They're concentrating on their friendship, and the music that's held them together for all these years.

The radio is turned up loud and they're all singing along, even Finn, although he's supposed to concentrating on the road. No one minds though – Lima's a quiet town and they're only taking the ten minute route to Mr. Schue's, who has kindly agreed to throw them a graduation party.

It's the kind of perfect moment that just can't be planned.

* * *

><p>The rain starts quickly. It's not surprising; it's been raining a lot lately, so none of them think anymore of it.<p>

Kurt does some weird dance move in the back seat, restricted by the seat belt, so she turns around to look at him, before bursting into laughter. Her laughter makes Finn turn around as well, and for a few seconds, the two of them just stare at Kurt, their hands linked over the gear stick.

His eyes are only off the road for a few seconds, but that's enough.

The car hits a puddle of water and careens out of control. She doesn't even realize what's happening until she can't hear the radio anymore. All she can hear is her friends screaming, and the horrible sound of metal tearing.

The car has gone straight into a tree, but it's not finished. The tree slices right through the car, straight down the middle, right where Tina was sitting just a second ago.

"Tina", she yells out, but the metal is still tearing and no one can hear her because they don't reply. Finn's head is slumped over the steering wheel and there's _blood. _

And Kurt's not singing anymore and she can't hear Artie's laughter and she can't even see Tina anymore, just a large part of tree through the middle of the car.

It gets worse though, because there's metal flying everywhere and it's just too much. There's a dripping sound too, and she realizes quickly that its petrol and _oh god, the car is going to explode. _

She doesn't stop to think, she just pulls herself out of the car, one agonizing inch at a time until she's away from the car.

When she looks back, she sees the most horrifying sight of her life. The car is almost torn in two with the piece of tree holding them together.

She starts to crawl back to the car because her boyfriend is in there, and her future step-brother-in-law, and her best friend and her best friends boyfriend – her entire life is in that car.

She's just a little too late though, because the car explodes in front of her eyes.

* * *

><p>Mr. Schue is the first one on the scene. He saw the explosion from his house, and it makes her feel sick to realize that they were only a couple of hundred metres from their destination.<p>

He wraps his arms around her and cradles her to his chest and she just wants the noise to stop because there's this loud, grating scream in her ears and it's giving her a headache.

It takes her a while to realize that the screaming is coming from her mouth.

* * *

><p>An ambulance arrives soon after, its sirens blaring, and they strap her to a gurney. They're saying things about mild burns, and broken bones and a possibility that she may never walk again, and she wishes they'd shut up.<p>

She wants to be back in that car, to tell Finn to keep his eyes on the road, to save them all. When she finds her voice, she orders them to go back for her friends because they are survivors. They've never given up before, and they won't give up now.

The paramedics just look at her and one of them is near tears.

This can't be good.

* * *

><p>She's in the hospital for months. They even put her in a medically induced coma for the first few days because of her physical injuries and the emotional grief.<p>

She misses Tina and Artie's joint funeral, and she misses Kurt's memorial service (Burt decides not to do a funeral because there's been too many of those lately).

She even misses Finn's funeral (Carole had to have one because of the amount of people that wanted to come – even the jocks who picked on Finn wanted to be there), and that fact alone makes her throw up three times that day.

And through it all, her dad's are there, promising her that it will get better, and that she'll do great things because she's doing it for all of them now.

She just wants to give up and die.

* * *

><p>They tell her that she'll probably never walk again because she broke her back in the accident. They give her a wheelchair that's too much like Artie's, so she refuses to sit in it and spends days on end in bed, eating ice-cream and watching soap operas.<p>

Carole visits her all the time, bringing pie and casserole and pictures and hugs and tears and she just wants Mrs. Hudson to leave because she can't cope with this, not now, not ever.

She had her life all planned out and this was never part of the plan.

She can't cope with something that wasn't part of the plan.

* * *

><p>On her wall is a montage of photos of the five of them. There's one of them after their first national win, with their arms linked and huge smiles on their faces, and one of Finn with his arm around her – taken on their one year anniversary.<p>

Her dads put them up while she was in the hospital and she hates it. She's not her own person anymore because Rachel Berry doesn't exist. She's lost herself but that doesn't matter because she's _Finn, Kurt, Tina, Artie _and she's living for all of them.

She wants to tear down the photos but she can't hurt her dad's like that.

She goes to sleep with their eyes on her, and she hears their screams in her nightmares. She wakes up and their eyes are still on her and she can't breathe with her friends staring at her like that.

She finds herself sneaking out of her bedroom at night (as soon as her dad's are asleep), creeping to the spare bedroom and sleeping in there, and sneaking back to her bedroom before her dad's wake up. (They all pretend that they don't hear the sound of her wheelchair rolling down the hallway every night)

(The nightmares don't stop).

* * *

><p>She's so lonely all the time because no one understands. She picks up her phone to call Tina because her best friend always understood.<p>

It rings three times before she remembers that Tina isn't going to pick up her phone. Already crying, she hangs up and dials Kurt, then Artie and finally Finn but none of them answer.

She doesn't want to be the only one left.

* * *

><p>She considers suicide, more than once, because it's just so hard to get out of bed in the morning. She sits in the hospital issued wheelchair and stares at the wall all day because the grief is just so much.<p>

She'd be able to cope with it if she'd just lost one person but she's lost four and she's slowly losing her mind.

But, after everything that's happened, she's afraid of blood and her dads are in charge of her medication and there's no way for her to kill herself.

And on the really bad days, she thinks of her dads and Carole and Burt, and Mr and Mrs. Abrams and Mr and Mrs. Cohen-Chang and she can't go through with it because she's all they have left.

(And on the really, really bad days, she wishes they'd just let her die with what little pride she has left).

* * *

><p>Her dad's hire a therapist, who comes to the house on Tuesday's and Thursday's. She's a nice enough woman, who shows up on time and always wears a different perfume but she doesn't last long.<p>

She says that she knows it's hard right now because _her _friends were wonderful people but that's enough for Rachel.

This woman didn't know Finn, Tina, Kurt and Artie. She didn't know that Kurt's favourite movie was "Finding Nemo" or that Finn loved her eyes more than anything else. She didn't know that she and Tina referred to each other as sister, or that Artie had an engagement ring on hold so that he could propose on Tina's birthday (which also happened to be their anniversary).

She doesn't know any of this and she doesn't see them as people. She only knows they existed because their death made national news.

For the first time in weeks, Rachel feels something other than grief. She's ridiculously angry and she orders the therapist to get out.

* * *

><p>Her dad's hire a physiotherapist next and he says that it'll be practically impossible for her to walk again.<p>

She looks up at the wall of photos and sees one of Finn smiling at her. She's looking at something in the distance and before the accident, she loved the photo because Finn looks so in love with her.

She vows, right then and there, that she will walk again; for all of them – especially Artie, who never had the chance to relearn how to walk because his injury was so severe.

So she asks (orders) her dad's to find her a physiotherapist who will believe in her.

They smile for the first time in months.

* * *

><p>A year after the accident, and they think she's getting better. She's been home for about eight months now, after spending almost four months in the hospital.<p>

Her physiotherapist is still teaching her how to walk and she can now navigate the house on crutches, which makes sneaking to the spare room a lot easier than when she used to do it in the wheelchair.

She doesn't feel better necessarily because she still hears them screaming at night, but she puts on a show for her family.

They think she's getting better until Carole pops in with a letter she'd found in Finn's room, dated a week before the accident. She doesn't want to read it but Carole insists. Finn used to write to his dad, even though he was dead, as a way to feel close to him.

"Carole, I can't do that. They're private letters"

But Carole insists, pressing the page into her hands, before flitting out of the house, instinctively knowing that Rachel will want to be alone when she reads this.

* * *

><p><em>Dad, <em>

_This will probably be the last letter I ever write to you. I'm moving to New York with Rach and it feels like my life is finally starting. It's scary but at the same time, kind of perfect. Just like Rachel really. _

_You would have loved her dad, just like I do. _

_She talks too much and way too fast but she's so passionate about things that it's cute. She has the voice of an angel and when she sings, the whole world stops turning. Or at least my world does. _

_I don't know what's going to happen when we get to New York but I know that she'll be by my side through it all. I'm going to marry her dad, I just know it. I've had a ring on hold for months, just like Artie, and I've been paying it off, bit by bit. I won't do it just yet though. I'll wait until she's the lead on a Broadway show and propose to her on stage after the opening night is finished. _

_It's just so Rachel and she'll have no choice but to say yes. _

_Wish me luck Dad. _

_Love, Finn. _

* * *

><p>She takes to writing letters to her friends. They aren't deep and meaningful because she can't deal with that yet but just meaningless little anecdotes.<p>

She'll reminisce about memories and jokes they shared, and she finds herself smiling more after writing those letters.

Her new therapist, Emma Pillsbury from McKinley High, says that she won't be able to fully move on until she's able to come to terms with the fact that her friends are gone and she's not, but she doesn't care.

She likes the carefree feeling that fills her chest when she writes the notes.

* * *

><p>She's never felt anything more painful that trying to relearn how to walk (except, as the voice in the back of her head gleefully reminds her, pulling her body out of the car, inch by agonising inch).<p>

She can't do it and is so close to giving up until one day she succeeds.

It's just one small shaky step, followed by another small shaky step, followed by _another _small shaky step, until she's made her way to the kitchen.

Her physiotherapist screams in joy and her dads come rushing in (they aren't allowed to watch her because it's too much pressure) with smiles that might just split their faces open.

She smiles too because she can see Finn, Tina, Kurt and Artie in the corner. They're looking at her and smiling and she's never felt anything as strong as this. Her dads start yelling with joy and she tears her eyes away from her friends for just a second so that she can see the excitement on her dad's faces.

The second is all it takes for her friends to disappear and then she's alone again.

(She hates being alone).

* * *

><p>She gets the letter from Julliard on the anniversary of their death. It's been two years to the day but that pain in her heart is still there. It was Finn's birthday last week and her father's didn't remember until she threw up over the kitchen sink. They're starting to forget and it's killing her.<p>

Her daddy hovers as she opens the envelope and her eyes fill with tears as she absorbs the words... "Sorry for your loss"... "Sympathetic to the situation"... "Unfortunately, the deferral period is over"... "Accept the position or send in a letter of decline".

Her dad holds her while she cries but neither of them offers any words of comfort. Julliard has been her dream ever since she was seven years old, and she doesn't know how to make this decision – she can barely get out of bed most mornings but she can't turn down Julliard.

(That night, her friends haunt her dreams, begging her not to leave them).

* * *

><p>Julliard decides for her. Her parents fly her to New York for her birthday and to see the director of the school. He asks her to perform for him - a second audition of sorts - that all students must go through before enrolling.<p>

Her voice is dull and scratchy, her vocal cords damaged from smoke inhalation. Her performance is passionless, her expression blank as she delivers her monologue. Her dance moves are slow and laborious, her legs unable to keep up with the rest of her body.

The director sits her down at the end of her audition and regretfully tells Rachel what she already knows: she's no longer Julliard material.

Her dad's tell her that everything will be okay, and this time, she thinks it might be... eventually. She flies home; her dad's sitting on either side of her, her mind made up.

She will move to New York.

* * *

><p>She wakes up at 6am every morning to study. She reads and analyses texts, practices speaking in the mirror and writes numerous essays. She's slowly learning how to motivate herself, and she's slowly regaining the study skills she's had no need for over the last two years.<p>

She doesn't tell her dad's about the plan until _after _she receives her acceptance letter. They look shell shocked and her daddy cries but she knows that they're proud of her for finally doing more than lying in bed all day.

* * *

><p>She decides to move into the dorms at NYU to save money. Her dad's used most of her college tuition to pay off her medical bills and she knows they can't afford private housing. She's told that her roommate is a girl called Brittany Pierce, a blonde who is conveniently the same age as her.<p>

She receives a letter from Brittany saying that she's really excited about sharing a room. The blonde explains all about her attempts to become a dancer, briefly mentioning the incident that damaged her knee, and then talks about how her best friend San encouraged her to get a degree and _teach _kids about dance. Brittany seems nice enough and Rachel even writes back to her, explaining that she used to be interested in dance, theatre and singing but now she wants to become a book editor.

(She doesn't mention that this is so she'll lose herself in another world).

* * *

><p>The day before she's due to leave, she has a panic attack. She's going to miss her dad's and she won't be able to survive by herself and she's in the middle of unpacking when Carole walks into her room.<p>

She shakes her head and embraces Rachel, who quickly breaks down in her almost-mother's arms.

"Sweetie, I know you're scared but you can do this. You are the bravest, most courageous young woman I've ever met. If anyone can survive this, it's you Rachel. And if things get really tough, we're all just a phone call away", she whispers, waiting until her 'daughter' has stopped crying before releasing her.

Together, they repack Rachel's bags, smiling at the stories Carole tells and memories that the pair discover. When all the bags are packed, Carole stands and hugs Rachel, whispering her goodbyes into the younger girls ear, before pressing a piece of cold metal into her hand.

"What is this?" Rachel asks, her voice breaking in the middle of the sentence, already have sure about what she's holding.

"I was going through Finn's bedroom on the weekend, packing up some of his clothes to donate to charity, and boxing up some of his games, when I found a letter from the jewellery store, saying that he had officially purchased an engagement ring. He wanted you to have it Rachel, so I picked it up, and brought it straight here. It's yours Rachel, and you need to have it for when you move to New York. It's a memento of your past as you move into your future. You'll be fine Rachel, I promise", she whispers, her eyes welling with tears.

(She wants more than ever to cancel her acceptance at NYU and just crawl back into her bed, but she can't because Carole believes in her).

* * *

><p>Her flight lands late at night. Her legs are stiff from sitting for such a long time and there's a small imprint in her lip from the continuous biting. The ring swings from the chain hanging around her neck as she stands up, and she tries to ignore the burning pain it leaves on her chest.<p>

The kind gentleman sitting next to her gently hands her her hand language from the overhead department and she makes sure she smiles at him as she walks off the plane. The cold air whips at her face as soon as she makes it out of the airport, and a small smile stretches across her face as she takes in the city lights.

She has no problem catching a taxi to the hotel her father's offered to pay for. She's already checked in over the phone so she grabs the key waiting for her in the afterhour's box and heads straight up to her room.

She falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow.

* * *

><p>She checks out early the next morning, after calling her dad's and telling them that she's okay. She takes a taxi straight to the NYU campus, finding her dorm room easily, mainly because of the laughter and music drifting through the open door.<p>

As soon as she walks in, there's a squeal before Brittany throws her arms around her for a hug.

"This is going to be so much fun! This is Mike, Santana and Matt. Mike's my boyfriend and he works in a dance studio. He's a really good dancer. Matt's his best friend and he's studying to be a layer, just like San. She's his girlfriend but most of all, she's my best friend. She may seem mean at first but she's like the Grinch. She's mean until someone loves her and then her heart unfreezes and she's really, really nice".

"Wow, easy Britt. Let the girl breath", Mike teases while Santana growls and Matt smiles at the scene in front of him.

"Okay, you look like a decent chick, or at least a lot better than some of the idiots I've seen walking around this place. Now, Britt's my best friend so we're gonna get some things straight. Don't steal her shit; don't leave the room while it looks like a complete dump; don't bring guys home without giving her a chance to make other plans and most importantly, do not let her consume Red Bull, coffee or any other energy drink", Santana explains, listing off the things she's mentioned on her fingers.

"We won't have a problem. None of those things are going to be an issue", she says softly, at the same time Matt tells Santana to give it a rest.

The fiery Latina turns to glare at her boyfriend, but soon laughs when she sees his puppy dog eyes. "Where's Puck?" she asks Matt, her eyes worried. "He said he'd be here for this"

"San, relax. He's not going to go off the rails just because Quinn called him. He's at work and he's going to be okay", Matt says soothingly, attempting to console his girlfriend before turning to face Brittany with a smile. "Let's get you settled in Britt and then we'll take you and Rachel out for celebratory drinks"

The blonde squeals again and her enthusiasm is contagious. Within seconds, Santana, Matt and Mike are all laughing with their friend, and Rachel even forces a smile as Brittany pulls all of them into a group hug.

"This is going to be an amazing year. I just know it", Brittany squeals.

(She wants to agree with Brittany but this small group is so much like her own that it terrifies her. History always repeats itself).

* * *

><p><strong>AN #2: Next up - The Story of New York City**


	2. The Story of New York City

A loud cheer erupts from the auditorium as they officially graduate, but it doesn't matter to him. Quinn, his beautiful girlfriend of two years, is crying as she tries to explain why she's been so weird over the last two weeks.

"Babe, what's wrong?" he asks, his brows furrowed.

"I'm pregnant. Two months pregnant. Oh god, I am so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen", she whispers, her voice breaking.

His heart sinks in his chest. Two months ago, he and Quinn were in a major fight. They were barely speaking to each other, let alone having sex. His girlfriend is pregnant but he's not the father.

"I was mad at you so I went out with Santana to this stupid bar that doesn't check ID. She left early because Britt called her and said that she wanted to watch a scary movie. Santana invited me too but my drink was still full and I just wasn't in the mood for a horror movie. There was this guy who bought me a few more drinks, and he seemed really nice. He kissed me and I didn't stop to think about it – I just kissed him back and when he offered to take me home, I said yes. My parents were out for the night and I just didn't want to be alone, so I said yes. I'm so sorry Puck; I didn't know I would get pregnant... I had hoped that I would never have to talk about him... I had hoped that I could forget it ever happened. Please, I'm so sorry, don't leave me. Please"

"I can't look at you right now Quinn", he whispers, as more loud noises drift out of the auditorium. He's fairly sure he can hear Santana and Brittany screaming with joy.

"Please, you can't leave me", she screams after him as he walks away.

(He tries to ignore that stabbing feeling in his chest but he just _can't_).

* * *

><p>Santana's the one who tracks him down. Before she started dating Matt, she was him in female form, so she knows all of his hangouts, and even knows never to show up empty handed when he's angry.<p>

"Puck, I just heard. I'm really sorry", she says softly, handing her a bag of food that she picked up on her way to find him.

"I don't need your pity Satan", he hisses, his eyes bloodshot and his hands trembling as he reaches to pick up his drink.

"It's not pity Puck. It's concern. I'm worried about you. You haven't spoken to any of us in three days, and Quinn's been crying her eyes out, and Brittany's been trying to comfort her even though the bitch doesn't deserve it, and Mike and Matt have been looking for you but they had no idea where you went, and you're my friend, so I couldn't just leave you".

"I thought she was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. I've done nothing but support her for the last two years and this is how she repays me. I can't even think about her without feeling sick and I have no idea where to go from here", he says softly, his eyes avoiding Santana's.

"She made a mistake Puck. She slept with someone else and lied about it. In the grand scheme of things, it was a _huge _mistake. We all know that, her most of all. She's still sitting in your apartment though. She hasn't tried to run away and she hasn't gone to that guy and told him that he's going to be a father. Shetold _you. _She loves _you. _She wants you to be the father. She made a huge mistake Puck, there's no denying that, but she's still Quinn. She's still the girl you're head over heels in love with. That's why this hurts so much. She's still Quinn", Santana replies, before patting him awkwardly on the back and walking out of the bar, instinctively knowing that he needs time to think.

(His minds already made up though. He's going back).

* * *

><p>There's no denying that it's tough. She cries delicate tears that turn into full blown sobs, and often dissolve into hysteria. She's paranoid that he's going to leave, or that he's going to cheat on her so that she'll feel the same way he feels.<p>

He slams doors and doesn't talk to her for hours at a time. He can't look at her without wanting to throw something, but he can't leave because she's _Quinn_. They're slowly tearing each other apart, and their friends can do nothing but watch on helplessly.

The only thing keeping them together is the baby. He's always wanted to be a father, and as Matt tells him one night, a father isn't necessarily the person who created you; it's the person who raised you. He's determined to be a good dad to the baby and make none of the mistakes his own dad made when he left them.

They're surviving until something comes along and shatters them.

* * *

><p>Quinn's four months pregnant. She's moody and depressed because she was supposed to be starting university but instead, she's the size of a whale and waddling everywhere.<p>

She's angry at Brittany for pursuing her dancing dreams; angry at Mike for finding a job doing something he loves; angry at Santana and Matt for finding an apprenticeship at a local law firm. She's mad at him because he has a job in a tattoo parlour and she's stuck in their crappy apartment all day.

She tells him that she's putting the baby up for adoption on a Tuesday night and that nothing he says will change her mind. He packs his bags and leaves the next morning.

* * *

><p>Matt and Mike let him move in with them, and he appreciates it. He really, really does. Their apartment is down the hall from Santana and Brittany's, and he likes being close to his friends.<p>

He just doesn't like being close to Quinn, whose staying with Santana and Brittany.

He sees her in the mornings when he's leaving for work, and he sees her after work as she comes back from shopping, and doctor appointments and coffee with Santana and Brittany. She's there all the time, looking at him with sad eyes, just begging him to talk to her.

So he goes over to her one day after work and asks her if they can talk. He says that he can't forgive her for cheating on him and lying about it. He says he can't forgive her for wanting to put their baby up for adoption. She sticks the knife in a little further by saying that it's not his baby and that he has no say. He says that they're over, and she sniffles but doesn't cry.

"I'm moving back in with my mum and dad so you don't have to worry about seeing me around. I'll stay with them until the baby is born, and then I'm moving to Chicago. I've won an internship in a newspaper there, so I won't be coming back"

He just nods, his head reeling from all the information she's given him in the last couple of minutes. "Good luck with everything Quinn", he whispers when he regains his voice.

"Thank you for everything Puck. There's a part of me that will always love you, and even though you probably won't believe me, I really am sorry for everything I've done"

He walks away without a word because he doesn't know what to say to the girl who's taken everything he knew and shattered it without a second thought.

(She leaves three hours later).

* * *

><p>He sleeps around and drinks a lot. He picks up as many shifts as possible, and avoids his friends as much as possible, only talking to Mike and Matt when he can't avoid them in the apartment. He knows that he's pissing off Santana and upsetting Brittany, but he can't bring himself to care. Caring always ends up with him in pain.<p>

On the one year anniversary of Quinn leaving, he gets a phone call from a hysterical Santana, ordering him to get to the hospital immediately.

"Brittany fell off the stage at dance rehearsals. Some idiot hadn't dried the stage properly and she fell, and they rushed her to hospital, and we've been here for hours, and she shattered her knee and she's never going to be able to dance again", Santana sobs, barely stopping to breathe as she gets more and more hysterical.

He hangs up the phone without saying anything (he's never been good with crying girls) and jumps into the shower.

(He's at the hospital within the hour).

* * *

><p>Brittany's released from hospital after a week, but she's only a shadow of her former self. She doesn't laugh or tell them little anecdotes about her day and she's always tired.<p>

He sees Santana watching her with concern, her eyes tracking her best friend at all times. He sees Matt worrying about Santana, who loses weight because she's so worried about her best friend. He sees Mike slowly losing his excitement over every little thing in his life as he watches his girlfriend drift further and further away from him.

He realizes that this can't go on any longer when he overhears a conversation between Matt and Santana.

"Santana, you have to start eating properly. I know you're stressed about Brittany – we all are – but you're killing yourself. You have to stop doing this", Matt whispers to his girlfriend one evening while the rest of them are sitting in front of the television.

"She's my best friend Matt; I'm allowed to be worried about her. Dancing was her whole life and she can't do it anymore. She's lost part of herself and that means I've lost part of myself and I just can't deal with it".

"Watching you waste away is killing me Santana. It's bad enough that Brittany is fading away, and it's awful watching Mike lose everything that made him _Mike _but I can't lose you. I just can't", he whispers, stroking her hair away from her face.

"I've already lost Puck. I can't lose Brittany too. I am going to do everything in my power to get my best friend back, even if that pisses you off", she hisses, misinterpreting Matt's concern for an order to back away from Brittany.

"Santana..." he calls as she walks away from him, but she doesn't reply, merely slamming the apartment door behind her.

(He never realized he was hurting his friends).

* * *

><p>He talks to Brittany the next day. Matt, Mike and Santana are at work so he sits next to her on the couch and tells her to pull her head out of her ass.<p>

"You need to pull your head out of your ass Britt. Santana's freaking out, Mike's going insane and Matt's trying to hold everyone together but they just don't work without you", he tells the blonde bluntly (he's never had any tact).

She turns to look at him, a ferocious glare on her face, and he's a little scared. Brittany _never _gets angry. "I need to pull my head out of my ass? You fucking hypocrite", she screeches, her eyes wild. "You've been moping around this apartment for a whole year because Quinn left you. She's a bitch Puck, and you deserve so much better, but you've still been moping around. She's on her way to becoming a journalist and all you have to show for the last year is an indent in the couch from your ass, because you've haven't moved for the last twelve months!"

"Britt, calm down", he says softly, in an attempt not to spook her.

"I will not calm down! You have no idea what I've lost. I was supposed to be a dancer; it's all I've ever wanted, and because some idiot couldn't dry the stage, I can't achieve my dream! Everything I've worked for is for nothing", she whispers, breaking down in tears at the end of her sentence.

"Britt, you are more than just a dancer. You have Mike, and he loves you so much. He'd give up anything to be with you, and at the moment, he's slowly losing his mind because he's so concerned. You have Matt, whose trying to hold Santana and Mike together while trying to give you space because he considers you the closest thing he has to a sister. You have Santana. She's your soul mate Britt and she's not eating or sleeping properly because she's so worried about you", he tells the crying girl as he wraps her up into a hug. "And you have me".

At this, Brittany looks up, her eyes wide and confused.

"It's not fair for me to put you guys through this much crap. The four of you are my family, and I should have remembered that. You would have helped me through everything, and I'm finally ready to take you up on that offer".

"Of course we'll take care of you Puck. That's all we've wanted to do for the last year, but you've been pushing us away. It made me really sad", Brittany says quietly, her eyes trained on Puck's.

"You guys can take care of me if you'll let us take care of you Britt".

"Deal", she whispers, shaking his outstretched hand, before standing up and pulling him to his feet. "Now, we're going to make a really nice dinner for San, Mike and Matt to say sorry", she orders.

* * *

><p>They brush things under the rug after that, and choose to pretend that the bad things never happened. Brittany smiles and regains her enthusiasm, and he stops sleeping around, and becomes more dedicated to his job, not stopping until he's one of the best tattoo artists in the place.<p>

Santana convinces Brittany to go to university for a degree in dance so that she can teach at the same studio as Mike, and Britt agrees because she always agrees with whatever Santana deems a good idea.

Mike helps her edit together a montage of all her dance performances so that the university knows how she used to dance. Santana helps her buy new clothes and new stationary because Britt wants this to be a fresh start. Matt looks for a bigger apartment because Santana will be moving in with them now that Brittany has announced she wants to live in the dorm (he's grateful because he's so tired of sleeping on the couch). He helps Brittany pack all her boxes and buy new furniture for the dorm room.

(They all pretend they don't notice Brittany's tears when she sees her dance video).

* * *

><p>His phone rings one morning, waking him up from his nap on the couch. He doesn't recognise the number but he answers anyway, thinking it might be one of the girls he gave his number to months ago.<p>

"Puck... it's Quinn".

"What do you want Quinn?" he asks softly. Every few months, she gets drunk and calls him, gushing about how sorry she is and how much she wishes things were different.

"I'm so, so sorry Puck. Our baby would have been so beautiful and you would have been the best father ever. I didn't realize what I was doing Puck but if I could go back in time and change what I did, I would"

"Quinn, I get the same phone call from you every couple of months. Your drunk and you won't remember this phone call in the morning. Just... hang up now before you embarrass yourself, ok?"

"This times different Puck, I promise"

"You promised the same thing the last three times you called Quinn. I'm tired of hearing from you; I'm tired of not being able to move on because you won't let me. Just... you have to drop it Quinn... you have to let go of us, and you have to let me let go too".

"I can't do that. I've booked my flight home and I'm coming to see you. I miss San and Britt and Mike and Matt and I miss you most of all. I miss you guys... I left my family and I want to come home", she whispers, her voice filled with tears.

"You have no idea what's been going on in our lives. Brittany shattered her knee and she'll never be able to dance again. Santana's losing her mind worrying about her best friend, because no matter how hard Brittany tries to smile, there's always this little bit of pain in her eyes. Matt spends most of his time trying to hold us all together, because I'm generally drunk, Santana's generally pissed at me or worried about Brittany, Brittany's trying to smile even though she can't dance and Mike spends most of his time silent because he doesn't want to upset Britt by talking about dancing", he hisses down the phone.

"Well, I'm coming home and you can bring me up to speed on everything that's happened".

"Quinn, don't you dare come back here. You've hurt us all enough already", he says down the phone line but it's too late. She's already hung up.

(He sends a text message to everyone, letting them know that Quinn might be on her way home).

* * *

><p>He gets drunk on the second anniversary of Quinn leaving. He promised Santana that he would make an appearance at NYU to help Brittany settle in, but he just couldn't stomach it.<p>

He asks Matt to lie and say that he's at work because he can't cope with an angry Santana at the moment. It's hard enough dealing with an angry Santana at the best of times, but when he's drunk, her voice gets louder and she ends up practically screeching and he can never find the right words to calm her down.

She finds out anyway, because she's Santana and she always knows everything. She texts him at about 5pm, and he can already tell that she's pissed off.

**Satan [5.05pm] Brittany's settled in. Her roommate seems okay. We're going out for drinks. Have fun at "work" Puck. **

**Satan [5.09pm] You promised that you'd be here for this. **

**Satan [5.11pm] Don't ever make Matt lie to me again or I'll castrate you when you're sleeping. **

**Satan [5.30pm] Brittany just asked me why you weren't here. Do you enjoy being such a douche?**

Fuck. He's in trouble.

**Matt [5.32pm] Santana's pissed. Sober yourself up now and come up with a good excuse. I'm in the dog house now, so don't you dare dob me in. **

**Matt [5.40pm] If you aren't too drunk, get down to the bar now. Maybe you can start trying to get back into her good books early. **

(He goes to the bar because he needs to make Satan less angry. He smiles at Brittany and buys Santana drinks, and he's a total douche to Matt, for being a shit liar; Mike, for not standing up for him and Britt's new roommate, because she shouldn't be there).

* * *

><p>He wakes up the next morning, hung over and pissed off because someone's knocking at his door. A quick look at his clock tells him its 4pm, but he's still annoyed because all that knocking is giving him a headache.<p>

He opens the door, ready to tell whoever's there to go to hell, but he loses his voice.

Quinn's standing there in all her glory. Her hairs curling around her face and her eyes are sparkling and there's a small smile playing at her lips, and good god, he remembers why he loved her so much.

(She's been gone for two years, but she's pulled him straight back in already).


	3. A Phonecall Overheard

**A/N: I'm going to be doing shorter, more frequent updates, instead of forcing myself to keep writing until it's reached what I believe is an acceptable length. This is hopefully to improve the quality of the writing, and also, because shorter chapters are easier for me to write, especially because it keeps switching between Puck and Rachel's POV. **

* * *

><p>He runs because that's what he's best at. He settles Quinn in his bedroom, offers to grab her a drink, and instead of going to the kitchen, he runs out the front door. He has no idea where he's supposed to go; he can't afford to stay in a hotel, and he lives with all of his friends, so there's no couch for him to crash on... the only place he can think of going is to Brittany's.<p>

He sends a text message to his friends, letting them know that Quinn's in the apartment, and that he's going to crash on Brittany's floor for a couple of days.

**Matt [4.30pm] Shit. I didn't think she'd really come back here, not after all she's done. I'll leave work early and see if I can get her to stay in a hotel so you don't have to stay with Britt. **

**Satan [4.35pm] Matt just texted me – he's on his way home now to throw Quinn out on her arse. I'll make sure Britt brings pizza home with her, and if I can, I'll bring round some beer and we'll get drunk and forget about the bitch. **

**Changster [4.42pm] Thanks for the heads up; I'll use the fire escape to get into the apartment... good thing it leads straight to my window!**

**Britt [4.50pm] We're going to be roomies! I'm not back at the room yet but Rach is and she's really nice! I'll let her know that you're coming :)**

By the time he gets Brittany's text, he's already standing outside her dorm room. With no other options, he raises his hand to knock on the door, but it swings open before he can hit his fist against the wood.

A short brunette is standing in the doorway, wearing yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt with the name Hudson on the back. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she has no make-up on but she looks fucking amazing.

"Hey, I'm..." he tries to introduce himself, putting all his charms into his words, but she interrupts him.

"You're the douche from the bar, otherwise known as Brittany's friend who will be staying with us for a couple of days for reasons yet to be divulged"

"Wait... douche from the bar?" he asks, his eyebrows furrowing as he tries to understand her words.

"I saw you at the bar the other night. You were more than a little drunk and you acted like a total jerk. Normally, I'd hold it against you because first impressions last for a long time, but clearly, you are under emotional duress and cannot be held responsible for your actions", she rambles, her hands pulling nervously at her sweater.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he questions, more concerned with watching her lips than actually listening to what she has to say.

"Forget it. I'm Rachel", she says softly as she extends her hand, "please come in"

He follows her back into the room, his eyes glued to her backside, until he sees the photograph on Brittany's bedside cabinet. There's six people standing close together, all in various positions, but all clearly happy, and his heart starts to hurt. There's Santana and Brittany in the middle, arms around each other, pressed as close as possible. Matt's standing next to Santana, and he's looking at her in amazement, while Mike is standing on the other side of Brittany, laughing as his best friend's expression. He's standing next to Mike, smirking at Santana and Brittany, who, if he remembers correctly, were more than a little drunk. There's a stupid look in his eyes (_love, _his brain reminds him), present only because Quinn's pressing her lips to his cheek, whilst whispering in his ear.

Rachel sees where he's looking and looks at him with sympathy. "I take it the blonde is your girlfriend and the two of you are having problems right now?" she asks softly, her voice filled with concern, but his back rises just the same.

"What the hell do you know about relationships?" he hisses. "Are you dating anyone?"

"N-no", she whispers, hesitating over her answer. She doesn't want to be known as the girl with a dead boyfriend, and three dead friends – not here, not now and especially not by him.

"Well, then pull your nose out of my business. It has nothing to do with you", he growls, turning his back on her and collapsing onto the nearest bed, which luckily happened to be Brittany's.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I've set you up a mattress on the floor because I didn't want you to hurt your back, and I've already called for pizza to be delivered – Brittany asked me to order it, and gave me the phone number for your favourite place and your usual order – and the money is on the dresser by the door. It shouldn't be too long. The bathroom is down the hall; it's pretty easy to find, and if you need anything, help yourself. I'm just going to nip out for a little while", she says quickly, her eyes cast down to the floor.

He feels like a huge jerk, but before he has a chance to open his mouth, she's slipped out of the door.

_Fuck. _

* * *

><p>Brittany gets back half an hour later, and her smile widens when she sees him slouched on her bed eating pizza. "You're here! I was really worried about you, and I really wanted to see you, but I couldn't leave the lecture early, and Rachel promised that she'd look after you, and she said she'd order pizza", Brittany rambled as she threw her bag on the floor and flung her jacket onto the bed. "Where is Rach?"<p>

"She left", he mumbled around the piece of pizza he had stuffed in his mouth.

"Where did she go?"

"I don't know Britt! I'm not her bloody mother", he grunts, already defensive, and watches as the blonde's face falls.

"What did you do Puck?"

"Why do you assume I did something? Chick's bat shit, she just left all of a sudden after rambling about pizza and sleeping arrangements and all that crap"

"I'm going to find out what you did eventually Puck. Just don't hurt her... for me. She's really sad Puck, I can see it in her eyes, and I really, really like her. I want her to be happy, and I want her to trust me, and feel comfortable around us. Please don't screw it up for me", Brittany said seriously, resting her hand on his knee and she shifted around on the bed.

"Yeah, whatever Britt. I'm going for a walk. I'll be back in a while" he replied, leaving the blonde looking sadly after him.

* * *

><p>He walked towards the only bar on campus with a reputation for allowing underage students and their friends in without checking ID. He was planning on getting good and drunk before going back to the dorm room and hopefully walking in to find Brittany and Rachel already asleep.<p>

He stopped when he heard a girl crying in an alcove on the side of what looked like the library (Brittany had already sent them pictures of every building in case they'd need them for future reference – something Santana found adorable and he found fucking annoying).

"I hate it here. I don't know what I'm doing. I never wanted to be at NYU; I wanted to be at Julliard. I wanted to be learning how to become the biggest star of our generation. I wanted to get coffee with you without worrying what people thought, and I wanted lazy Sunday's where we didn't have to get out of bed, and I wanted to do those touristy things that people in New York take for granted. I wanted to be young and in love, and happy, but this is all wrong. I'm here alone, and I can't dance, and I can't sleep without your arms around me, and I can't sing because it hurts too much, and I just can't do this. This was supposed to bring us closer together but your face is fading from my mind and that jumper doesn't smell like you anymore and I just can't do this. I want to go back to that night... I want... I want... I want so many things. I want you. You are so far away, and I miss you so much it hurts. I just... I can't do this anymore. Please. Do something. I love you. I can't do this. Just... I can't. I'm not the strong one. _You _are the strong one. You got us through high school – all of us – and now you're gone... all of you are gone... and I'm alone, and I've never been alone before and I can't do this. Just... please. I can't be alone anymore. I love you", she whispered, her voice hysterical as she cried down the phone. "And I know you won't ever get this message but I have to believe that somehow, you know. Because you always knew before, and you have to know now because I can't do this if you don't know. I just can't. I miss you Finn. So, so much. This wasn't supposed to be our life. I had so many plans for us and this wasn't one of them. I know you won't ever check your voicemails but I needed someone to vent too and I needed to hear your voice. I just had to hear your voice one more time"

He walks away before she continues talking. Crying girls have always been his weakness and he's already discovered that this girl pushes all his buttons, and he isn't sure if the combination would have been a good one.

He turns back to the dorm because he's already learned that drinking while he's angry isn't a good idea and right now, he's pissed off. He's been feeling like a jerk all afternoon, but she lied straight to his face. She said that she wasn't in a relationship and acted all innocent and shy and stuff, but she was lying straight to his face.

She's just like Quinn, and he doesn't need another one of those girls in his life.

(Brittany's still awake when he gets back to the room but she knows him well enough to not say anything. He collapses onto his mattress and falls straight to sleep).


	4. An Angry Mistake

**A/N: Just... wow! The amount of reviews and the length/quality of each review blew me away. You guys really motivated me to write quicker, and just today, I've written three chapters. I hope you like this one. **

**Disclaimer - don't own Glee. Never will. **

* * *

><p>She doesn't call his phone often. She's learnt that it hurts her more than it helps, so she only calls when she's had a really, really bad day. Today counts as one of those days.<p>

She's unsure about NYU – the campus is huge, and there are a lot of students milling everywhere, and it feels a little too similar to McKinley High, and a little too different from Julliard. She's unsure about her roommate (Brittany's nice but she's terrified to get close to her because caring for people hurts too much), and Brittany's friends are either unintentionally intimidating or downright horrible.

She feels sick because Brittany's mean friend had lovely arms and she noticed them. She feels guilty because she hasn't told any of the people she's met about Finn or Tina or Kurt or Artie. She feels lonely because none of these people understand her, and she feels horrible because she can't look at Finn's photo without Brittany asking questions and his face is slowly fading from her mind.

And when she denies dating someone, it's just one more thing to add to the list. She shouldn't be ashamed of what happened to her – in fact, it showed her just how much she could survive – but here she is, hiding from what happened to her. She knows it's because she doesn't want to be known as car crash girl, but she has a hard time separating her brain from her heart, which keeps screaming at her for being such a coward.

So she makes the phone call, and then goes back to the dorm room with a fake smile on her face, just in case Brittany is waiting up. She prepares her alibi, running over her story in her head until she's able to deliver it with ease. "I went to the library to study and time just got away from me". It doesn't matter though because Brittany's fast asleep and Puck is sprawled across the mattress snoring.

She climbs into her bed quietly and turns to face the wall, silent tears pouring down her cheeks. Life isn't supposed to be this _hard. _

(Eventually, the sounds of Puck snoring send her to sleep, reminding her of happier times, when Finn's snoring used to be her lullaby).

* * *

><p>Brittany's eyes follow her around, and she's clearly worried but too kind to say anything. She hears several heated conversations between the blonde and Puck, generally when they think she's asleep, but neither of them ever come to an agreement.<p>

"I know you did something Puck. Rach stops talking when you walk into a room and her smile always drops and she's supposed to be my friend but she won't tell me what happened. If you're embarrassed, you don't have to tell me, but please, just fix it", the blonde begs on more than one occasion.

"Look Britt, she'll talk to you if she wants too but you can't force it. And nothing happened between me and Rachel... maybe she's just shy around people", he always grunts back.

"Well, she's fine around Santana and Mike and Matt. It's just you she has a problem with. You forget that I know you just as well as you know yourself and I know when you're lying to me", Brittany retorts, and she can tell, even without looking, that her roommate has her hands on her hips and her face has fallen into the pout she always wears when she's upset.

"Just drop it Brittany!"

The conversation usually ends at that point, and when the silence in the room because too awkward, she generally yawns and wakes up, at which point Brittany will break into a huge smile and Puck will find some excuse to leave.

She wishes that they'd stop talking behind her back and that Brittany would just ask her what's going on so she could lie and tell her that Puck hasn't done anything. She hates that she's putting a strain on their relationship.

* * *

><p>During the second week of Puck's stay (she hasn't heard the full story but she knows that ex-girlfriend issues are keeping him away from the apartment he shares with Santana, Matt and Mike), she finds herself alone with him.<p>

It's a Tuesday morning and Brittany's at her morning lecture. She was supposed to be studying in the library but she decided to stay home and catch up on her reading list. Puck was supposed to be out all morning with Matt, who had taken the morning off work to catch up with his friend.

He slams into the room at about 11am though, his face pinched and angry. She has no idea what happened to his catch-up with Matt, but he's practically radiating anger.

"What happened?" she asks softly, just in case he needs someone to vent too.

"Matt told me that Quinn is refusing to leave the apartment until she sees me. I was hoping that if I laid low for a few weeks, she'd get the hint and go back to her stupid internship, but it looks like she's here for the long haul. Brittany likes having her around – they keep going shopping together or some stupid crap like that – so now Santana and Mike refuse to get rid of her, and Matt's too much of a pussy to go behind Santana's back and throw her out so I'm fucking stuck here unless I talk to her or find another apartment, but I don't have enough cash to do that", he rants as he paces the small dorm room.

"I'm sorry... if you want, I have some money saved up and you can borrow some of that. It was supposed to be savings for emergencies, but I'd be more than happy to lend you some", she offers, her eyes soft. She doesn't mention that the money is what's left over from the compensation she received from the car company, the result of the charges her dad's insisted on pressing.

It was obviously the wrong thing to say because his back stiffens as he turns to face her. The anger is back in full force, and she has to force herself to not flinch. She's never been around someone who had the ability to scare her, but Puck manages that every time she sees him. She can never predict his moods and that terrifies her because she used to be able to read people like an open book.

"I'm not some fucking charity case. Don't you dare feel sorry for me. If anything, I should be feeling sorry for you. I heard you outside the library the other day, crying down the phone to the boyfriend you said you didn't have", he yells, satisfaction spreading across his face when her skin pales. "You have Brittany wrapped around your finger – she thinks your perfect and keeps stressing about you – but I know the truth. You're a liar and you don't have the nerve to admit it. You show everyone this front where you're this naive, small town girl and everyone's falling for it, but I see through it. It's pathetic Rachel".

His chest heaves up and down violently as his finishes his rant, but his satisfaction slowly fades as her face gets redder and redder. It disappears completely when she stands up and stalks towards him.

"I have had about enough of you Puck. I have done nothing but treat you with respect and concern and you've thrown it back in my face. I didn't do anything to piss you off but you decided that night in the bar that you would hate me. I know you're having problems with that Quinn girl so I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Santana and Brittany kept singing your praises and I believed them. They said you were having a tough time of it but that you were a loyal friend who would go to the ends of the earth for people he cared about. So I waited, and ignored your stupid, stinking attitude because they believed in you and I did too but you have gone too fucking far. I wasn't viewing you as a charity case, you asshole. I was emphatic to your struggles which means I understood what you were going through" she screams, her face getting redder and she pokes at his chest.

"Rachel..."

"No, don't Rachel me. I was trying to be kind because I know what it's like to feel like the whole world is against you. I know what it's like to feel like the sun will never appear from behind those clouds. I was worried about you because I know how much life sucks sometimes. And you... you are just a stupid jerk. You think I was crying down the phone to my ex-boyfriend, begging him to take me back? You think I lied about dating something? You think I'm pathetic and manipulative? You have no fucking clue what's happened to me in my life. Did you even listen to what I was saying on the phone? Did you pull your head out of your ass to listen to what I was saying? Did that sound like something I'd say to an ex-boyfriend?"

"I thought..."

"No, you didn't think. Do I look like the type of girl who would call an ex-boyfriend begging him to fix my mess of a life? He's dead, you freaking asshole. I was having a rough time and I called Finn's voicemail so that I could hear his voice one more time. You have no clue just how much of a shitfest my life is"

"What?" he asks, his voice cracking as he takes in what she said.

"Oh, so now you care what happened in my life? You want all the gory details?"

"Rachel, I am so so sorry. I didn't know..."

Her face pales as she realizes what she just admitted. She just told Puck, the guy that hates her for no apparent reason, that Finn died.

"So that's my story. I lost my boyfriend in a car crash the night of our graduation party. You happy now?" she hisses. She refuses to tell him about Tina, Artie and Kurt. He was never supposed to know anything, and she's never going to tell him anymore information.

"Rachel..."

"Just leave Puck", she whispers, all the anger draining from her body.

She watches him close the door behind him and then collapses onto her bed in hysterics.

(He was never supposed to know).


	5. The End of Everything

**A/N: Wow, I'm speechless with the reviews you guys have left me. Thank you so, so much. **

* * *

><p>He doesn't go back to the apartment, but heads to the university library. He feels like a douche, especially when he runs over all the conversations they shared. When he looks back, it's obvious that she was just trying to help him, and meant no harm.<p>

He texts Brittany on the way and asks her what year Rachel graduated and which town she was from.

**Britt [12.05pm] I'm so glad you're making an effort to get to know Rachel better! She graduated the same year as us... I think she said it was from McKinley High, and it was definitely in a town in Ohio. It's named after a bean but I can't remember which one... sorry!**

He rolls his eyes at the text but sends her a thank you message anyway. After a quick Google search, he discovers that McKinley High is located in _Lima, _Ohio.

He scrolls through their website and finds a contact address for the school receptionist. He sends her an e-mail, hoping that she'll be able to help him.

_I don't know if you'll be able to help me with this, or if you know someone that can help me, but I'm friends with Rachel Berry. She graduated from McKinley High a few years ago and she's just started NYU. She's roommates with one of my best friends, and she told me today about her boyfriend. I was wondering if you had access to any articles about the accident or police reports. She's been really upset about it recently, and I want to know as much as possible so that she won't have to tell me all the details. I'd hate for her to relive it. _

He hits send and then logs off of his e-mail program. With a sigh, he realizes that he'll be sleeping in the apartment again tonight and won't be able to avoid Quinn.

* * *

><p>He gets home before anyone else. Quinn's sitting on the couch eating a bacon sandwich; her eyes alight as she watches some stupid soap opera on TV. When she hears the door open, she turns her head and drops her sandwich when she sees him.<p>

"Puck", she says softly, turning off the TV and placing her plate on the coffee table. "You're really here"

"Yeah, well... I had no choice tonight", he says stiffly, his eyes looking anywhere but at her. "Let's just get this over with Quinn. Why are you back?"

"I told you on the phone... I miss you guys. I miss Matt and the way he could always make me feel better; I miss Mike and the way his dancing made the world a little brighter; I miss Santana and her sick sense of humour and I miss Brittany and her view of the world. I miss you most of all. I miss the way you held me, and the way you smell, and the way your jackets used to drown me but made me feel so safe", she said softly, her eyes sparkling sadly. She looks beautiful but he doesn't recognise her.

"What's the real reason Quinn? You've been gone for years... I find it hard to believe that you only miss us now"

"My internship got cancelled. I have nowhere else to go and it made me realize just how much you meant to me", she explained, her eyes trained on his.

He takes the opportunity to look at her properly. He sees the beautiful girl that he used to love with all his heart but he doesn't feel that spark in his chest that only she could ignite. Her eyes are too green and her hair is too blonde and her skin is too pale. She's too tall, and her nose is too perfectly proportioned. She's just told him that she misses him but all he can see is Rachel, with her finger outstretched and poking him in the chest, and her angry words flying through his head, and he's never felt so disappointed with himself.

"Look Quinn, I appreciate that you're being honest with me. It's the first time in a long time when you've actually looked me in the eyes and told me the truth, so I'm going to give you the same. Everything you did to me hurt. It hurt that you cheated on me, and it hurt that you lied about it, and it hurt that you gave the baby away when I wanted nothing more than to be her father. For a long time, all I could feel was pain. I never hated you though because I still loved you way too much"

"I'm really sorry Puck. You have no idea how sorry. But you still love me... we can fix this. We can be Puck and Quinn again", she whispered, taking a step closer to him.

"I'm not finished", he cut her off, taking a step away from her. "I still loved you way too much until a few weeks ago, when you called me drunk, saying that you were coming home. That day, I let down Brittany when she wanted me the most, and I made all my friends angry because I'd missed something important. I'd missed the celebration Santana had thrown for Brittany because I was drunk, and when I did arrive, I pissed off everyone and was an asshole to Brittany's roommate, someone I've never even met before. And I kept being a douche to Brittany's roommate, and I was aggressive towards Brittany and I'm fairly sure Santana wants to cut off my junk..."

"What are you getting at here?" Quinn asks her voice venomous and her eyes hard.

"Tonight I snapped at Brittany's roommate and I found out some stuff that I hadn't known and I realized how much of a jerk I was being. I stopped loving you tonight, because I realized that even hearing that you were around makes me into a bad person. Even being in the same city as you transforms me into a person I don't like"

"You're in love with Brittany's roommate, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not. Before tonight, I didn't even like her. She's just served as the wake-up call that I really, really needed. I would have given you everything Quinn, but you threw that away, and I'm glad. I'm a better person without you"

She flushes like she's just been slapped and he remembers the way he used to think her blush was the most beautiful colour in the world. Of course he was lying to her, at least a little. He knows now that she brings out the worst in him, but he can't just switch off his feelings for her.

"I see", she says softly, her mask firmly in place. He has no idea what she's feeling right now, which shows just how far apart they've grown – she used to be an open book to him. "I'm sorry for camping out in your apartment for the last couple of weeks and forcing you to stay in Brittany's dorm room. I'm not leaving New York, and I won't be out of your life forever, because I do want to repair my friendships with everyone, but I'll try and stay out of your way. I'll just grab my stuff and then I'll go. My parents kept my room intact so I'll go and stay there. Please thank everyone for being so welcoming to me".

He sits on the couch and listens to her in his bedroom, packing up all her stuff. He tries to ignore the sound of her tears because this is what's best for both of them. This is what they both need – a fresh start away from each other.

(His heart still aches when she walks out that door for the last time).

* * *

><p>He asks Santana to collect his stuff from the dorm room, not wanting to risk running into Rachel. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to see him ever again. Hell, he wouldn't blame her if she stabbed him while he was sleeping.<p>

Santana grabs his clothes because she never misses a chance to see Brittany but he can tell she's pissed as soon as she walks in the door. Her eyes are fiery and she looks like she's about to take a swing at him, and he's right. She throws his bags on the floor and launches her body at him, and although she's light as a feather, it freaking hurts.

She manages to knee him in the groin and scratch his face before Matt arrives home from work and quickly pulls her away.

"What the fuck Satan?" his wheezes from his hunched up position on the floor, in an attempt to protect the family jewels.

"You made Brittany cry", she shrieks, as she tries to pull away from her boyfriend.

"So you attack me?"

She doesn't reply, choosing to fly out of Matt's arms and land a swift kick, this time getting him in the stomach. She pulls her leg back again, until Matt softly tells her to stop. Matt and Brittany are the only ones that have ever been able to pull Santana out of a rage.

"Santana, what has he done that's so awful? He's made Brittany cry plenty of times before but you've never flown off the handle like this before", Matt asks, his face painted with concern.

"I have no idea what he's done. Britt's hysterical, and I couldn't make her stop crying", she whispers, her eyes filling with tears. Over the years, they've all noticed that Brittany and Santana pride themselves on helping each other through the worst of times, so it must be killing Santana to not be able to help. "She's going crazy worrying about Rachel. She got home from her lecture and there was a note on the door saying that she'd had an argument with you and that she wouldn't be coming home for a while"

"That's it?" he asks from his spot on the floor.

"You have no clue how scared Brittany is. She's grown attached to Rachel and you know how she is when she cares about someone".

Everyone's silent for a while, remembering the time when Santana ran away for a week in high school after an epic argument with her family, and just how crazy Brittany became.

"She's furious with you Puck, so you better not show your face around there. And until you've fixed this mess with Rachel, and made Britt feel better, you aren't welcome in this apartment", she hisses.

"You can't do that San, he lives here", Matt reminds his girlfriend but quickly shuts up when she glares at him. "I'll help him pack his bags", he says quietly. "Sorry Puck", he whispers as he makes his way into the bedroom.

* * *

><p>He goes to a cheap motel halfway between the university and the apartment. He can <em>just<em> afford a room for a week, mainly because he hasn't paid the rent in a while, but he'll have to pick up extra shifts to be able to afford any longer.

No one calls him, and he doesn't dare to call anyone. He knows that Santana was just doing what was right for her best friend and he can't resent her for that. Sure, he's upset because Santana's supposed to be his friend, but he understands. He and Santana are practically the same person and if he were in her shoes, he would have had to do something drastic too. Everyone knows that Brittany is the most important person to Santana, and if anyone messes with that, they get hurt. He was stupid enough to mess with that and now he's suffering the consequences.

He checks his e-mails every day, just waiting for the receptionist to get back in contact with him. On the third day, he opens his hotmail account to see a new message from McKinley High.

_Sorry about the delay in the reply. I am indeed able to help you on your quest for information. I remember Rachel Berry well, and I'm sorry to hear that she's still struggling. I've been searching our school files for anything that we can disclose to you, and I've enclosed as much as possible. I also searched the newspaper archives for all references of Rachel Berry, and I managed to include a copy of the police report. Please take caution whilst reading the police report. I read it myself, and the level of detail included is horrifying. _

_Good luck to you. I hope you can help Rachel recover. She was an unforgettable girl and I hope you will help her find happiness again. _

He looks at the next e-mail in his inbox. It's an empty message from the receptionist but when he looks closer, he sees that it includes multiple attachments. _Twenty four attachments._


	6. Forbidden Research

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews. Just a couple of things I want to address - a few people were happy that Quinn is finally gone. She and Puck are over, but that isn't the last time she'll be in the story. She really wants to repair her friendships with Brittany, Santana, Mike and Matt, so she'll be around. I also had a couple of people asking where Rachel went... you'll find out in the next chapter. **

**To HannahRose00 - I'm a hardcore Brittana shipper too! The request for this story didn't include a Brittana romantic pairing, but I couldn't write a story without a heap of Brittana stuff in there anyway!**

**To Bonesluver - yes, I did watch the Born This Way episode! I'm still torn over what I thought of it though. I liked that Rachel finally confronted her insecurities; liked that Kurt has returned; liked the Santana and Brittana moments; loved the shirts... I'm just a little unsure over what I thought about Quinn's backstory... **

**Anyways, here's chapter 6. **

* * *

><p>The attachments are all clearly labelled and he starts at the beginning, choosing to save the police report for last. Some are from the local newspaper, others from the school newsletter and some are from a blog written by a guy called Jacob Ben Israel but all of them feature Rachel in some way.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Gay couple uses surrogate mother to give them a child (Ohio Daily, written by Jackson Smith)<strong>

_Hiram Berry and long-time partner Benjamin Berry have entered into a beneficial agreement with an old friend. Turned down by several adoption agencies due to their sexual orientation, Hiram and Benjamin Berry have decided to enlist a surrogate mother to help them. _

_Offering their long-time friend a financial agreement if she becomes a surrogate mother for them, the Berry family are participating in something that is unheard of in Lima, Ohio. _

"_We love each other. It's as simple as that. We've taken marriage vows and sworn to love each other for the rest of our lives. We want to raise a family together and if this is the only way we can do it, then so be it", Hiram Berry tells us exclusively. _

* * *

><p><strong>Six year old the star in local dance recital (Lima Insider, written by Sally Williams)<strong>

_Rachel Berry, daughter of Hiram and Benjamin Berry, has become the star in the latest dance recital. Although only six years old, Rachel outshined everyone else in the recital, her movements precise, well-practiced and overflowing with emotion. _

_Although Rachel is only young, she's taking four different dance classes, and accepted the applause from the audience as though it was her right. _

_Her teacher considers her a natural who makes the routines seem as easy as breathing, and told us to keep our eyes on Rachel because she would go far. _

* * *

><p><strong>Rachel Berry wins local talent contest (Lima Insider, written by Lucas Smith)<strong>

_The talent contest attracted people of all ages, with the whole town coming to show their support. The talents were varied, with over twelve different talents showcased, including comedy routines, mimes, dancing exhibits and singing displays. _

_Although the competition was tough, the judges said they found it easy to place first place. Twenty year old Luke Smith won third place with his hilarious comedy routine, with Jasmine Stimson taking in second place with her graceful dance routine, but it was young Rachel Berry who took out first place. _

_Singing one of her own compositions that she and her music teacher wrote together, she reduced numerous members of the audience to tears and she sung her heart out. It was the combination of heart-felt words, a beautiful voice and a miraculous talent at the talent that won the audiences heart and the first place ribbon. _

* * *

><p><strong>Annie production a roaring success (Lima Insider, written by Sally Williams)<strong>

_The primary school production of Annie has become a major hit, with family and friends buying tickets to see the show a second time because it took their breath away. Many were expecting an average performance, with forgotten lines, missed cues and singing that hurt their ears, but they were wrong. _

_Annie, played by Rachel Berry, erased all those worries. Featuring temporarily dyed hair, she sung her heart out and led the cast through the scenes with a smile on her face. Her performance was flawless and hid the other mistakes in the show, including the other children who forgot their lines and the lyrics to the song. _

_The drama teacher presented her with a bouquet of flowers on the final night, thanking her for all of her help, because as it turns out, Rachel didn't just steal the show, she helped create it. She helped with all the sets, the musical composition and spent hours learning how to operate the sound and lighting machinery so she could see what would be most effective in which scene. _

_One thing is for sure – this production won't be forgotten quickly. _

* * *

><p><strong>Talent scout gives local girl free dance lessons at popular studio (Lima Insider, written by Lucas Smith)<strong>

_A talent scout from a popular inner-city studio has been blown away by the talent showcased at the latest dance recital, and ended up offering two students a free scholarship to his studio. _

_Rachel Berry and Jasmine Stimson were both offered scholarships to the studio for the year, after their contemporary routine impressed the scout. _

_Both girls have been dancing at the local studio for years, with Rachel being the star of many recitals, and Jasmine placing second place at the talent quest with her ballet routine. _

_We wish both girls luck at their new studio. _

* * *

><p><strong>Young girl wins lead role in theatre production (Lima Insider, written by Jesse Jackson)<strong>

_An inner-city production of Romeo and Juliet has shined a light on Lima, with local star Rachel Berry being cast in the role of Juliet._

_The theatre group has received rave reviews for their last three productions, and it seems like their newest endeavour will be a success. _

_Local newspaper critics have already sat in on several rehearsals and all of them agree that Rachel Berry is the breakout star. The play has only been in rehearsal for three weeks but they already say that Rachel has completely embraced her role. _

* * *

><p><strong>Glee club under new leadership (an extract from GOLD STAR, by Jacob Ben Israel)<strong>

_McKinley High's music department has been revitalised, with Spanish teacher William Schuster taking over the Glee club. _

_While initially an important part of the extracurricular calendar, Glee club has been losing popularity when the leadership changed rapidly. It seems that it has found a new face, with William Schuster investing his time and money into the club in the hopes that it will regain the popularity it had during his time at McKinley. _

_Christened New Directions, the club already boasts an impressive range of students, including a handful of new members that seem intent on raising the standard of the club. Quarterback Finn Hudson and local theatre and dance star Rachel Berry have been announced co-captains of the club, with Kurt Hummel, Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams rounding out the new additions to the club. _

_With the new voices, Finn Hudson's social standing and Rachel Berry's dedication, it looks like a change has entered McKinley. _

* * *

><p><strong>New Directions heading for success (McKinley Newsletter)<strong>

_McKinley was recently blown away by New Directions invitational concert in the school auditorium. Tickets sold quickly, with rival schools, friends, students and family all buying tickets to the show. The auditorium hasn't been this packed since the last mandatory assembly. _

_The lights dimmed and the audience fell silent until two spotlights rose at the back of the auditorium. Co-captains Rachel Berry and quarterback Finn Hudson entered from the back, as the rest of the club stood on the stage and sung back-up. _

_A rousing version of Don't Stop Believing (with lead vocals from Rachel Berry, Finn Hudson and Artie Abrams) was followed by Tina Cohen-Chang singing Tonight. The final performance was Defying Gravity; a duet performed by Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel, which received a standing ovation. _

_The night was a huge success and it looks like New Directions is indeed heading in a new direction – success._

* * *

><p><strong>Glee club takes Sectionals by storm (extract from GOLD STAR by Jacob Ben Israel)<strong>

_In their first major competition, New Directions has stood up to fierce competition and refused to back down until they were given what they believed they deserved – the first place position. _

_It's been a tough journey for New Directions. After starring in a mattress commercial and receiving mattresses as a payment, they were deemed unfit to participate in the competition, as they had participated in paid advertising, which is seen as an unfair advantage. _

_Director William Schuster took the rap for the club, taking the blame for using the mattresses and rendering himself unable to attend the competition. The drama wasn't over yet though. _

_Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson had gone public with their relationship earlier in the week, even though they have been dating since they were declared co-captains. The football team disagreed with the relationship, believing that Finn Hudson was reducing the popularity of the team with his blatant disregard for the social structure at McKinley. _

_Spiralling out of control after his dismissal from the football team, it looked like Finn Hudson wasn't going to show up at the competition, but that wasn't the worst of it. The clubs set list had been stolen by the competing teams, meaning that they had to devise a new set list merely an hour before the competition. _

_With the late arrival of Finn Hudson (bearing a song he wanted them to sing), their luck changed. They took to the stage and sung their hearts out, only stopping when they won. _

* * *

><p><strong>Loss at Regionals sends New Direction's popularity downhill (extract from GOLD STAR by Jacob Ben Israel)<strong>

_It seemed like New Directions were a shoo in at Regionals. Principal Figgins had promised them funding for a second year if they secured a place at the competition, and the club was more determined than ever to win. _

_They held fundraisers to buy fabrics, which Kurt Hummel turned into show-stopping outfits, and even managed to raise enough money to hire a handicapped bus for team member Artie Abrams. _

_Audience members watched in awe as the club sung, but it just wasn't enough to compete with long-time winners Vocal Adrenaline, who 'wiped the stage' with New Directions. _

_The shock of the night was when the Vocal Adrenaline coach turned out to be female lead Rachel Berry's surrogate mother, causing heartbreak for the young star when she found out that her mother didn't want to pursue a relationship, instead deciding to adopt a child in New York, the city she has decided to move back to. _

_It seems like New Directions may be finished forever, and I for one, am more than willing to comfort Rachel Berry in her time of desperation. _

* * *

><p><strong>Surprising win at Sectionals (McKinley Newsletter)<strong>

_Granted another year due to Rachel Berry's petition, New Directions has been training harder than ever. This time, their sights are set on Nationals, meaning they have to win Sectionals, and then Regionals to be granted the opportunity of travelling to New York. _

_The club has elected Rachel Berry as their captain and chief choreographer, Kurt Hummel as their costume designer and co-choreographer and Artie Abrams as their treasurer. Previous co-captain Finn Hudson has stepped down in order to concentrate on his studies. _

_Working harder than ever, New Directions was more confident than ever to take to the stage at Sectionals, and their dedication paid off. _

_Winning first place, and the chance to compete at Regionals, New Directions seems back on the road to success. _

* * *

><p><strong>New Directions win Regionals (McKinley Newsletter)<strong>

_In a win no one thought possible, New Directions have secured a place in the national show choir competition, taking place in New York City later this year. _

_With a solid set list, and killer dance moves that put the other choirs to shame, New Directions clearly beat Oral Intensity and the Dalton Academy Warblers, who had been the firm favourites at the competition. _

_With a sweet duet from Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams, and a daring choice of a duet between new step-brothers Kurt Hummel and Finn Hudson, the show was completed with a heart-stopping solo by Rachel Berry. Her rendition of Don't Rain on my Parade brought tears to the eyes of the judges, and when we caught up with Rachel after the performance, she said she was glad she decided not to use the song in their first sectionals competition. _

_McKinley wishes them the best of luck with the lead-up to Nationals, and of course, the competition itself. _

* * *

><p><strong>The long road to Nationals has begun (McKinley Newsletter)<strong>

_They may have only just won Regionals but New Directions has already started their preparation for Nationals._

_The competition will be fierce, with New Directions preparing to face unknown choirs as well as Vocal Adrenaline, the show choir that defeated them at their first Regionals competition._

_Captain Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel have already started creating their set-list, and investing their small budget into fabrics to create "dazzling costumes". _

"_The budget is small but Artie has managed to create an inspiring program for us to stick to and we are confident that we will be able to take Nationals by storm", says Captain Rachel Berry. "After all, none of the other teams have such a wide range of vocals and such an overwhelming display of talents. No other teams have Finn's encouraging smile, or Kurt's magical fashion intuition, or Artie's keen sense for numbers, or Tina's gift for spotting bargains". _

_It seems like New Directions won't rest until they've conquered New York. _

* * *

><p><strong>McKinley fundraises to send the Glee club to New York (Lima Insider, (extract from GOLD STAR by Jacob Ben Israel)<strong>

_William McKinley High School is buzzing with music as their resident Glee club holds a fundraising concert so that they can afford plane tickets to New York City. _

_The beautiful captain Rachel Berry has credited the idea to her best friend Tina Cohen-Chang and Tina's boyfriend Artie, two of the unsung heroes in the club. _

_Family members have already bought their tickets, as well as various members of the school community – mainly the band geeks and members of the other "loser" groups. _

_The concert programs are yet to be released, but rumour has it, the "Gleeks" aren't going to stop there. They'll be holding a car wash, as well as a bake sale, in the hopes of sending all twelve of their members, plus two chaperones, to New York. _

_This super fan is looking forward to seeing how Rachel Berry will blow us away this time. _

* * *

><p><strong>Leads Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson take Nationals by storm (McKinley Newsletter)<strong>

_In a shocking twist no one saw coming, not even the club itself, New Directions has claimed first place at their first Nationals competition, leaving firm favourites Vocal Adrenaline in the dust. _

_For a while, it seemed unlikely that New Directions would even be able to get to the competition, with their fundraising efforts almost failing before they had even taken off the ground, but it seems like perseverance really is key as the club managed to afford flights and accommodation for fourteen people without breaking a sweat. _

_And their luck didn't stop there, with three stellar song choices, performed to rousing applause. First off was a ballad performed by Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson, followed by a strong group performance, and rounded off with "My Heart Will Go On" by Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel, in yet another strong duet from the pair. _

_The audience fell silent when the national director of the show choir institution took to the stage with a pristine white envelope that had the power to make and break each show choir. _

_And when New Directions were announced as the winners, the applause was deafening, especially when Captain Rachel Berry took to the stage with tears in her eyes to collect the first place trophy. _

_New Directions have officially made it. _

* * *

><p><strong>Local star Rachel Berry wins a scholarship to Julliard (Lima Insider, written by Lucas Smith)<strong>

_Local star Rachel Berry, captain of her high school's Glee club and resident triple threat, has just received a scholarship to the famous New York art school Julliard. _

_It's the first time in over thirty years that a student has been accepted into Julliard on a full scholarship, and Principal Figgins is using that to his advantage, citing Rachel as a reason to invest more in the arts department so more people can receive enriching opportunities. _

_It is believed that Rachel will be accepting the scholarship and moving to the city after graduation, along with her long-time boyfriend Finn Hudson, former quarterback at McKinley High. _

_There's no word on what the other members of the Glee club will be doing, but according to Jacob Ben Israel, inside source, there will be no separating this firm group of friends. _

_We at Lima Insider which Rachel the best of luck with all future endeavours. _

* * *

><p><strong>New Directions perform at graduation (McKinley Newsletter)<strong>

_In a perfect send-off, New Directions have performed at the graduation ceremony, bringing a tear to a number of eyes, both students and teachers alike. _

_It seems only fitting that New Directions performed the send-off song, with eight of their twelve members graduating this year. _

_Captain of New Directions, Rachel Berry, also took to the stage to give her valedictorian speech, finishing to a thunderous applause. While the tensions between the athletic students and the artistic students have always ran high, it seems that they put aside their differences tonight. _

_The graduating class took to the stage one last time, clasping hands and smiling out at the audience before tossing their caps high into the air. _

_McKinley High wishes the graduating class all the luck in the world for their future endeavours. _

* * *

><p><strong>Tragic accident kills teens (Lima Insider, written by Sally Williams)<strong>

_Graduation celebrations have turned deadly for a group of teenagers travelling the familiar roads of Lima on the way to their graduation party. _

_Losing control on a wet piece of road, their car careened out of control, before smashing headfirst into a tree and tearing straight down the middle. _

_The police have already ruled alcohol and speed out of the investigation, releasing a statement absolving driver Finn Hudson from any blame. "This could have happened to anyone. The accident was not caused by drink driving or unruly speed, merely bad weather and a car with inadequate safety precautions". _

_Local high school teacher William Schuster was first on the scene, after seeing an explosion from his kitchen window. Although he was at the scene within five minutes, it was too late for most of the teens. Driver Finn Hudson and the three backseat passengers Kurt Hummel, Artie Abrams and Tina Cohen-Chang died instantly. _

_William Schuster managed to help pull the sole survivor away from the burning wreck of a car, but Rachel Berry's condition is critical. _

* * *

><p><strong>Horrifying end to graduation celebrations (McKinley Newsletter)<strong>

_In a shocking end to what was otherwise a happy occasion, four teens have been announced dead at the scene of a horrifying car crash. _

_Teens Finn Hudson, Kurt Hummel, Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams died instantly, after their car (driven by Finn Hudson) spun out of control and tore in half after hitting a tree, all on the way to their graduating party. _

_Tributes to the teens have already been set up at the sight of the crash, and the community is in mourning. All four teens had bright futures ahead of them, and it's clear that everyone in Lima will miss them immensely. _

_Finn Hudson was planning on moving to New York with his long-time girlfriend, and had received an apprenticeship in a major mechanics office. Kurt Hummel was moving to Los Angeles to do a fashion internship in a major magazine, whereas the recently engaged Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams were planning on staying in Lima due to Artie's disability. _

_The sole survivor of the accident – Rachel Berry, class valedictorian – has been rushed to the hospital and is reportedly in the intensive care unit. The full extent of her injuries are not yet known. _

* * *

><p><strong>Graduation celebrations turn deadly (Ohio Daily, written by Jackson Smith)<strong>

_It should have been the happiest day of their lives for the five recently graduated teens but it seems like fate has a different opinion. _

_The five teenagers, members of William McKinley High School's show choir, were driving the familiar ten minute route to their director William Schuster's house for their graduation party when tragedy struck. _

_Recent bad weather caused the car driven by Finn Hudson to spin out of control, crash into a tree and tear straight down the middle, before exploding. _

_The paramedic team arrived within minutes of the accident due to William Schuster's tip-off after he saw the explosion from his kitchen window, but it was too late. The car had already exploded, rendering it impossible to pull Finn Hudson and three of his passengers out of the car. It is believed that Finn and his passengers, Kurt Hummel, Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams died on impact. _

_The sole survivor, Rachel Berry, managed to move away from the car just in time, and the paramedics rushed her straight to hospital, where she is currently in the intensive care unit in a critical condition. No more details are available at the moment. _

* * *

><p><strong>Horror crash destroys lives (Local News Transcript)<strong>

_And welcome to Channel Seven news. Our main story tonight is breaking news from the scene of a devastating car accident. _

_Earlier this evening, a seemingly harmless drive to their graduation party turned deadly for a group of teenagers. Losing control of their car on a slick piece of road, their car spun out of control, hitting a tree and ripping straight down the middle. _

_Four of the five teenagers travelling in the car died instantly. Finn Hudson, driver of the car, his step-brother, Kurt Hummel, close friends Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams, a recently engaged couple, all lost their lives tonight. _

_The fifth teenager, front seat passenger Rachel Berry, apparently managed to pull herself out of the wreckage shortly before the car exploded. She was immediately rushed to hospital and her family now awaits further details. _

_Rachel, class valedictorian of William McKinley High School's graduating class, lost boyfriend Finn Hudson, best friend Tina Cohen-Chang, and close personal friends Kurt Hummel and Artie Abrams in the accident. _

_The team at Channel Seven news sends their hopes and prayers to the families in their time of need. _

* * *

><p><strong>Town in mourning over lost teens (Lima Insider, written by Sally Williams)<strong>

_The horrific accident that claimed four lives just last week has not yet sunk in. Finn Hudson, Kurt Hummel, Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams will be sorely missed if the last week is any indication. _

_Classmates and family members alike have been flocking to the scene of the accident and have taken it upon themselves to build tributes to the four recently departed teens. _

_The last week has been an intense time for the friends and family of the deceased, with all four of the funerals taking place over the last few days. Engaged couple Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams had a joint funeral, Kurt Hummel had a loving memorial service and his step-brother Finn Hudson also had a funeral, all within the last few days. _

_All four funerals were overflowing with well wishers, although one guest was missing from each funeral. Fellow passenger and sole survivor Rachel Berry was not in attendance at any of the funerals, due to being placed in a medically induced coma due to the severity of her injuries. _

_The exact extent of her injuries are not fully known, but she's scheduled to be woken up from the coma within the next two days. Carole Hummel, mother to Finn Hudson and step-mother to Kurt Hummel, has released a small bit of information at Finn's funeral stating that "we don't know if Rachel is going to make it. She has mild burns over a lot of her body and the doctors say that there is a possibility she won't walk again, but right now, she hasn't woken up yet so we don't know what's happening. Rachel is like a daughter to me and our prayers are with her and her family in this difficult time". _

* * *

><p><strong>Berry vs. Toyota – Berry's win compensation (Lima Insider, written by Jesse Jackson)<strong>

_It's been a year since the horrifying accident that claimed the lives of four local teenagers, and spared the life of girlfriend and close friend Rachel Berry. _

_The accident may have claimed four lives, but it left Rachel Berry with more scars than she knew was possible. Speaking out for the first time since the accident, although refusing to go into detail about the accident, Rachel is still clearly distraught about the death of her friends. _

"_It's still hard to believe that they're gone. I mean, they were such a huge part of my life for such a long time, and it's just so hard to believe that I'm not going to wake up with Finn's arms around me, or go shopping with Kurt, or talk about boys with Tina, or watch Artie play video games. They defined me for such a long time, and it just seems impossible that they are really gone". _

_The Berry family took out a lawsuit against Toyota, the company that produced the car Finn Hudson was driving that night, asking the company to pay for all of Rachel's medical bills, including the physiotherapist and the therapist that the young girl is seeing._

_It was believed that the case would take years to be settled, but the multi-million dollar car company was more than happy to settle out of court. A spokesperson for the company said that "after seeing the emotional and physical scars Rachel has, we have decided that it is best for everyone involved to settle this matter and help start the family on the road to recovery". _

_A small payout has also been given to each of the families for the loss of their families, and Toyota's CEO says that they will look into the issue of safety in their vehicles. _

_Rachel Berry is currently undergoing intensive physiotherapy in an attempt to relearn how to walk after the crash rid her of the ability. She is also in and out of hospital for burn treatments, but is expected to make a full recovery, making her a medical miracle. _

* * *

><p>Puck sighs as he finishes the last article, his eyes red and itchy from the tears that have been prickling at his eyes for the last hour.<p>

It just can't be possible for one person to survive this much... for one person to survive this much, then move away, and refuse to let people to see her for what she is... an incredibly strong _survivor. _If it was him, he would have just curled up in a ball and slept the rest of his life away. He would have been a victim, not a survivor, and he just can't comprehend how Rachel can wake up every morning and plaster a smile on her face.

His head pounds as he moves his mouse over to the last attachment. He knows enough already. He knows that she didn't just lose a boyfriend, but her best friend and her two other friends. He knows that she lost her entire family that night. He knows that her surviving was a miracle; knows that she broke bones and received burns; knows that she had to relearn how to walk; knows that she underwent therapy and physiotherapy and god knows what else.

He knows enough, but he can't stop himself from clicking on the last attachment. He's come this far... he can't stop searching now. He _needs _to know.

His eyes scan down the page, certain words and phrases jumping out at him. He doesn't read it all – his eyes are too filled with tears for that to even be possible – but he sees enough.

_Finn Hudson _

**Driver. Instantaneous death on impact. Major internal damage. Minor lacerations. Severe burns over 70% of body. Identified by dental records – unrecognisable. **

_Tina Cohen-Chang_

**Passenger in middle of the back-seat. Killed on impact of tree on car – tree caused internal bleeding. Severe burns over 60% of body. Identified by dental records – unrecognisable. **

_Kurt Hummel _

**Passenger in back-seat. Burns over 90% of body. Died in explosion – smoke inhalation shows that he was still alive when the first flames engulfed the car. Identified by dental records – unrecognisable. **

_Artie Abrams_

**Passenger in back-seat. Thrown from the car during the collision with the tree and subsequent tearing. Died shortly after impact. Burns over 25% of the body. Identified by ID bracelet he was wearing. **

_Rachel Berry _

**Front seat passenger. Minor internal bleeding and broken bones from initial crash. Pulled herself from the car. Mild burns over arms and legs. Was climbing back towards the vehicle when it exploded. Shows sign of mental distress?**

With a sigh, he closes down the attachments and shuts off his computer before stumbling back towards his room, and hopefully, a long night of sleep.

He has a long day ahead of him tomorrow – talking to Rachel and apologising to Brittany – and he's going to need as much help as he can get.

* * *

><p>For the first time in years, he has terrible nightmares, of a girl screaming, and flames licking at flesh, and a bloody Rachel crawling out of a smashed up car.<p>

(He has no idea how he's ever going to make it up to her).


	7. Never Look Back

**A/N: Sorry about the delay in updating. Life has been freakishly hectic for me at the moment. Thank you all for the reviews though! They always make my day!**

* * *

><p>"Just leave Puck", she whispers, all the anger draining from her body. She watches him close the door behind him and then collapses onto her bed in hysterics.<p>

He was never supposed to know.

* * *

><p>She doesn't know how long he'll be gone for. After all, he can't go back to his own apartment, and she has no idea how long he'll respect her wishes and stay away.<p>

What's worse is that she can't stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks and Brittany will be home within half an hour. If Brittany sees her crying, she'll ask what's wrong, and she just can't tell someone else, not even part of the story. It takes too much out of her.

So she runs.

(She scrawls a note for Brittany and attaches it to the door because she owes it to the blonde).

* * *

><p>She doesn't know many places in New York, only what she learnt from the guide books she studied with Finn all that time ago. She doesn't know where the hotels and motels are (doesn't have enough money to afford one); doesn't know anyone who lives in the city.<p>

She can't go to Santana's apartment just in case he decides to show up there, and she has nowhere else to go. She didn't realize this year would be so hard... she thought she was finally owed a little bit of happiness.

She walks aimlessly around the university, sticking to the shadows on the side of the footpath and ducking into buildings every time she sees someone that looks even remotely like Puck.

This year was supposed to be easy. None of them were supposed to know; none of them were ever supposed to look at her with pity in her eyes; none of them were ever supposed to know her as more than Rachel, the girl from Ohio.

(She should have known that he would be the one to ruin it).

* * *

><p>S<p>

he calls a taxi after she's been walking for over an hour. She gives the driver the first address she can think of, and sinks back into her seat, pulling her mobile out of her pocket.

**Brittany [2.30pm**] Rach, where are you? I got the note on the door but you didn't say where you were going, or when you were coming back.

**Brittany [2.40pm]** I know you haven't gone back to Ohio cos all of your stuff is still here... that must mean you'll be coming home soon, but can you just text me back? I'm worried about you Rach.

**Brittany [2.45pm]** Rachel, call me now!

**Brittany [2.47pm]** This isn't funny Rachel. Call me.

She sends her a quick message back (_I'm just going for a drive Britt; I'll be home as soon as I can), _and then switches off her phone. She doesn't want to hear from anyone tonight, especially not Puck.

* * *

><p>She hands the cab driver a handful of money, hoping that it's enough because she doesn't have the time or the extra money needed to satisfy an angry cab driver.<p>

Her eyes fill with tears as she sets foot on the footpath, her eyes roaming over the street. There's a kebab store, a small tattoo parlour, a small convenience store, a chemist and a handful of clothing stores, but she's not there for any of them. Her eyes focus on the neon sign; sure that it flashes during the day, but right now, it dully announces the location of a small mechanics shop.

_Finn's mechanic shop._

If she closes her eyes, she can almost imagine Finn wearing overalls covered in oil as he sings along to an old Journey song on the radio. Her heart aches at the thought of the life they could have had… the life they _almost_ had.

She reaches for her neck, and delicately undoes the clasp of the necklace she never takes off. A small silver key cuts into her hand as she runs her thumb over the grooves in the metal. Burt was kind enough to get in contact with his friend and ask for a copy of the key, just in case she ever needed it.

Tonight's the first time she's ever dared to go here, and she knows why. It hurts so much to be around the future that should have been theirs.

This isn't supposed to be her life.

* * *

><p>The door creaks as she opens it, and she remembers all the times Finn almost got caught sneaking down the stairs late at night because he always forgot to miss the bottom stair. She can almost <em>feel <em>him with her tonight, and she's not sure if it's because she's upset or because there's a clearly defined link between him and this place.

She feels blindly for the light switch on the wall, her fingers prickling at the feel of the uneven plastered wall. The light burns her eyes as it casts around the room, but that's not the most surprising thing.

Sound asleep on the small sofa in the corner is Carole Hummel, Finn's mum and Kurt's step-mother.

It doesn't take long for Carole to wake up, her eyes widening at the sudden intrusion of light, and her jaw dropping when she sees whose standing in front of her.

"Rachel…"

"Carole, what are you doing here?" she asks, still surprised that Carole's in New York. She hasn't heard from her second-mother in weeks, and it breaks her heart that she didn't even let her know she was coming to New York.

"I'm just checking in on things", Carole answers, her eyes trained on the calendar on the other side of the wall.

"Checking on what things?"

"You of course. I still pay Finn's phone bill so people can call and leave a message if they're having a really bad day, and sometimes, when _I'm _having a really bad day, I'll check the messages. I heard yours and I knew that I had to come and visit. I didn't tell you because you would have promised you were fine, and got upset if I mentioned coming to check up and you, but I just had to do it Rachel", Carole says softly, her eyes trained on her almost-daughters face.

"I was just having a bad day. I don't need help. I have friends here. They can take care of me"

"Do they know about the accident Rachel? Do they know about Finn, and Kurt, and Tina and Artie? Do they know what happened to you – how much you have had to survive?"

"One of them knows. We got into an argument and I accidently mentioned Finn's name, and know he knows that my boyfriend is dead", she whispers, her voice breaking as tears start to fill her eyes.

Carole doesn't say anything, merely pushing herself off the couch and walking over to Rachel, wrapping her arms around the now sobbing girl. "Rachel… you have to tell at least one of them. What if you get into an accident and one of them needs to give a medical history? What if they find a photo of you and Finn one day and don't understand who he is? You have to let them in Rachel… I know you're scared but you can't keep everyone at bay forever"

Rachel's back stiffens and she pushes herself away from the older woman. "I can't tell them. You don't understand. People look at me with pity in their eyes when they hear my story, and I can't deal with that anymore. I've only just moved away from everyone looking at me like I'm Rachel Berry, girl with the dead friends, and I can't go back to that. The people I know here don't look at me like that – I'm just Rachel, the girl from Ohio"

"Rachel…"

"Carole, I really appreciate everything you've done for me. You're the closest thing to a mother I've ever had, and I've missed you so much since I moved here, but if you don't agree with my decision, I think it's best if you go back home. This is the only way I can cope with what happened and having you here, questioning what I'm doing… I can't deal with it. Please Carole", she begs, her eyes still shiny with the unshed tears.

"I'm leaving in a few days anyway Rachel. I was planning on doing some sightseeing, buying some gifts and coming to visit you, but I understand if you can't deal with that"

"I want to see you – more than anything – but I just can't. When I see you, I see Finn, and it just reminds me of all I've lost, and my heart can't take this anymore. I don't even know how it's still beating because it hurts _all _the time these days, but seeing you… it gets so much worse", the brunette girl sobs, her heart breaking as she explains herself to Carole.

"I understand. If you don't mind, I'll still e-mail and call you from time to time… I don't want to drop out of your life forever", Carole says softly. What's left unsaid is that Rachel is the last link Carole has to her son, and she can't let go of that, at least not permanently.

"Of course. I'd hunt you down if you didn't call from time to time", Rachel replies before stepping back into Carole's open arms, both of them knowing that this will be the last time they'll see each other for a long time.

Neither of them says anything, choosing to just stare at the other, until Carole presses a handful of cash into Rachel's hand. "Take care of yourself Rachel", she says quietly, before walking back to the couch and snuggling back under the thin blankets, squeezing her eyes shut so she doesn't have to see Rachel walk out of the door.

* * *

><p>The taxi journey back to the dorms flies by. She doesn't know why it was so easy to find a taxi and she doesn't know why her driver insists on breaking every single speeding law, but within twenty minutes, she's hesitating outside her dorm room, trying to hear if Puck is still inside.<p>

After listening to complete silence for a few minutes, she realizes that there's no more than one person in the room, if that. The radio and television aren't on; there's no sound of life, and definitely no talking.

She opens the door quietly, gasping a little when she sees Brittany sitting on her bed, legs crossed, with a furious look on her face.

"Where have you been Rachel? I texted you twenty times and called you thirteen times. You can't just run off like that!" the blonde screeches as soon as she realizes that the door is open.

"I left you a note and I told you I was okay Britt"

"Don't Britt me! I waited for hours and hours, and called everyone, but no one had seen or heard from you. I was terrified Rachel... I was about to call the police because I thought someone had hurt you!" she yells, before promptly bursting into tears.

"Britt, I'm sorry", she whispers, walking over to Brittany's crying figure. Brittany didn't reply, choosing to wipe her nose with her sleeve before attempting to straighten up. "Puck and I got into a little argument and I just needed to clear my head. I guess I just lost track of time"

"I was so worried Ray. You have to pinkie promise not to do that again cos your one of my people now and I'd be really upset if I lost you", Brittany explains before sticking out her pinkie finger. Rachel doesn't hesitate before shaking it, her eyes soft at the sight of Brittany so upset over the thought of losing her.

(It reminds her so much of Tina).

* * *

><p>They talk for a while, Brittany skirting around all the questions she wants to ask about just what happened this afternoon.<p>

It's two in the morning before either of them feels even remotely tired and Rachel wordlessly pulls back the covers of the quilt and they both crawl under, sighing at the sudden warmth.

The last thing she hears before she falls asleep is Brittany's soft whisper as she squeezes her hand, and her eyes prickle. The blonde falls asleep instantly and she follows quickly, her nightmares replaced with dreams of her and Brittany, smiling and laughing.

("I thought you weren't going to be back in time for my birthday Rachie")

* * *

><p><strong>AN #2: Yeah, I'm back. In this chapter, there was something important mentioned that will crop up later in the story. If you guess what the thing was correctly in your review, you win a prize... either one question about any of my stories that I'll answer 100% truthfully (unless it ruins the plot of this story, but then you'll get another go) OR a one-shot request of your choice. The winners will be announced when I post chapter 8, and then they can PM me with their question/request!**


	8. Brittany's Birthday

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews, and for all the guesses. Some of you guessed things that **_**will **_**pop up in later chapters, but unfortunately, no one guessed the thing that I was thinking of. However, there will be a guessing game in each chapter, for the same prizes, because I love games. This is mainly a filler chapter, as some major stuff will be happening in the next few chapters and I needed to bridge it (and I couldn't help but write Brittany's birthday and more Brittana friendship!)**

* * *

><p>It's a Saturday morning and she'd be more than happy to spend the day in bed. She doesn't have any classes and its Tina's birthday, which is enough of a reason to sleep through the day.<p>

Brittany has other ideas though.

At 7:10, there's a loud shriek and a flurry of blonde hair and long limbs catapults herself across the room until she comes in contact with the other bed.

"Brittany..."

"Don't use that grumpy tone! It's my birthday today! Santana is gonna be here soon and she's going to take us to the zoo like she always does. Normally she just takes me but she said you could come too so Quinn wants to tag along, so it's gonna be like a party. Mike will pick us up for lunch and Matt and Puck will be there too and it's gonna be a great day!" Britt rambles, her hair tangled and her eyes alight with excitement.

"It sounds great Britt, it really does, but I feel really gross today so I think I'll just stay in bed. I wouldn't want to ruin your day", she lies, hoping her face won't give away the fact that she just doesn't want to go.

"But you have to go! We never invite anyone else and Santana will kill you if you don't go 'cos she doesn't like spending time with Quinn. She's already upset that we have to spend my birthday with Quinn after she deserted us but she can't say anything 'cos I like her. If you don't go Santana will be mad and my birthday will be ruined", Brittany whines, her face falling into a pout.

She knows not to argue with Brittany, especially not after she disappeared last week. She also knows better than to protest because of Puck's attendance at lunch – any mention of the argument between her and Puck makes Brittany cry and she refuses to make Brittany cry on her birthday.

Sighing, she crawls out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom. She's going to the zoo.

* * *

><p>Santana shows up at 7.55am, a huge smile on her face and her arms filled with presents. A beautiful blonde walks in behind her, a hesitant smile on her face and a giant toy duck under her arm.<p>

She immediately knows that this is Quinn and she does her best to smile reassuringly at the blonde but all she gets in return is an evil glare. Her smile falters but she doesn't have a chance to analyse Quinn's actions because of the noises behind her.

Santana's thrown her presents onto the bed and Brittany has quickly sat at the top of the bed, tearing open the wrapping paper. Quinn turns to look at the source of the noise and a melodic giggle tumbles out of her lips. Even her _laugh _is perfect.

She forces a smile onto her face and laughs along with Santana and Quinn as Brittany rips open present after present (including a gift from her she _definitely _didn't buy and a smirk from Santana makes her realize that the Latina was responsible for making sure she wasn't empty handed).

(She has to fight back tears when Brittany opens a photo frame with her and Santana smiling from behind the glass, because it reminds her so much of her best friend and the birthday she _should _be celebrating today).

* * *

><p>They get to the zoo for 9am, Brittany practically skipping the entire way (she chose to walk and Santana was more than happy to oblige her wishes).<p>

Brittany's quick to pull them towards the penguins. She hears Santana warning to Quinn to put a proper smile on her face because the pinched look doesn't suit her and she sees the way Santana's eyes light up every time Brittany laughs.

The fake smile falls off her face when she gets a text message from her dads, wishing her all the best for such a difficult day.

When everyone else walks into the serpent house, she escapes to the bathroom. She's crying before she manages to lock the stall door and she's only alone for a couple of minutes before there's a large bang on the door.

"Occupied..." she calls shakily.

"Open the door Rachel. You and I need to have a little talk" Santana calls back, her voice hard as steel.

She slowly opens the door and Santana storms in, furiously slamming and locking the door behind her. "Now listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once. Brittany is my best friend. That means that I have her back and she has mine. We protect each other and right now, I'm protecting her from you spoiling her birthday. It's our tradition to go to the zoo on her birthday... we've been doing it since we were seven years old. It's always been just Britt and me but this year, she wanted you and Quinn here too and I couldn't say no. I should have though because you and Quinn are fucking ruining it – Quinn's all pissy and nervous about lunch and I have no idea what the hell your problem is but it's going to stop now"

"Santana..."

"I don't want to hear it. You have two minutes to dry your eyes, fix your make-up and get your ass back into the goddamn snake house with a goddamn smile on your face or I'll kick your ass from here to Sunday"

And with that, Santana storms out of the bathroom, leaving a speechless Rachel sitting on the lid of the toilet, tears stopped.

(One minute and fifty-eight seconds later, she walks back into the snake house, a large – and not entirely fake – smile on her face).

* * *

><p>At one pm, Brittany's phone goes off, announcing that Mike, Matt and Puck have arrived to take them to lunch.<p>

Brittany claps excitedly and skips to the front of the zoo, Santana's eyes flicker with what looks like jealously and Quinn's face loses what little colour it had left. Brittany's the only one who seems even remotely excited about the lunch and by the time they get to the restaurant, she understands why.

They hadn't been able to find a taxi, and after a lot of cursing, Puck finally agreed that they could just walk to the Chinese restaurant. She ended up walking next to a silent Santana, a fuming Puck and a nervous Quinn while she tried to forget the fact that she and Tina always used to eat Chinese take-out on her birthday.

When they get to the restaurant, there's a giant argument over seating. Puck refuses to sit near Quinn, Quinn refuses to sit near Rachel, Brittany won't let Puck and Rachel sit anywhere near each other, Santana and Mike had a minor (complete with Santana cursing in Spanish) disagreement over who got to sit next to the birthday girl...

It was absolute hell.

* * *

><p>The conversation revolved around Brittany rambling about the zoo, Santana bragging that she was there and that Mike wasn't, Matt trying to force Santana to stop talking, Quinn attempting to check her phone (multiple times) and Puck shooting Rachel sympathetic looks (multiple times).<p>

All she wants is to go back to the dorm room but as soon as they've finished lunch, she learns that Santana has other plans.

"Rachel... do you think we could talk?" Puck whispers to her across the table. She's saved from answering when Santana cuts across the conversation.

"It'll have to wait Puckerman. Rachel and I are going out for coffee while Mike and Brittany go on a romantic walk or whatever the hell they do. You have to work anyone", she reminds him.

She can hear the finality in Santana's voice so she doesn't dare to disagree. Clearly, no one else does either, as they all disperse according to Santana's directions.

That's how she finds herself sitting in a Starbuck's with Santana Lopez.

* * *

><p>"Look, I'm sorry I acted like a bitch to you at the zoo today", Santana begins as soon as they sit down. "The zoo has just been our thing since we were seven years old and I was already upset about people intruding on that. I already have to put up with Mike snatching half the day away from me, and it just makes me more determined to make my half of the day perfect, but you and Quinn seemed determined to ruin it"<p>

"You don't have to apologize Santana. You were just trying to make Brittany's birthday perfect. I would have done the same if I was in your situation"

"Well, I had no right to talk to you like that. Clearly, you were upset and I showed no concern or respect for you. If you want to talk about it, I'm a pretty good listener when I'm not being all crazy and manipulative", she offers, her voice light and teasing.

"I was just tired. It's been a long week and I'm missing home and today was just a bit too much for me"

"I know you probably don't feel the same Rachel, but we consider ourselves a family, and Brittany's adopted you into that family so we have your back now, no matter what"

"Thank you Santana. That's just what I needed to hear... especially today"

"I know, I'm amazing. You can thank your lucky stars later. Now, I have to go and pester Puck at work – he's probably a bit grumpy because I only just let him back in the apartment _and _I stopped him from talking to you. I'm gonna bring him a coffee... you want to come with me?"

"Go with you where?"

"To Puck's tattoo parlour... it's about 15 minutes away from the NYU campus. It's actually quite a nice place... a few clothing shops, a chemist and this amazing kebab store... it's this really close-knit little street and it always feels like home. I think that's just what you need today!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN #2: And I'm back. There's something important mentioned in this chapter that will be heavily featured in the next two chapters. Guess correctly and you win a one-shot of your choosing or a question about any of my stories that I will answer 100% truthfully (unless it ruins the entire plot of this story).**


	9. The Written Words

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews. It makes me speechless when I sign in to my e-mail account and have so many different notifications from this story. Now, there were a lot of good guesses, and a few people guessed things that will be in the story later on, but two people guessed exactly the thing I was thinking of. Hysterical laughter, gleek06216 and Cameo45, you win a prize! Please PM me with your question or request! **

**Oh, and Puck doesn't own the tattoo parlour, he just works there. **

* * *

><p>They take a taxi to Puck's tattoo parlour. Santana rattles on the whole way and she's never felt more grateful to her than right now. She hates cars and only gets in them when absolutely necessary but every time she clicks her seatbelt into place, she hovers on the edge of a panic attack.<p>

She's not just scared about the car ride though. She has no idea why she told Santana that she'd come along for the ride but she's already regretting that decision. She doesn't want to see Puck, not after their last confrontation. In fact, she'd be more than happy to never see him again but being roommates with Brittany destroys that option.

As soon as they turn onto the street with Puck's tattoo parlour, her face pales and her hands go all clammy.

She recognises this street. This is where she ran to the other night when she and Puck got into their massive argument. This is supposed to be her safe haven, away from everything, where she can come and think about what should have been. This is supposed to be hers and Finn's.

Sitting in the centre of the street is the mechanics office, and straight across from that is the small tattoo parlour she remembered observing last week.

The taxi slows down by the side of the road and Santana jumps out. She nervously follows suit and walks behind Santana and into the tattoo parlour.

(This place was supposed to have nothing to do with Puck).

* * *

><p>Santana marches in like she owns the place and a startled Puck lifts his head out of the magazine he was flicking through. She can see pictures of cars on the pages and oh god, this has to be his idea of a joke.<p>

"Satan... Rachel!" he says softly, his eyes roaming her face. "Rachel, do you mind if we talk?"

She doesn't. She has a lot of stuff she needs to say to him and it has to be now, while she still has the nerve. She nods her head and follows him into one of the small tattoo booths, while Santana makes herself comfortable on the sofa they have in the corner.

"Rachel, I'm really sorry. All I've done since that night is kick myself for being so stupid. I was in a bad mood over the whole Quinn situation and I took it out on you because you were there and I felt like I could. Santana would have fought back and Brittany would have cried but you were there and I needed someone to take my anger out on. And then I thought you were lying to me about your boyfriend and the situation you had with him and I was just so angry because Quinn was back and she's a lying bitch and I just needed one person to not lie to me. I know it's no excuse but I'm sorry"

"I forgive you... for that. I get that you just needed a scapegoat. I forgave you the minute you walked out of the door. What I don't forgive you for is this!"

"What do you mean?"

"I have no idea how you found out or how you went about executing your plan but I don't care. I don't need to know. All I know is that this is disgusting and sick and you are an awful human being", she yells.

"Wait... what?"

"No one knew about the mechanic shop except people back in Ohio. Close family and friends only. I didn't mention it to you – I haven't mentioned it to anyone here – so I have no idea how you found out but for you to destroy the only place I had to think of Finn by inserting yourself into it... it's a truly disgraceful thing to do"

"Rachel, slow down. You gotta explain what the hell you're talking about, 'cos I'm fucking lost"

"The goddamn mechanic shop – Finn's mechanic shop. The mechanics across the road was where Finn was supposed to be working when we came to New York, but you couldn't let me have that for myself. You had to ruin that too!" she screams, trying her best to ignore the tears prickling her eyes.

"Wait... the mechanics shop? The articles didn't say anything about that..." he says, his voice trailing off into silence as he realizes what he's just said.

"Articles?"

"As in... the magazine articles you had lying around the dorm room"

"Don't mess with me Puck. Explain what the hell you're talking about right now"

She listens with horror as Puck explains how he e-mailed the school receptionist and read every single article ever written about her. She blinks back tears when she learns that he knows about Tina, Artie and Kurt as well. Her heart breaks when he talks of how he learnt that she was so strong – strong enough to pull herself out of a wrecked car. She has to remind herself that she's only imagining the smell of petrol.

"…but I swear I didn't know about the mechanics shop. That's just a fluke Rachel…"

When he finishes his story, all she can feel is overwhelming anger.

"So you know that I tried to crawl back into the car to save them? You know that it exploded right in front of my eyes and I just had to lie there and watch as everyone I loved went up in flames? You're aware that I begged the paramedics to save my friends because they couldn't be dead… it just wasn't possible"

"Rachel…"

"I guess you know that I was ready to kill myself – that if I had found anyway to do it, I wouldn't be standing in front of you right now. I guess you know how painful it was for me to learn how to walk again. You obviously know that I could feel their eyes on me with every shaky step I took in physiotherapy. You obviously know all of that – it must have popped up in your extensive research"

"Rachel…"

"Don't Rachel me. What did you think your research would accomplish? Did you think I'd be grateful?"

"I wasn't thinking, okay? I wanted to know more without forcing you to relive it. I guess I thought I could be the person you could talk to about things…" his voice trails off as he runs his hand over his closely shaven head.

"You thought wrong" she whispers back and silence engulfs the room. She turns her back on him and stares at the wall while he sinks into a small armchair in the corner of the room, normally reserved for customers and their friends.

Within two minutes, Santana bursts into the room, her eyes concerned but a concealing smirk on her face. "It's been quiet for a couple of minutes… I was worried that Rachel had snapped and was in the process of killing you Puck", she teases, her voice light-hearted and teasing but her eyes are solemn as she stares at Puck.

Of course she'd take Puck's side. They're practically brother and sister and she's just Brittany's roommate. Silently, she walks out of the room and out of the tattoo parlour, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her family is gone and now she's screwing up someone else's.

* * *

><p>She walks until she reaches the NYU campus. It takes forever but she knows Brittany won't be home and she needs time to think.<p>

She starts throwing clothes into a bag as soon as she gets to the room. She can't stay here anymore – it's too much like what she lost and she can't bear it. It's like history repeating itself and she's terrified of becoming close to these people (this family) in case they leave her (_again). _

Her phone stops her progress, beeping three times within the space of two minutes. Sighing, she makes her way to her phone.

**Three new messages: Santana**

**[6.03pm]: Drop that shirt now. I know you're packing but that's stupid, so stop right now. **

**[6.03pm]: Seriously Rach, drop the freaking shirt. Puck's not said anything about what happened between the two of you but he looks sorry so I let him move back in. That doesn't mean we're choosing his side so unpack now. **

**[6.04pm]: I'm on Puck's computer now so you better send me pictures of you unpacking your bags. **

Chuckling slightly at Santana's antics, she grabs her camera from its place of honour on the desk (it was a graduation present from Kurt), and takes a couple of photos of her bag getting progressively emptier, before sending the Latina a quick text.

**I was holding a pair of jeans, not a shirt Santana. You're losing your touch.**

* * *

><p>She crawls into bed, ready for an early night, and falls asleep in under ten minutes.<p>

(Her hand buried under the pillow strokes a picture of the five of them, beaming in their graduation caps and gowns).

* * *

><p><strong>AN #2: I look forward to three PM's in my inbox very soon! Oh and the game for this chapter… there's another bit of foreshadowing for what will happen in the next chapter, so start guessing!**


	10. Always Delete the Evidence

**A/N: Sorry about the delay. Justtoogleeky36, gleek06216, MyOwnWorstCritic, Irish Hopes and BridgetLynn all guessed correctly! If you'd like to PM me your question or one-shot request/prompt, that'd be awesome. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!**

* * *

><p>She can still remember the first day of primary school. She was new to the city and she didn't know anyone, let alone have any friends who were going to be in her class. Her mum had walked her to school and waved goodbye from the gates, and she was one of those kids who was crying on the playground as their mum walked away.<p>

She hadn't been good at making new friends and even now, years later, that's still the same. She doesn't like becoming close to people in case they leave her, and she finds it easier to be mean than nice, which still makes people run for the hills.

She had sat underneath the play equipment for the first ten minutes before class, drying her eyes so that the other kids don't find out that she was crying. None of them seem very friendly and there's only two people she can see herself talking too – the small boy sitting in the sandpit, his hair spiked up as he flicks sand at the girls trying to build sandcastles, and the little blonde girl sitting on the swings, her feet scraping the ground.

The boy's wearing cargo shorts and there's a graze on his knee and a skull and crossbones drawn on his shoulder. It's not hidden at all because he's wearing a shirt with no sleeves and he just screams danger. She really, really wants the skull and crossbones drawn on her arm too, but something beckons her to go over to the girl on the swings.

The blonde's hair is in a messy braid, little pieces of hair falling out and framing her face. She's wearing shorts and a t-shirt that's already covered in paint, even though they haven't gone inside yet. She doesn't know what it is about the blonde but she's _magnetic_.

The rest is history. The little blonde on the swings was Brittany, who immediately became her best friend, and the small boy in the sandpit was Puck, who sort of fell in step with them, but always a little behind.

(She's always felt bad for choosing Brittany, because when it comes down to it, Brittany's still her first choice and Puck's always just a little behind. She always wonders what would have happened if she had approached the boy in the sandpit all that time ago).

* * *

><p>Over the years, things remained the same. It was always her and Brittany against the world, and Puck following just a couple of steps behind and they liked it that way. Or <em>she <em>liked it that way, until the first day of high school when she discovered Brittany's habit.

Brittany collected strays.

During primary school, it was stray dogs and cats, and they'd stay with Brittany for a few days until her parents found out and they were sent back the pound. On the first day of high school, she realizes that Brittany collects stray _people _too.

Their first lunchtime, Brittany walks up with another blonde in tow. She introduces herself as Quinn, and the determined look on her face kind of impresses her (she sees a bit of herself in Quinn).

She doesn't mind Quinn too much. She starts this flirting thing with Puck pretty quickly, and although she hangs out with her and Brittany, she never tries to steal Brittany, so she's deemed acceptable. Plus, she and Puck spend a lot of time together and that kind of erases the guilt she's had over Puck, so Quinn's a success.

The second stray Brittany collects is Mike Chang, and she hates him on sight. He and Brittany dance together, and according to the way Brittany gushes about him, he's quite amazing. Judging by the way he looks at Brittany, he has a massive crush on her and is just biding his time before he does something about it.

She's _not _pleased. Brittany has always been hers, no matter whom they had crushes on or what boys asked them out on dates. She even tries telling Mike to back off but he refuses, saying that his friendship with Brittany means something to the both of them and he's not going to throw it away because she's feeling insecure. She hates him even more because he stood up to her, and his only saving grace is the fact that he and Brittany never date.

So when Brittany collects the third stray, Matt Rutherford, she's sick of it. She already has Quinn, who despite never going on one date with Puck, captures all his attention. She already tolerates Mike, who is still doing his best to woo Brittany (to little success), and she doesn't want this Matt guy to be part of their little family.

* * *

><p>She and Puck start drinking and going out to bars and sleeping around because it's fun and easy, and this way she won't get hurt anymore (she let Brittany in and all she's got in return is pain as she's pushed further and further into the background).<p>

They keep that life up for as long as they possibly can until Puck finally gets his act together and asks out Quinn, whose been pining after him for forever, and then she stops.

She's older now and a little wiser, and she's lost her chance to fight for friendship with Brittany by kicking Mike off the scene because the two of them are going out.

She realizes just how much she's missed while she's been drunk or hung-over or hidden away in someone's bed and she hates herself for missing everything that's been happened. Brittany forgives her but she can't forgive herself, so when she hears Brittany and Mike fighting over her behaviour, she runs.

* * *

><p>She's gone for a week. She sleeps in crappy motel rooms and eats junk food from the vending machine and doesn't work out, but she doesn't drink either.<p>

Her phone battery dies quickly, after the forty second text message from Brittany, and she spends the remaining four days coming to terms with the person she's turned into.

She goes to a clinic and gets tested for a bunch of different diseases. She cuts up her fake ID and throws the pieces in a dumpster outside one of the motels. She catches up on all the school work she's missed and posts it to the school, complete with a letter of apology and a promise that this will never happen again. She cuts her hair, throws away all of her revealing clothes and puts on the friendship bracelet Brittany made her all those years ago.

She comes back after seven days away, listens to Brittany's lectures, apologises to Mike for being such a jerk to him, offers her congratulations to Puck and Quinn and asks Matt out on a date.

The rest is history.

* * *

><p>So, on that day when she hears Puck and Rachel (Brittany's newest stray) fighting in the tattoo room, she consoles Puck first because he looks a little lost and a little <em>too <em>close to falling apart (a little too similar to the time when Quinn left) and she can't deal with that again. She watches Rachel walk out of the door and she knows that she'll have to fix that later but right now, she has to help Puck.

He refuses to tell her what he and Rachel were arguing about but she doesn't care. She can see that he's sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt Rachel – the weariness in his eyes and the way his hand is still shaking slightly proves that – and she instantly forgives him for upsetting Brittany last week.

She follows him to the motel and helps him pack his bags and it feels so much like old times that she pauses whilst shoving his shirts into a bag. She remembers all those years when it was just her, Brittany and Puck; she remembers the strays Brittany picked up over the years and the way she felt so replaced and she remembers just how far she's come from that lost teenage girl who ran away for a week because she just couldn't deal with it anymore.

And right then and there, she resolves that none of her friends are going to have to deal with that.

* * *

><p>She texts Rachel as soon as Puck is settling back into their apartment and orders her to e-mail the photographs of her unpacking her bags. She's not going to let Rachel make the same mistake she did, because although it helped her, it hurt everyone else.<p>

Logging onto Puck's computer, she opens up his e-mail account and waits impatiently for the new message to arrive. Her mobile rings while she's waiting and she chuckles when she sees that it's Rachel.

"I'm still waiting for those photos Berry", she answers.

"Is this really necessary Santana? I assure you that I've unpacked my bags", Rachel retorts.

"Send the photos to Puck's e-mail account. The address is written on Britt's whiteboard", she replies, ignoring Rachel's queries. "Now, would you like to tell me why you and Puck were arguing today?"

"It's not important Santana, but thank you for offering to listen. It's very kind of you to extend that courtesy to me when we've only recently become friends"

"Yeah, yeah whatever", she grumbles, slightly annoyed that Rachel now knows she has a nice side. She's gone years without people finding that out, and she'd have been more than happy if Rachel never knew.

"What I find even nicer is that you have Puck's back no matter what. You didn't even know what happened today and the two of you haven't been speaking properly but you still stayed behind to help him. It's really admirable Santana"

"Look, don't tell anyone I said it, but I kinda feel responsible for Puck these days. I don't know how much he's told you about the Quinn situation, so I won't go too detailed because it's up to him to tell you, but it was kind of my fault. He probably would have broken up with her immediately but I swooped in and convinced him to give her another chance. If I hadn't done that, they would have broken up and rest of that crap wouldn't have happened", she explains quietly as she scrolls through Puck's e-mail program, pausing when he sees one with Rachel's name as the subject line.

Curious, she double clicks and the message fills the screen.

_Sorry about the delay in the reply. I am indeed able to help you on your quest for information. I remember Rachel Berry well, and I'm sorry to hear that she's still struggling. I've been searching our school files for anything that we can disclose to you, and I've enclosed as much as possible. I also searched the newspaper archives for all references of Rachel Berry, and I managed to include a copy of the police report. Please take caution whilst reading the police report. I read it myself, and the level of detail included is horrifying. _

_Good luck to you. I hope you can help Rachel recover. She was an unforgettable girl and I hope you will help her find happiness again._

"Santana, did you hear me?" Rachel's voice interrupts and Santana quickly minimizes the screen. "I said that it wasn't your fault and that you can't blame yourself for what happened. You did what you thought was best and at the end of the day, Puck made the final decision so realistically, the blame doesn't lie upon your shoulders"

"Yeah... thanks Rachel", she says softly. "I'll talk to you later. I gotta go. Puck needs help putting all his stuff away"

Without waiting for Rachel to answer, she ends the call and puts her phone on the counter. With shaking hands, she opens the e-mail and starts opening the attachments, one by one. She smiles at the images of a young Rachel Berry, and she's just reading about Rachel and a boy named Finn Hudson's win at Nationals when Puck walks in.

"Satan, what the hell are you doing?" he hisses when he sees the attachment open on the screen. "That's private information"

"Well, why are you researching Rachel anyway? Haven't you heard of a thing called privacy?"

"Look, Rachel told me that her boyfriend Finn had died and I did some research because I wanted to know what happened without Rachel having to relive it all"

"Wait... what? Finn dies?" she shouts, her eyes widening. If the situation was less severe, Puck would have probably found it comical.

"You've read the articles Santana. Don't act all surprised now"

"Correction – I've read _some _of the articles. I was just reading about the win at Nationals, dumbass! Spoilers much?"

"Santana, this isn't a TV show. This is Rachel's life. Stop being such an insensitive bitch!"

"It was a joke, Puckerman. And pot calling the kettle black much? You call me an insensitive bitch when you went behind her back and researched her?"

"That was different! Just read the articles Satan. You might as well get the rest of the story"

"I already know. You just told me that her boyfriend died... now I know why she's been so upset... she's still grieving over the loss of her high school sweetheart"

"Santana, it's worse than that", he says softly, guiding her back into her chair and opening the next attachment. "Keep reading"

He settles on the couch and waits as she reads the articles. He hears the small gasps she makes and the sound of sniffles (which really freaks him out because Santana _never _cries) until he hears the familiar sound of his computer shutting down.

"You can't mention what you know to anyone - not Matt, Mike, Quinn, Brittany or Rachel", he calls without turning around, giving her a couple of minutes to compose herself. "_Especially _not Brittany or Rachel"

* * *

><p>In the dorm rooms at NYU, Rachel slides her phone back into her pocket, and sighs at Santana's sudden change of mood. Just when she thinks she's getting to know the Latina, her mood changes and she's like an entirely different grabs her bag and walks towards the small wardrobe, struggling to hoist it onto the top. Pulling a chair towards the wardrobe to help her in her struggle, she stretches her arm and makes sure there's nothing on the top of the wardrobe that could possibly send the bag tumbling back down.<p>

Her hand comes in contact with a piece of plastic and she pulls it off of the wardrobe and flings it onto her bed before hoisting her bag back on to the roof of the the chair back into place, she sinks into her bed and looks at the object she's just pulled off the top of the wardrobe. It's a DVD in case, with the words _I love you_ scrawled across the front, and her eyebrows furrow as she tries to figure it out.

The sound of the door opening forces her to shove the DVD under her pillow. It's hidden just as Brittany walks into the room, a large smile on her face from her date with Mike, and although they make small talk until they go to bed, Rachel's heart isn't in it.

She can't stop thinking about what might be on that DVD.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: A new type of game for this chapter! Answer the question right and you win a prize (same prizes as always): What is on that DVD? Happy guessing!**


	11. The Dance of the Heart

**A/N: Sorry about the delay – exam study has taken over my life. Prizes are still on the way. No winners from last chapter... good luck for next time! **

* * *

><p>The only thing she's certain of is that the DVD isn't hers. She packed her bags herself and unpacked them at the other end and the DVD case was definitely not in there. She doesn't recognise the writing on the case, not that it means much, because she wouldn't be able to recognise any of Brittany's friends handwriting.<p>

She waits for the blonde to leave, not even listening to her rambling as she grabs her bag and the goodbye she throws over her shoulder as she pulls the dorm door shut behind her. As soon as she can hear Brittany's footsteps walking away, she grabs her laptop and slides the DVD into the drive, her fingers drumming impatiently as she waits.

A million scenarios run through her mind. It could simply be a burnt DVD that Mike gave Brittany as a thoughtful gift, or it could be some DVD that Puck left here from that disastrous time he crashed on the floor.

As the DVD loads and Mike's face flashes on the screen, all she can feel is relief that she waited for Brittany to leave before pressing play.

* * *

><p>"Happy Birthday Britt", Mike says softly, a smile lighting up his face. "I know you aren't in the mood for celebrating but we love you so we aren't taking no for an answer. We didn't know what to get you so I came up with the idea of a DVD with messages from all of us, and Santana organised the rest"<p>

At the mention of her name, the camera wavers and then steadies itself as Santana appears to hand the camera over to someone else and shove Mike a little before settling in the center of the screen.

"God Chang, anyone would think you were a chick. Man up before Britt dumps you for a real guy", Santana teases, successfully ignoring Mike's protests. "Anyways B, the ninja is right. You're family Britt and we're gonna celebrate your goddamn birthday no matter what"

"Santana..." Matt says warningly from his spot behind the camera.

"Matt, we agreed that whoever holds the camera has to be silent so shut it", she hisses, her eyes narrowing. "Let me record my best friend's birthday message in peace"

Mike frowns but says nothing and the camera shakes slightly before zooming in on Santana's face. "Back to the point... Happy Birthday Britt! I know you don't feel like celebrating and I don't blame you but we've had a tradition for years now and I guess I feel kinda empty because we won't be going to the zoo this year", she explains, reaching out to hit Mike as he sniggers. "I couldn't just sit back and do nothing for your birthday. We've already lost Fabray and Puckerman's on the way to joining her", she growls, clearly angry over Puck's actions, "and you can't be the next person I lose"

The camera zooms back rapidly as Santana starts to cry and a frightened looking Mike jumps in. "What she means is that it's been hard on all of us. You may feel like none of understand and you're right. We don't understand. We want to though"

"You just have to let us in Britt", Matt says quietly from behind the camera, and Santana's head snaps up, her tears wiped away.

"God, you sentimental idiots, we're supposed to be happy and celebrating, not all mopey and tearful", Santana lectures. "Sorry Britt, I can't keep these guys in line. This was supposed to be all happy and stuff, with us talking about our favourite memories with you but Chang and Rutherford here had to ruin it".

The video fades out as Santana hits Mike around the head but the video is far from over.

* * *

><p>The next clip lights up the screen quickly. The camera is focused on Santana's face, and if she squints, she can see Matt and Puck just to her right.<p>

"And we're here for Brittany's dance recital!" she exclaims happily. "B's going to be beyond amazing!"

There's a chuckle from behind the camera which she recognises as Mike's, and Santana's smile quickly fades away. "Why are you focusing the camera on me? Britt's about to start dancing"

The camera swings around to focus on the stage but she can still hear Santana threatening Mike with violence if he misses even a second of Brittany's performance.

The camerawork is slightly dodgy, with lots of quick zooms as Mike attempts to close in on Brittany's face, but one thing is clear: Brittany's an amazing dancer.

The crowd rises to their feet to give her a standing ovation and she can hear Santana and Mike screaming that Brittany is their best friend and girlfriend respectively.

* * *

><p>The clips are short and fast. Brittany showing off her dance moves while Santana sings in the background and Mike twirls around with her. Santana laughing as Brittany tells a story about her dance class that day. Puck frowning as Brittany tries to pull him to his feet to dance. Brittany teaching Santana and Matt and Puck and Quinn how to do the waltz.<p>

The screen fades into black for a few seconds before Santana's face flickers back onto the screen. "Hey Britt, it's me again. I know you probably have no idea why all these dance clips were on here, and it's probably made you really sad so I'm here to explain. Chang's idea was to just have clips of us saying what we liked most about you and I said I'd organise all of it, including the editing because I had a better idea and I knew he wouldn't agree if I told him. I felt like I had to do this because you can't be the next person I lose; I won't allow it. Watching you grieve is killing me Britt... god, it's getting so bad I've hijacked your birthday project to guilt you into feeling better. I just want you to realize that there's more to your life than dancing B... a whole lot more"

Santana fades off the screen again, replaced by more clips, this time having nothing to do with dancing. Teenage Brittany learning how to drive while teenage Santana shrieks and jumps out of the way. Santana and Brittany giving Puck a Mohawk while he sleeps. Brittany getting ready for her first date with Mike. Matt teaching Brittany how to fly her kite; Puck buying her ice-cream; Quinn brushing her hair... flashes of their lives together flickering over the screen until it once again fades to black.

_**Happy Birthday Brittany! a**_ppears on the screen, followed by _**don't tell anyone about this B... they thought we scrapped the DVD idea after the first recording session was such a disaster. **_

Her hands shaking, she ejects the DVD and places it back in its case before standing up and managing to flick it back on top of the wardrobe. She walks slowly back to the bed, her mind reeling, and as she settles back down, she sees a flash of blonde hair out of the corner of her eye.

_Brittany. _

* * *

><p>"Brittany..."<p>

"I just realized I left my wallet and I really need it cos San and I were gonna go and grab lunch together", the blonde says softly as she digs through the handbag she wore yesterday.

"It's on the desk", she replies, guilt swirling around her stomach. "Britt... can we talk?"

"We don't have to Rachel. You saw a DVD on the top of the wardrobe and you watched it because you were curious. There's nothing else to say"

"I shouldn't have done it Brittany".

"You could have just asked me anything you wanted to know. I would have told you. You didn't need to go behind my back to find out about my past"

"It wasn't intentional. I wasn't deliberately trying to find out about what happened in your life. I found the DVD while putting my bag away and I didn't recognise the writing on the front, and I couldn't stop thinking about what could possibly be on there".

"The writing is Santana's. She gave me the DVD as a birthday present during the worst year of my life. It was the worst year I've ever struggled through but the best birthday I've ever had", Brittany explains, her eyes trained on the floor. "She left the DVD on my desk the night before and told me to watch it as soon as I got up. She managed to time everything perfectly because the second the video finished, she came tumbling into my room, her arms filled with teddy bears".

"That's really sweet Britt", she says softly, her eyes staring at her roommate, willing her to look up.

"She said that because I didn't want to go to the zoo, she'd bring the zoo to me. She set up a mini zoo around the room and locked the door so no one could interrupt and we spent the day laughing and messing around with the stuffed animals she brought. At the end of the day, she told me to pick my favourites to keep and she took the rest of them with her. I picked the penguin and the tiger and when I went to put them on my bed after she left, I realized that they had notes pinned to their ears, telling me how amazing and special I was and that there was more to me than just dancing"

"Brittany, that's beautiful".

"I was back to my mopey self the next day and then Puck turned around and yelled at me, and I yelled back and I know he thinks we fixed each other, and I suppose we sort of did, but really, it was San. She fixed me"

"If you don't mind me asking, what actually happened?"

"I was at dance rehearsals. I'd taken time off after high school so that I could train for dance until I was good enough to get into Julliard. The stage was still wet and I slipped and fell off of it, shattering my knee. They managed to repair most of the damage so I'm able to walk but I haven't been able to dance since. I got really depressed and struggled with everything for a while cos I was always planning to be a dancer but I'm okay with it now. I have amazing friends and I'm happy and I may not be able to dance but I came here instead and I'm glad because if I had gone to Julliard, I would never have met you"

"It seems like we were meant to meet Brittany. I actually had a scholarship for Julliard, for dance and theatre – mainly musical theatre - but I got into a car accident on the way to my graduation party. I suffered from some pretty nasty burns and I broke my back, so I had to learn how to re-walk, and by the time I was healthy enough to fulfil my scholarship, my voice was scratchy, my dancing was weak and my acting was subpar, so now I'm here, studying to become a publisher".

Brittany doesn't say anything, choosing to throw her arms around Rachel instead of continuing with the conversation. It feels nice to be able to share parts of her story with a person of her choosing instead of them going behind her back and researching her.

"I just had the best idea Rach! Mike's dad has this house by the beach that he lets us borrow whenever we need a break. I'll call him and ask him if we can borrow it this weekend and you, me, San, Quinn, Mike, Matt and Puck will all drive down and stay there. San can make cocktails and Quinn's really good at face-masks and Matt makes the best potato salad. Puck can bring some music and we'll have a bonfire on the beach with those little red cups that the people in the movies always drink from. It'll be amazing!"

She forces a smile on her face at Brittany's enthusiasm but her heart sinks. She doesn't want to be around Puck, and she has no idea how she's going to be able to convince Brittany to let her stay home.

Despite all of that, she has far bigger problems. Brittany's expecting them to _drive_ there, and she gets terrified even stepping foot in a car – hell, a fifteen minute taxi ride has her on the edge of her seats, her mind already imagining what could possibly happen.

This isn't going to end well.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: If anyone can guess my least favourite Glee couple and one of my three most favourite Glee couples they win a one-shot of their choice or the right to ask any question. Have fun guessing!**


	12. A Moment Like This

**A/N: LayLayX is the winner this time. She guessed my least favourite couple and **_**all **_**of my favourite couples, so she wins the prize. PM me with your question or your one-shot request. **

* * *

><p>Brittany had been a blur of energy ever since she had decided that a weekend away was the perfect way for everyone to bond. She had called Mike straight away, asking him to get the beach house for the weekend, and had received a call back within the hour, saying that they were more than welcome to use the house.<p>

She had fired off texts to Santana, Matt, Puck and Quinn, telling them to pack their bags because they'd be driving up to the beach house this Friday, and got four instant replies, all varied in enthusiasm but all saying that they'd go, just for Brittany.

They were supposed to be leaving on Friday, which gave her just over two days to convince Brittany to let her stay at home.

Operation: Cancel beach trip was a go.

* * *

><p>On Wednesday, she pretended to come down with the flu, coughing and spluttering in bed, but Brittany called Santana and Santana, within minutes of walking in the door, called her bluff. On Wednesday afternoon, she pretended to sprain her ankle but Brittany simply put ice on it and bandaged it up, saying that she'd be ready to go for Friday.<p>

On Thursday morning, she pretended that she had a major assignment to finish but Brittany e-mailed her professor and reassured her that she still had three weeks before she had to hand it in. On Thursday afternoon, she broke down in hysterics (those acting lessons finally paid off), saying that she wasn't able to go if Puck was going, but the distraught look on Brittany's face forced her to change her tune.

On Friday morning, she slept in and no matter how many times Brittany called her name, she didn't open her eyes, hoping that the blonde would just let her stay in bed, but instead, her roommate set Mike on her, who took great pleasure in jumping on her bed until she crawled out. On Friday afternoon, when everyone was meeting in the dorm room with their bags, she snapped the zip off of her suitcase as a last minute attempt to get out of the trip, her face falling into a pout as her clothes spilled all over the floor. Matt was more than happy to quickly drive back to the apartment and grab her a spare bag though, and by 2.15pm, she was officially out of options.

She had no choice but to tell the truth.

"Hey Britt... can I talk to you for a second?" she asked as soon as the others had begun to lug their bags out to the car.

"Rach, this better not be another silly excuse to get out of the trip. You're coming and that's final. You'll have a great time when we get there, I promise!"

"Britt... remember how I told you about the car accident I was in?" she says hesitantly, pausing as Brittany nods her head. "Ever since then, I've had a fear of cars. I can't sit in a car for longer than ten minutes without getting antsy and the thought of driving to the beach house is killing me"

"But the best part of going to the beach house is the road trip", Brittany pouts, her eyes wide as she bites at her bottom lip. "Mike and I have a bunch of road games that we like to play, and we hired a car that was big enough for all of us to fit... you can't bail now"

"Britt..."

"I promise that we're really good drivers. Matt's driving us and he's never, ever had an accident. I promise you'll be safe Rach..."

"Brittany, I just can't"

"That isn't a reason Rachel... don't you trust me? We'll keep you safe"

"I didn't tell you the full truth about the accident, okay? I was on the way to my graduation party with my boyfriend Finn, his step-brother Kurt, my best friend Tina and her boyfriend Artie and it was one of those perfect moments that you feel like you'll remember forever. Finn lost control of the car and we spun out of control and hit a tree, and the car tore straight down the middle. I managed to get out, but none of them did, and I couldn't rescue them before the car blew up. I just can't get in a car again, not with friends who seem so happy, not when I know what could possibly happen"

"Rachel..." Brittany whimpers, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know"

"I'm just going to stay at home this time. Maybe next time I'll be able to book a flight and come with you but I think it's best for all of us if I just stay behind"

"No, you can't do that! If you stay here, you'll be letting death win Ray. You may as well congratulate him for what he did, because you're just sitting here and taking it. You have to keep fighting and show him that he may have taken everything from you but you aren't going to give up", Brittany says softly as she extends her hand.

"It's time to go Britt", Santana calls from the door.

"And if you cancel now, Puck will think that it's because of him", Brittany whispers into her ear before grabbing her hand. "Don't let him think he has any power over you"

So her mission failed but it doesn't seem like that much of a bad thing because Brittany's hand in hers is exceptionally warm and for the first time in a long time, she doesn't feel so overwhelmingly alone.

* * *

><p>By the time they settle in the car, she can tell it's going to be an awkward and uncomfortable journey. Matt's driving and there's a brief argument between Santana and Puck about who is going to sit next to him in the passenger's seat (for some reason, neither of them want it), which only ends when Santana beats him at scissors paper rock.<p>

Then Santana practically forces Mike to sit in the seats they've pulled down in the boot, and glares at Quinn until she offers to sit in the boot as well. Only then does Santana put a smile on her face as she slides into her seat, not even fighting to sit next to Brittany, but choosing to sit next to her and grip her hand tightly, smiling a little more as Brittany does the same.

"Eyes on the road", she teases Matt, who rolls his eyes before looking forward. "We don't want any accidents today"

If Santana or Brittany notice the way she tenses, they don't say anything and she's insanely grateful to them. "Relax Rachel, Matt's a great driver. He'll get us there safely, I promise"

"Wait... you told San?" Brittany asks, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I thought no one else knew"

"I didn't tell Santana", she replies, her face mirroring Brittany's. "I have no idea how she knows. Did Puck tell you?" she hisses.

"No, I found the files on his computer", Santana whispers, just as Brittany hisses "Puck knew too? And neither of you told me?"

"It wasn't our secret to tell Britt"

"Just don't Santana. We're best friends. We don't have secrets. I've been worried about Rachel for weeks and you didn't tell me. That's not something a best friend does", Brittany snaps before turning her head away from Santana.

"Brittany..." Santana trails off, unsure of what to say next, her face contorting into confusion as Rachel rips her hand away, leans forward and slaps Puck around the head.

"Damn Rachel, what the hell was that for?" he grumbles, turning and glaring at her. The frown quickly melts off his face when he sees that she's near tears and he orders Matt to pull over. "Satan, switch with me now", he growls, practically throwing open the doors in his haste to switch seats.

For once, Santana doesn't argue, merely sliding into the passenger's seat with a sigh, and watches in the rear view mirror as Puck grabs Rachel's hand and gently rubs it, pulling her close into his side. For once, Rachel doesn't have anything to say, and despite the fact that she was furious Puck just this morning, she lets him comfort her.

The rest of the drive is silent, with Santana and Brittany staring out their windows, Matt refusing to take his eyes off the road, Quinn sleeping in the back, Mike playing hangman on his phone and Puck stroking Rachel's hair until she fell asleep.

If only the rest of the weekend had continued down that path...

* * *

><p>She pulls away from Puck as soon as the car pulls up outside the house, her face flaming red with embarrassment and anger at what happened in the car ride. She's embarrassed because the way they were sitting looked so personal and intimate, and she's more than a little angry because she's still upset with him and he took advantage of her when she wasn't feeling strong enough to push him away.<p>

The weekend goes from bad to worse as they pull up at the house. She's supposed to be sharing a bedroom with Santana, Quinn and Brittany, and although it could be worse (she could be sharing with Puck), she's kind of nervous about having to spend two nights with a trio of girls that are almost ready to kill each other (Santana and Brittany aren't speaking and Santana is always on the verge of slapping Quinn).

She watches Brittany unpack her bags, all while successfully ignoring Santana's pleas to 'just listen to my side of the story Britt', and she feels trapped when Brittany asks her if she wants to share one of the two double beds. Initially, she was supposed to be sharing with Quinn (despite the awkwardness) so that Brittany and Santana could share, and she feels Santana's eyes on her as soon as Brittany asks her.

"Sure Britt, that'll be fine", she says softly, avoiding eye contact with Santana and folding her clothes into the wardrobe. She can feel Santana's anger practically vibrating around the room, partly because Brittany's mad at her and partly because she has to share with Quinn now too.

Santana walks out of the room after that and as soon as Brittany and Quinn have finished unpacking their bags, they walk off in different directions, Brittany explaining that she's just gone to see Mike and Quinn giving no explanation but gracing her with a tiny smile.

She decides to just crawl into bed and sleep the afternoon away. She's got a killer headache and she just wants to pretend that she's not stuck in this beach house where everyone's fighting.

* * *

><p>Her silence is interrupted within half an hour as Quinn comes storming back into the room, banging the door behind her and throwing her suitcase onto the empty bed, frantically flinging her clothes back inside it.<p>

"Quinn, what are you doing?" she says quietly from her place under the covers.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take. I've apologised so many times and told him that I'm not here to get him back, but he still won't look at me. God, I only want him in my life as a friend, just like I want Santana and Brittany and Mike and Matt back. I just want my family back but he won't even look at me Rachel, and it's all your fault", she growls, taking a menacing step towards her.

"My fault?"

"Puck's always been able to forgive me for anything, even when I didn't deserve it. I've never had anyone love me unconditionally like that and I liked it, okay? That doesn't make me a selfish person. It makes me human. And yes, I made some mistakes. I'm not flawless. I get upset too easily and make stupid decisions when I'm emotional and even though it doesn't seem like it, I don't forgive myself for the mistakes I've made..."

"Quinn, I'm sure he just needs time"

"God Rachel, are you that stupid?" she yells, her eyes wide as she yanks her fingers through her hair, pulling it out of the ponytail it's been in all day. "I waited a long time for Puck; waited while he grew up and reduced his drinking habits and stopped sleeping with women he met in a bar. I waited a long, _long _time for Puck to be ready to start dating me, and when that happened, we were happy. We were together for two years and we may have fought sometimes, but we always made up and I truly loved him. I've never loved anyone like I've loved him"

"Quinn, I thought you said you didn't want to get back together with him?"

"I don't. I just want him to forgive me like he always used to", she whispers before bursting into tears. "He stayed with me even when I cheated, and was willing to help me raise the baby, and I just kept pushing and pushing at him, and even after I broke his heart and ran away, he still answered my phone calls and still looked at me like I hung the stars... or he did until he met you"

"Me?"

"You really are that stupid, aren't you? He may not realize it yet, and you obviously don't notice it, but he has feelings for you. Today in the car... the way he stroked your hair back from your face as you fell asleep, well, that's how he used to comfort me. And the way he ordered Matt and Santana about... I've only ever seen him down that the first time we ever drove to the beach house, and I got car sick. He looks at you the same way he used to look at me and it kills me inside Rachel, because you've got something that I lost a long time ago and I'm still trying to get it back. You have his respect, and his admiration and his faith, and you haven't even noticed yet"

She's silent for a second too long, and she can tell the instant Quinn's guard goes back up. She wipes away her tears, and her eyes go back to that cold, indifferent state they're usually in, and her face settles back into her emotionless mask. "I don't know why he feels that way about you though. I heard Brittany telling Mike about your high school boyfriend on my way back up here and her voice sounded so sad. God, what's the big deal? Did he break up with you? Find you too grating, too high-maintenance, didn't want a long-distance relationship?" she hisses venomously, her eyes narrowing as she picks at the only weakness she's been able to find.

"Quinn, please stop now. You have no idea what you're talking about", she warns, her eyes already swimming with tears.

"Well, considering you're the same age as us but your still in your first year at NYU like Brittany... I'm guessing you gave up your dreams to stay behind in that small town you grew up in and then you found him in your bed with some other girl"

With a strangled sob, she jumps out of the bed and stalks towards Quinn. "You have no idea what you're talking about Quinn, so just stop"

"Touchy subject, huh? Was it your sister? Best friend? Oh, let me guess... he was in bed with another guy?"

With a shaky hand, she pushes Quinn out of the way and brushes past her, running down the stairs and out the front door, relishing the large slamming sound it makes behind her.

She's just going to keep running and never, ever come back.

* * *

><p>Her silence last for hours. The sun sets over the ocean, and the wind whips at her hair as it gets darker, but no one can see her from her secluded place amongst the dunes. Just as she begins to get goosebumps, despite the sweatshirt, she begins to see an outline of a person running towards her. Ignoring the instinct to duck out of sight, she sighs when <em>his <em>voice breaks the silence.

"Jesus Christ Rachel, you can't just run away like that", Puck growls as he runs towards her, his eyes worried. "Do you know how long I've spent looking for you?"

"Just leave it Puck. I just needed a break"

"Yeah, we know. We all heard the front door slamming shut and then Quinn came in all pale telling us she'd done something horrible and that we had to go after you. Santana looked ready to kill her, Brittany had to physically restrain her from starting something and we've been looking for you ever since"

"I asked her to stop but she seemed so _upset, _and _angry _and _distraught, _like the only possible way she could get rid of all those feelings was to take it out on me"

"That's Quinn... she bottles everything up inside until she can't take it anymore and she just explodes. After a while of being around her, you can tell when the fuse is going to burn out, and you know to run for it", he explains quietly, putting his jacket around her shoulders before sitting down next to her in the sand.

"You just tolerate it? None of you say anything?"

"Not even Santana dares to say anything, and she's the biggest badass any of us have ever met. There's just something about Quinn... you can't question her, and it's so easy to forgive her, no matter what she does to you. It's taken me years to finally be truly mad at her for everything she did to me. She picks something she sees as a weakness and just picks at it until you can't take it anymore because she feels like it deflects the attention away from her. What did she say to you?"

"She heard Brittany and Mike talking about Finn and she thought he was my ex-boyfriend, and she just kept picking at the reasons our relationship could have fallen apart"

"God, Rach, I'm sorry. I know that must have sucked for you", he says softly, placing his hand gently on her knee.

"What sucks more is how I'm just the girl everyone feels sorry for, and it's all because of you", she hisses, shaking his hand off her knee. "I came to New York for a fresh start... so that no one could look at me and see the girl who lost everything, but you just had to screw that up for me. You just had to step in and be such a jerk, and because of you, practically everyone knows"

"You were the one who told Brittany", he reminds her, and she can see that his eyes are flashing dangerously as the street light throws beams across his face.

"Because she needed to know why I couldn't go on the trip... it was my secret to tell Puck, and you took that right away from me. Now I'm just everyone's pity case and that was the only thing I didn't want", she whispers, her eyes vacant as she stares at the ocean.

"I'm sorry Rachel, I am. It was a stupid thing for me to do and if I could take it back, I would, but you're wrong. You're wrong about the way we see you. Brittany had adopted you into the family before she even knew about your past. She loves you because of the person you are, not because of what happened to you. We consider you family Rachel, not because we feel sorry for you but because we like you"

"As soon as Matt and Quinn find out, nothing will be the same. You may not do it on purpose, but you'll look at me with sympathy in your eyes, and you'll try and protect me and keep me sheltered from everything and for once, I just wanted to be treated like a normal person", she responds, her eyes flickering in the light.

"Rachel, I don't know how else to make you believe this", he whispers, gently tilting her chin towards him. "You are an amazing person. Sure, we're going to feel sorry for you because you've had something horrible happen in your life, but what kind of person wouldn't do that for a friend? Sure, we're going to want to protect you, but that's just what friends are for. We aren't going to restrict ourselves around you... we're still going to dare you to do stupid things, and keep filling up your glass when you aren't looking so we can see what "smashed Rachel" is like. And we're still going to look at you like you are a beautiful, strong and amazing person, and that's only going to increase when everyone knows because you are a _survivor_"

"You think I'm beautiful?" she questions, her eyes trailing across his face.

"Of course I do. You're fucking stunning", he replies, before leaning forward and pressing his lips against hers for the first time, and, he hopes, not the last.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is the first half of the weekend away. There's way more drama to come, involving a truth or dare game that will have everyone revealing secrets about themselves. **

**Okay, a simple one this time: do you have tumblr? If so, leave me your tumblr username, because I want to follow you! Anyone with tumblr gets a free question or one-shot request...**


	13. Truth or Truth

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and gave me their tumblr URL's. I've followed all of you (I'm shards-of-glass). MomoTheStrange, moirethe, EmmKaylikesMusic, ToLoveAgain, HannahRose00, Elbelleee23 and MiniDiannax all won prizes. Send me your questions or prompts and I'll start working on them as soon as possible. **

**Yeah, this is a quick update. I took a night of from studying for exams and wrote this chapter and the last one so that you guys would have something to read over the weekend and for most of next week, as I don't think I'll have time to post. Sorry!**

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><p>As soon as the kiss starts, it's over. She wipes at her lips, trying to get rid of the taste of him as she shrugs off his jacket, ignoring the stunned look on his face.<p>

"Thank you for saying all of those nice things and thank you for finding me and lending me your jacket", she rambles as she places the jacket on his lap. "I'm just going to go back to the house because I believed Brittany mentioned something about games tonight and I wouldn't want to miss that"

"Rachel..."

"If we hurry, we can make it back in time for the first game. I'm sure Brittany has put a lot of thought into this evening's activities and I wouldn't want to spoil her plans"

"Rach, are we going to talk about what just happened?" Puck asks gently, his hand closing around her wrist as he plasters a gentle smile on his face.

"Nothing just happened. You merely said some nice things and we kissed in a chaste manner that will never be repeated because we _can't _go there", she says frantically before beginning to walk in the general direction of the house. "Are you coming with me?"

"Course. It's not like I'm gonna leave you to get lost... _again_", he retorts, sticking his tongue out childishly, all while ignoring the sinking feeling in his chest.

They walk back in silence, metres of space between them, and no matter how many times Puck takes a step closer, she'll always take a step further away in response.

* * *

><p>"Rachie, you're home!" Brittany squeals as soon as she walks in the door. "I was so worried!" the blonde exclaims as she throws her arms around Rachel. "And Santana was too, and Quinn said that she didn't mean to push, not that she'll say it to your face", Brittany rambled, "but at least your back in time for games"<p>

"Where is everyone Britt?" she asks softly, ignoring the look Puck sends her as he walks further into the house.

"They're sitting in the living room so that we can play truth or truth", Brittany explains. "It's just like truth or dare, but we can't play with dares anymore, because one of us always ends up in the emergency ward".

Smiling a little at the blonde's antics, she follows her into the living room, sighing when she sees that the only spots left are next to Puck or Quinn. Deciding that Quinn is the lesser of two evils, she sits next to the blonde, her eyes twinkling as she sees Brittany sit down next to Santana, thrilled that the two of them have already made up.

"Who wants to go first?" Santana asks, her eyes lit up with excitement as she winds her pinky finger around her best friend. "How about you Quinn? Truth or truth?" she asks evilly, smirking at the way Quinn pales at the mention of her name. "What's one thing you've never told anyone in the world?"

Quinn's face flames bright red and her eyes drop to the floor but no one says anything. They all know better than to mess with Santana when she's on a mission, and right now, she seems intent on destroying Quinn.

"Pass?"

"There are no passes in this game Quinn... sorry", Mike says softly from his spot on the other side of Brittany.

The room is silent for a moment and she's almost ready to defend Quinn herself when the blonde opens her mouth. "I thought about getting an abortion so that no one would ever know that I cheated", she whispers, her eyes filled with tears.

Without realizing, she squeezes Quinn's knee reassuringly, but quickly takes it away when she sees Puck's glare from across the circle.

"You were going to what?" he says quietly, his voice dangerously cold.

"When I found out I was pregnant, I thought about getting an abortion so that you never knew I cheated on you and we could continue being that perfect couple everyone thought we were", she explains, her eyes darting around the room taking in everyone's reactions except Puck's.

"This game is over", he yells, his eyes staring daggers at everyone who dares to look at him.

"Sit down Puck", Brittany orders. "You know the rules. Once we've started, we can't finish until everyone's had a go"

"Screw the rules Brittany!"

"You better not be speaking to Brittany with that tone" Santana hisses, her eyes narrowing as she stares at Puck. "She told you to sit your ass down and follow the freaking rules, so you're going to sit your ass down and follow the freaking rules. It's Quinn's turn to ask a question", she adds when she sees Puck sit back down.

"Matt... What's your biggest regret?" Quinn asks, and by the look on her face, it's obvious she already knows the answer but she's just trying to cause trouble.

"Quinn, don't do this", he pleads. "Ask some other question"

"I can't", she says sweetly. "You know the rules. Under no circumstances can a question be changed, and remember, you must answer truthfully"

"Last year, Santana and I had this massive fight and we didn't speak for a week. I thought we were going to break up, and one night, I went out and got drunk and stumbled home with some woman I met in the bar..."

Quinn's smile makes it obvious that she knew what was coming, and Puck, Mike and Brittany's faces make it clear that they already knew about Matt's affair and were hoping Santana never found out. Santana obviously comes to the same conclusion as she looks around the room and the look of betrayal that flashes across her face when she looks at Brittany is heartbreaking.

"You knew too, Britt?"

"San... Mike made me promise not to tell you. Matt was really, really sorry and he didn't want you two to break up and Matt's so good for you, and I thought I was doing what was best for you", Brittany explains, her voice breaking as she tries to share her story.

"But what about your outburst yesterday? Best friends don't keep secrets, remember?" she whispers, her eyes filling with tears. "You were the one person I thought would never hurt me"

Brittany doesn't get a chance to reply as Matt stands up, his face livid. "You just found out I cheated on you and the only thing that's upset you is that Brittany didn't tell you? Can't you see what's wrong with this situation Santana?" he yells, his face contorted with anger.

"I always knew you'd hurt me Rutherford. Everyone always does. Brittany is the only person in the entire world that has never, ever hurt me. You think I don't know that Quinn called me a slut behind my back at every opportunity? You think I don't know that Puck agreed with her to keep her happy? You think I don't know that Mike tried to convince Britt to end our friendship because I was a bad influence? I knew you would eventually be just like the rest... I just thought Brittany would be the one person who never did something to hurt me", she screams, her hands balled into fists.

"For god's sake Santana, I'm your boyfriend. Brittany is just a friend. You have to make a choice between us. You can't be madly in love with both of us at the same time", he fumes. "It's not fair on either of us Santana"

"Well, you just made the choice a hell of a lot easier", she replies, her voice void of all emotion.

"You cannot be serious?" he questions, his voice incredulous.

"She's my best friend Matt. She's the only person I've ever been myself around. For god's sake, I take her to the zoo every year for her birthday. I fight with her boyfriend over who gets to sit next to her at the table. I hold her hand when she's excited and wipe her tears when she's crying and bring her chicken soup when she's sick. I'm her girlfriend without any of the perks", she exclaims. "You cheated on me Matt, and didn't tell me even though I value honesty more than anything else. You made my best friend keep a secret from me for years. You forced me to make a choice and I chose her. We're finished"

"Remember, no leaving until everyone has heard a turn", Quinn says from her spot on the floor, and before she has a chance to wipe the smirk off her face, Santana is launching herself across the room and scratching at her.

Brittany comes flying across the room after her, pulling Santana back by her waist and whispering soothing words in her ear. "You seem to forget that you aren't welcome here Fabray", Santana hisses, "You didn't just leave Puck in the dirt when you fled the city. You left all of us, without as much as a goodbye. You were supposed to be part of the family and you just left us without looking back. You didn't call or e-mail or text or come and visit, and now it's too late for you to become part of us again"

The room is silent as Santana's words sink in, and Quinn averts her eyes. Matt breaks the silence, turning to Mike with an apologetic look on his face. "When you first met Santana, Brittany and Quinn, what were your initial impressions?"

"I thought Santana was a bitch", he says quietly, ignoring the growl he received in return. "I thought she was heartless and manipulative and insecure. I thought Quinn was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen and that she had the laugh that could make angels worship her. I thought Brittany was stupid", he finishes, his voice trailing off into silence as he awaits the reactions.

No one says anything, and Mike sighs with relief, turning to Brittany to ask her his question. "Why did you ask me out on that first date?" he asks, trying to ignore the tears that are pooling in her eyes and the glare Santana is sending in his direction.

"I was lonely. San was always off with Puck and I thought you were really nice... Santana told me that you had always had a crush on me and I thought you were a good dancer... and it just seemed like hanging around you a little more would be nice", she said sweetly. "I never thought anything mean about you. You were always just Mike to me... the guy with the killer dance moves and the smile that made my heart beat faster... just like Santana's does"

Ignoring Mike's protests and declarations of love, she turned to Santana. "When you were younger, who did you think you would end up with?" she asks quietly, her eyes glittering with tears.

"You", Santana replies simply, a soft smile on her face. Brittany's tears stop pooling and she smiles back weakly as Santana squeezes her hand and turns to Puck. "Puckerman, what's the most memorable thing you've done in the last month?"

"I kissed Rachel", he replies. "I think that's as memorable as it comes"

"Game over", she hisses as she stands up and stalks out of the room. "Puck, we need to talk", she calls over her shoulder.

"What's so important that we need to talk right now Rach? You didn't get your chance at truth or truth", he teases her.

"What the hell is your problem? I told you that kiss didn't happen. I want to pretend that we never kissed but how am I supposed to do that when you bring it up in front of everyone?"

"Rachel, it's a game of honesty. I can't lie"

"It's a freaking game, Puck. What is everyone's fascination with continuing to play even after Matt and Santana broke up? Why is everyone so intent on airing each other's deepest, darkest secrets? Do you guys have some sick, twisted need to humiliate everyone?" she screams, not even caring that the group in the other room can hear her.

"We're a family Rachel. We spend a lot of time together, but there are a lot of things that don't get said. Santana and Brittany know everything about everyone of us, and it really annoyed all of us. We started getting into mammoth fights because they used to make it their mission to fix everything, even though sometimes things couldn't be fixed. When Mike told Brittany how upset it was making everyone, she forced us to play truth or dare once a month; with no one able to leave the game until everyone had had at least one turn. She saw it as a way for us to bond and share things so that we wouldn't all explode at each other"

"How the hell has that turned into truth or truth, the game that continues until everyone is in tears?" she asks, the anger draining from her voice as she listens to his story.

"We ended up in the emergency room a few times, and that made Brittany scared, so we had to change to truth or truth. And Santana insisted on the rule of not leaving until everyone had had a go because we had complained about the way things were before and so she was determined to make sure we got _exactly _what we wanted. It's stupid and hurtful sometimes, but in the long run, we all become closer"

"That doesn't explain why you felt the need to boast about our kiss to everyone in that room", she reminds him, her mouth falling into a pout.

"Because if Santana finds out you're lying, there's hell to pay, so I _had _to tell the truth. They asked me the most memorable thing about the last month and that was definitely kissing you. You're strong, and independent, and fiery, and beautiful, and all I can think about is kissing you again"

"Just don't Puck. We've been over this. The kiss didn't happen, okay? And if I have anything to do with it, it won't be happening again", she growls, her anger flaring at his insistence of rehashing the kiss.

"I'll wear you down eventually Rach; you can bet on it"

"Please... please don't"

He opens his mouth to reply but a loud screech from the other room sends them flying back into the living room and straight into the path of an ongoing battle.

* * *

><p>Brittany – kind, gentle, loving Brittany – is screaming at Mike, her face red with anger and her outstretched finger is constantly jabbing him in the chest.<p>

Quinn and Santana are having an all-out, no holds barred, fight, with Quinn tugging at Santana's hair and Santana manoeuvring her body so that Quinn is in a headlock while Matt struggles to get between the two of them and break up the fight.

"What the hell is going on here?" Puck yells, and the room falls silent. Brittany's finger drops away from Mike's chest, Quinn's hands fall out of Santana's hair as Santana releases her from the headlock and Matt takes a couple of steps back, panting heavily.

The room quickly breaks into pandemonium again as everyone starts to yell their problems.

"Enough!" he shouts, and once again, the room falls silent. "Brittany, Mike didn't know you back then. He judged the book by its cover, not bothering to open it up and see how amazing the content was. Quinn, Santana... stop fighting. Just admit that the two of you missed each other and get over it. The only reason Santana's being so bitchy is because you left without saying goodbye and she spent most of those years worrying about you Quinn. And Santana, the only reason Quinn is putting up a fight is because she wants you to welcome her back. She missed you, and that scares her because she likes to pretend that she doesn't need anyone. Matt, you can't blame Brittany for your break-up with Santana. You two work better as friends. If you truly loved San, you wouldn't have kept your one-night stand a secret. You would have told her so that the two of you could work it out. Santana, Brittany... the two of you need to have a long talk about what the hell's going on between the two of you because it's confusing the fuck out of the rest of us", he growls. "Now apologise to each other"

They hesitate for a moment before falling into a group hug and whispering apologies to each other.

"Wow... you're a miracle worker", she teases from her spot next to Puck, her heart melting as she looks at her friends hugging it out.

"Yeah, they've got a long way to go still but what can I say? I'm amazing", he brags. "So how about you put on your fanciest dress and we'll go out for a nice dinner?"

Her smile fades away as she glares at Puck. "When are you going to get it through your thick skull that the kiss never happened and I will _never _go out with you? I'm not interested in a relationship"

"You will be Rach... you will be", he promises as she walks away from him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The guessing game this chapter is as follows: Puck's about to step up his game to get Rachel to go on a date with him. He'll be making three major plays for her next chapter. Guess one of them and you win a one-shot. **


	14. Just Friends

**A/N: I am so sorry. I've been caught up in exams and studying and results, but school holidays are coming up, so I should be writing again regularly. Unfortunately, no-one won a one-shot because I changed my mind about how this chapter was going to go, and for that, I'm really sorry. **

**One reviewer said that they felt like the kiss came out of nowhere, and I'd like to briefly address that. For Rachel, yes, the kiss came out of nowhere. She's not in a place where she can even **_**think **_**about getting in a relationship right now. However, for Puck, it felt like a natural progression of things. His thoughts have been consumed with Rachel, and he's used to getting what he wants. The only other girl he's ever spent this much time thinking about is Quinn, and we all know how that turned out. **

**And finally, the one-shot prizes are being posted in a story. Please go to my profile and story alert the story so that you can read the prizes! And while you are on my profile, feel free to vote in the poll regarding this story. Thank you! **

* * *

><p>He's quietly confident that Rachel will eventually cave and agree to go out on a date with him. She may not be interested in a relationship, but one date with him and he's sure that she'll change her mind.<p>

Or he _was _quietly confident until Santana corners him on his way to the kitchen the next morning.

"You have to stop this Puck. You're freaking Rachel out and you know how hard it's been for her to come to terms with everyone knowing... I don't want you to mess up the fact that she's finally feeling semi-comfortable around us", Santana orders as she pulls him away from the kitchen.

"I haven't done anything Satan, so lay off", he growls, his eyes narrowing as she digs her nails into his arms.

"Announcing to the group that kissing her was the highlight of your month is not nothing", she hisses back as she fixes him with her own death glare.

"San, you have to see where I'm coming from. I really like her", he pleads, his eyes softening as he looks at the girl as he considers his best friend.

"Don't you dare pull that sappy romantic shit on me", she snaps. "I'm not in the mood for any of that... not today"

"What the hell is your problem?"

"It may have slipped your mind but Matt and I broke up last night, so forgive me if I'm not in the mood to listen to you moan and whinge about a girl who isn't interested in you", she yells, her eyes wide and her chest heaving as she screams.

"Santana, I'm going to say this one time and one time only... I'm sorry that you and Matt broke up, and I'm sorry that you're hurting because you don't deserve it, but I am going after Rachel whether you like it or not"

"After everything she's been through, she deserves better than that crap Puck, and for you to think its okay to kiss her, and then tell everyone, and then try to manipulate her into going out with you... that's not on. I'm not having you pull that on her"

"Maybe we need to stop treating her like the girl that survived a horrific car accident, and start treating her as Rachel, Brittany's roommate. Did you ever think of it like that Satan?"

"Don't you twist this around and turn it back on me. She still cries at night when she thinks Brittany is asleep... she still gets nervous when she's in a car, and getting close to people terrifies her. You may think we should be treating her as just Rachel, but she isn't just Rachel. Not right now. Right now, she's a shell of Rachel... she's barely holding on, and she's struggling so much, and even though she wants us to see her without seeing the accident, we can't, because that's such a large part of her right now"

He's silent for a moment as Santana pauses, struggling to regain her breath. "And if you ignore what I'm saying right now and choose to go after her, I will destroy you. I don't care if you are one of my closest friends... Rachel needs me more than you need me, and I will not hesitate to inflict a world of pain on you", she growls before turning and storming away from him.

It's safe to say he's not that confident anymore.

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><p>He eats breakfast silently, alone in the kitchen, before tracking Rachel down. She's sitting outside, her chin resting on her knees as she stares blankly at the horizon.<p>

"Hey Rach", he says softly as he sits down beside her. "I brought you a jacket", he adds, draping it softly over her shoulders before falling silent, waiting for her to start the conversation.

"Thanks", she whispers softly as she turns to face him. Her face is emotionless, like a blank mask, but her eyes are incredibly sad, and he realizes just how wrong he was.

"I came to apologize", he informs her. "I was selfish, and inconsiderate, and I was only really thinking about myself. That wasn't fair to you"

She doesn't say anything, but her eyes drift over his face as if she's searching for something, but he has no idea what she's looking for.

"Apology accepted", she says lightly, forcing a smile onto her face before turning and staring at the sky again.

"I'm not finished yet. I know that you're probably uncomfortable around me, and I know I went from zero to a hundred way too fast, and for that I'm sorry. You probably don't even consider me a friend, and that's understandable because I was a huge, huge jerk to you. There was no excuse for the way I treated you, and there's no excuse for my actions over the last couple of days"

"Puck..."

"Just hear me out. I've been thinking about you a lot... ever since I found out about the accident; you've been in almost every single one of my thoughts. I've worried about you, and tried to think of ways to make you smile and to tell you the truth... I got a little obsessed with you. I was so wrapped up in these images I had in my head that I didn't stop to think about what you would be thinking. I just wanted to be the one to make you feel better, and I got so caught up in that, I didn't think about anything else. I'm really, really sorry Rachel"

She doesn't say anything in response and he can feel his hands getting clammy as the silence stretches on. What if his apology isn't enough? What if she doesn't feel comfortable being around him? What if he's screwed everything up? What if Santana decides that he hasn't done enough?

"I'd really like it if we could be friends", he adds, his eyes focusing on the side of her face as he silently begs her to turn around and forgive him.

"Thank you", she whispers, her eyes softening as she turns to look at him again. Her eyes are still sad but there's a genuine smile on her face this time, and he finds himself smiling in return. "I'd really like to be friends too", she adds.

He ignores the little flicker of fear in her eyes and pushes away that sinking feeling in his chest that's telling him that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. "Deal then", he smirks, extending his hand and biting back the smile that threatens to re-emerge as she shakes his hand.

They sit there together silently as the sun steadily rises further and further overhead, and he marvels at the way the sunlight reflects off her skin.

Her face remains blank and her eyes remain sad and distant but she's still one of the most beautiful people he's ever seen, even though her hair is piled messily on her head; even though she's wearing no make-up; even though she's wearing a baggy jumper and an old pair of track pants...

Rachel Berry is _beautiful_.

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><p><strong>AN #2: One line of this chapter is foreshadowing the things yet to come. Guess the line, win a prize!**


	15. My Forever

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews. I've PM'd everyone who won a prize, except for an anonymous reviewer by the penname BT, so if BT and all the other people I messaged could get back to me with their question/prompt, that would be awesome. **

**Also, please go to my profile and story alert the prize story. They aren't getting many reviews, and I don't even know if any of you guys are seeing them, so if you are interested... :) **

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><p>The drive home is even worse than the drive out. Matt's driving and Mike's sitting in the passenger seat because Santana refuses to sit anywhere near her ex-boyfriend. Brittany and Santana are sitting on either side of her, squeezing her hands, while Brittany glares at the back of Mike's head. Puck and Quinn are sitting behind them, and the silence stretching over the car is awkward and uncomfortable.<p>

After about an hour, Matt pulls over at a petrol station so that everyone can grab a snack. She's never seen the guys move so fast – as soon as the car is stationary, Puck, Matt and Mike practically fling their bodies out of the car.

As soon as Matt leaves, Santana breaks into tears, and she can tell that this is uncommon by the shocked look on Brittany's face and the look of horror on Quinn's. Turning to look at Santana, she's taken aback by her friend's opinion. Santana normally looks so put together and beautiful but right now, she looks like hell.

Her eyes are rimmed with red and dark bags are peering out from underneath her make-up, which is sloppily applied at best. Her hair looks greasy and is thrown up into a messy ponytail and the jumper she's wearing is at least three times too big.

"I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or devastated over the break-up", Santana admits, her voice cracking slightly.

"What do you mean?" Britt says softly from her place on the other side of Rachel.

"Matt's been my boyfriend for years. We went to high school together, we work together and we live together. He's been a huge part of my life for years, Britt, so shouldn't I be devastated that we've broken up?"

"San, you look like you've had about an hour of sleep and judging by the red of your eyes, you've been crying for most of the night. Of course you're devastated", Brittany says quietly.

"I don't think I am", she responds. "I just feel so relieved that I'm single... it doesn't feel like a huge part of my life just ended. Shouldn't I be eating ice-cream and watching chick-flicks, while sobbing that Matt broke my heart?"

"Maybe you don't operate like that Santana. Maybe you'll be upset in private, and cry and watch chick-flicks by yourself. Maybe you'll take us out to bars and drink so that you can just forget about everything that happened", Rachel adds, her eyes worried.

"God, Matt's done everything I've ever asked of him and I can't even do our break-up right", she whispers, her eyes focused on the floor. "Britt, Quinn, can you please go get me some tissues and chocolate?"

The car is silent as Brittany and Quinn climb out but as soon as the doors slam shut behind them, Santana starts crying again.

"Santana, relax. It's going to be okay", she soothes, her hand awkwardly patting Santana's back.

"No it's not. Matt already tried to apologise to me this morning and he's going to keep trying. He loves me Rachel and I love him too but I don't know if I love him enough to get back together. He made everyone lie to me and keep this huge secret from me, and if he loved me, he wouldn't have done that. I just... I just don't know what to do here Rach, I have no clue what I'm supposed to do"

"Santana... I'm sure Brittany would be more helpful in this situation. She'll know exactly what to say"

"I can't even look at her right now without wanting to scream at her. She kept it a secret from me just like everyone else, and I don't know if I can forgive her for doing that"

"Santana, she's your best friend. She kept the truth from you because she knew it would hurt you. She was trying to protect you because she loves you and doesn't want to see you upset", she says softly, her hand resting on Santana's.

"She was supposed to be the only person who never hurt me", Santana whimpers, her body shaking, and suddenly everything clicks into place.

_Santana's eyes flicker with what looks like jealously._

_Watching you grieve is killing me Britt..._

_But really, it was San. She fixed me._

_I'm her girlfriend without any of the perks._

_Who did you think you'd end up with? **You.**_

"Santana, is there another reason why Brittany's lies are hurting you so much?"

"She's my best friend – that's reason enough"

"Do you love her?"

"Of course I love her Rachel. She's my best friend. Why the hell is this not making sense to you? It's not rocket science... Britt's my best friend and she lied to me. I'm allowed to be upset over it"

The car falls silent again as Santana does her best to avoid eye contact and just proves that her judgement was correct.

"Don't pretend that you have no idea what I'm talking about. Coy and naive does not suit you Santana Lopez", she growls, her eyes narrowing at the innocent smile on Santana's face.

"She's my best friend", Santana repeats, her eyes narrowing in response to the challenge.

"Cut the crap Santana"

"What the hell do you want me to say Rachel? That I'm in love with Brittany? That I want her to hold my hand instead of Mike's? That I get so insanely jealous whenever Mike and Brittany are together that it's hard to see straight? What the hell do you want from me Rachel?"

"I want you to admit that you are head over heels in love with your best friend which is why the fact that she lied to you hurts so much more than you and Matt breaking up"

"Just stop Rachel. I love Matt, and our break-up just hasn't sunk in yet, that's all"

"Santana, you can't honestly believe that"

"I've believed it for years, and I'm going to keep believing it. If Brittany and I were supposed to be together, we'd be together, but nothing has ever happened between us and that's how it's going to stay", she whispers, her eyes focused on the floor again.

"Is that what you want or what she wants?"

"Back the hell off Rachel, I'm done talking about this", she growls, her voice threatening.

She doesn't get a chance to respond as the car doors are flung open and everyone gets back into the car. Matt shoots an apologetic look at Santana which she ignores, and Mike tries (but fails) to ignore the glare Brittany is still sending in his direction. Santana refuses to look at Brittany and Brittany's face falls when she notices that her best friend won't make eye contact.

Puck looks about ready to kill someone so she offers to swap seats with him so that he's stuck between the fighting Brittany and only realizes how stupid that was when Quinn glares at her, her eyes shooting daggers.

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><p>Mike, Brittany and Santana fall asleep quickly, although she's sure that's more to do with the awkwardness of the car than being tired. Puck and Matt are silent and so is Quinn, although she's more than satisfied with glaring at her.<p>

"Quinn, can you please just stop that? We have to sit opposite each other until we get back so can we at least be civil?"

"Rachel, just shut up"

"Quinn..." Puck says warningly from his seat in front of them, and the glare instantly falls off of Quinn's face, although her eyes are still venomous. Eventually, Puck joins the others in the land of dreams, his loud snores filling the car, and Quinn's glare is instantly turned back on.

"Look, I'm sorry for whatever I did that upset you so much"

"Don't you dare apologize to me. Don't act like you are so innocent and perfect and don't pretend that you can do no wrong"

"Quinn, I did nothing to you"

"Maybe not directly but you being here is screwing everything up for me. I know I made a lot of mistakes but I came back to fix them, and now that you're here, it's not working"

"That isn't my fault. You hurt Puck and Santana a lot and they aren't immediately going to forgive you. Even if I wasn't here, they wouldn't immediately fall over themselves to be your friend again"

Quinn's silent for a moment, her hair falling over her eyes that have suddenly taken on a glassy look. "I just didn't think it would be this hard"

"They're upset and hurt and they're wary about trusting you, and to be honest, you aren't doing a very good job of relieving their fears. Instead of playing nice with Santana, you deliberately try and rile her up and instead of giving Puck time to forgive you and move past everything, you're trying to force everything on him at once"

"I'm just used to getting everything at once. I normally get everything as soon as I want it, and I want their forgiveness and friendship so much"

"Just give it time Quinn", she says softly.

"This doesn't make us friends", the blonde warns, her eyes narrowing although they aren't as cold as they were earlier. "I still don't like you"

"I'll grow on you", she promises, a small smile lighting up her face.

"Rachel?" Quinn says quietly after neither of them have spoken for a moment.

"Yes Quinn?"

"I really am sorry for what I did to you. I was just upset and angry and I took it out on you. I'm a lot like Puck and Santana in that way... I tend to take my feelings out on other people if they get too close at the wrong time, and you were – to use a cliché – in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it makes you feel better, I felt like crap as soon as you left, and Santana tried to tear me apart, and even Brittany looked like she was ready to kill me. They really care about you Rachel, so don't blow it like I did". Quinn falls silent after that and she doesn't dare to say anything else, but she can't help the little smile that plays at her lips at Quinn's words.

She looks round at the people sitting in the car – Matt, who doesn't take his eyes off the road once; Mike, whose eyelids are fluttering slightly as he sleeps; Quinn, who looks like an angel as the light plays off her hair; Puck, whose snores are soothing her fears; and Santana and Brittany, whose hands are linked on Puck's laps, despite being asleep and fighting.

A bubble of fear rises in her chest as she looks round at the people in the car and her fingers grip at the seat as she remembers how that other car journey the tears slowly build up in her eyes, she swears to herself that it will not end this way, not for this group of people, because she refuses to let it. She'll save these people, even if it kills her, because failing again is not an option.

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><p>She and Brittany are dropped off at NYU first, and they slowly walk back to the dorm together. Brittany's eyes are drooping, but she still has enough energy left for a conversation before she collapses onto her bed.<p>

"Thank you for being there for San today... I know she's struggling and I really want to help her but we aren't talking right now, so I'm just glad she has someone to help her"

"She loves you Britt... she won't stay mad for too long. She's just upset that you didn't tell her the truth".

"I know she'll forgive me, it just sucks that she's mad now. She's my soul-mate you know", Brittany says quietly; as she begins to lose the battle to stay awake.

"What do you mean Britt? Isn't Mike your soul mate?"

"Mike's my boyfriend silly...", she teases, a small smile playing at her lips. "Santana's much more than that"

"Do you love her in the same way you love Mike?"

"I love Santana in every way", Brittany replies simply.

"So you love her like you love Mike? You can see yourself marrying her and having kids with her and living with her and spending the rest of your life with her?" she questions, slightly confused at Brittany's logic.

"Of course I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her. She's the one person I can't live without. I could lose everyone else but I'd still be okay as long as San was by my side", Britt says quietly, her eyes getting heavier and heavier.

"Then why are you still with Mike?"

"Because Mike loves me and he needs me, and I love him too", she whispers. "But we both know we aren't forever"

"What? Why? I thought you and Mike were going to get married and live happily ever after?"

"Haven't you been listening Rachel? Santana's my forever", she repeats. "I love her in every way", she adds, before her eyes finally close and she falls asleep, her chest rising and falling gracefully with each breath.

_Santana's my forever._

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><p><strong>AN # 2: The game this time is a little different. I want to rename the story... in your review, leave a title suggestion. The one that I pick wins a prize.**


	16. A Turning Point

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews. They really make my day. There's a poll on my profile, so if you'd like to go and vote for what you'd like the title to be, that would be much appreciated. The winner of the title competition will be announced in the next chapter!**

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><p>Time passes, even when it seems impossible. People move on, relationships change and wounds heal. Change becomes the only constant in life. Nothing lasts forever. Time comes in and sweeps everything out from underneath you.<p>

Nothing is forever.

She knows that more than anyone. Her idea of forever was snatched from her within moments, and time has continued to pass, even though it feels like she's stuck in that night.

She tries now – tries to put a smile on her face, tries to hang out with Santana, Brittany and Quinn as if her past didn't happen. She acts like she wasn't the girl who lost everything in a rush of flames, and she pretends that it's because she doesn't want them to feel sympathy for her but really, it's because she doesn't want to dwell on it.

But after the weekend away, she's found it harder and harder to focus on the present. The smell of petrol haunts her, and nightmares plague her, and no matter how hard she focuses on other things, it doesn't help.

She feels like she's permanently stuck in that night and it's slowly killing her.

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><p>She relies on her acting skills more and more these days so that no one will notice that anything's wrong. She wakes up and plasters a smile on her face before waking Brittany up so that the blonde won't notice that anything is different. She focuses on Santana every time they go to coffee together, making it impossible for the Latina to ask her any questions about how <em>she's <em>doing. She waves at Quinn each time she sees her, fighting the urge to beg her to share how she managed to move on.

She eats pizza with Mike and Matt and plays old video games whenever they ask her to, and she doesn't talk about personal issues with them. She makes it clear that the topic is out of bounds.

The only one not playing by the rules is Puck.

He's supposed to remain on the fringes of her life. They're supposed to be friendly when the whole group is together and they're supposed to have each other's backs in case of emergency, but that's it. They're supposed to be acquaintances at most, but he seems intent on shaking everything up.

He keeps trying to _test _their friendship. He asks her to ball-games or asks if she wants a tour of the city. He invites her out for coffee or to lunch, and she's running out of excuses for why she can't see him.

It's a Saturday when she finally caves. He asks if she wants to go out for lunch and she has to agree because Brittany is standing next to her, practically radiating joy.

That's how she finds herself sitting opposite Puck in a restaurant on Saturday afternoon, trying her best to avoid eye contact.

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><p>"We've been friends for a while now Rachel, right?" he asks as soon as he sits down, not even bothering with small talk.<p>

She just nods in response, fidgeting awkwardly as she tries to figure out a way to get out of this lunch without being painstakingly obvious. She doesn't hate Puck... he just seems to be able to read her better than anyone else and that terrifies her because she can't let anyone see through her mask.

They all think she's doing so well – Brittany's stopped hovering and Santana's a little more relaxed now – but truth be told, she's doing _horribly. _Last night, her dream involved marrying Finn and she watched their whole life unfold in front of her, only to have it snatched away when the alarm went off. Ever since that weekend away, _her _family have been present in every single waking moment, and she can't escape them.

"And friends tell each other things, right?" he continues, ignoring the fact that she clearly doesn't want to talk.

"I guess so", she says in response, her eyes still not looking at him. Her fingers pull at the table cloth, nervously unwinding a thread that's poking out a little. She doesn't like where this conversation is going.

"So why don't you tell me what the hell is going on in your head? You may think that you're a great actress Rachel, but I can see straight through you"

She's silent for a moment as his words sink in before anger rises in her chest. "Why do you think you're such an expert on me? We have nothing in common Puck, and I'm sick of you acting like you know me so well... you know nothing about me"

"I know more than you think", he reminds her, his eyes focusing on her as he waves away the waiter who keeps appearing to take their orders.

"Only because you researched me", she growls, her eyes narrowing in distaste as she remembers how he went behind her back and found out everything.

"I thought we'd moved past that Rachel. Fuck, you said you accepted my apology and that you'd like to be friends. How long are you going to hold that over my head?" he replies, his hands clenched as he tries to push away his anger.

"I have forgiven you, I just want you to realize that you know _nothing _about me", she responds, her eyes meeting his.

"I know that you try and hide how you're feeling, but that everything is shown thrown your eyes. I know that you pick the pepperoni off your pizza and eat it after you've finished because that's your favourite part. I know that you consider Santana to be your closest friend here because you always perk up when she's around, and I know that you hate letting Brittany down and that's the only reason why you're eating lunch with me today", he rambles, his smirk growing every time she flinches at his accuracy. "And I know that we could be great friends if you let us"

"We are friends", she reminds him, her voice triumphant as she thinks she's won.

"Not proper friends. You're friends with Britt, San, Matt, Mike... hell, you've even got something shaky going on with Quinn, but you refuse to hang out with me one-on-one"

She opens her mouth to respond but her ringtone cuts her off as her phone vibrates in her pocket. "I'm sorry, I have to take this", she says softly as she recognises Santana's ring tone. Santana knew she was out with Puck and she wouldn't interrupt unless it was really important.

**Santana [1.46pm]: I know you're busy but I just spoke to Matt. Would really appreciate it if you could meet me at the dorm room. **

**Santana [1.47pm]: Bring vodka. **

"I'm sorry... it's Santana. She really needs me" she says apologetically. She knows that he probably thinks she organised this so that she'd have a get-out clause but she can't bring herself to care. Santana's been there for her every single time she needs her and she's going to do the same for her.

"Rachel, if you're trying to get out of here, you can just admit it. I'm not gonna hold a grudge", he teases, his tone light but his eyes serious.

"I promise that I'm not just trying to get out of here. Santana spoke to Matt today and she really needs me right now" she explains, her eyes searching his face to see if he believes her. The relief that spreads across his face shows that he honestly does believe that Santana needs her, and for some unknown reason, she feels kind of glad.

"Raincheck then?" he asks. He sounds confident but she can see a flicker of uncertainty and she gets a sudden urge to reassure him.

"Sure, why not?" she teases. "Your company isn't _that _bad... in fact, Mike and I were planning on playing vintage video games tonight... do you want to join us?"

He's silent for a moment but she doesn't hold it against him. He's clearly surprised at her change of mood, and to be honest, she is too. She guesses it's her desire to help people that look a little lost resurfacing, and she remembers with a grimace the amount of times that got her into trouble during high school.

"Sure, why not?" he repeats. "It could be fun. I'll see you tonight then?" he questions and she nods in response before grabbing her bag and rushing out the door.

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><p>She has no idea where the nearest liquor store is so she stops off at the supermarket and buys twelve different containers of ice-cream, hoping that Santana likes at least one of them.<p>

She has no choice but to take a taxi home. She and Puck walked to the restaurant but her ice-cream detour means Santana's already been waiting for twenty minutes and she doesn't want to keep her waiting for another twenty as she walks home. Plus, she doesn't want the hundred dollars worth of ice-cream to melt during the walk home, because she's fairly sure Santana wouldn't be too thrilled with ice-cream mush.

God, she's probably already going to be annoyed because she didn't bring vodka.

She debates asking the taxi driver to turn around and find a liquor store but her mouth seems to be glued shut and her hands are trembling too much for her to gesture for him to pull over. Her phone goes off again, and she shakily reads the message, her hand clenching around the phone.

**Santana [2.20pm]: Where are you? I've found some booze under Britt's bed so don't bother stopping off for any. I've started drinking without you though, so you better hurry. **

**Santana [2.21pm]: Stop at a supermarket instead. I have a craving for ice-cream. **

Chuckling at her friend's predictable cravings, she slides her phone back into her pocket and anxiously looks for the NYU campus. It really shouldn't be taking this long for them to get there – god, it only takes twenty minutes to walk, so why is it taking so long to drive?

She closes her eyes and tries to drown out the sound of traffic. Her head's pounding and the ice-cream is making her legs cold. She knew she shouldn't have gone out today... if she had just stayed in bed, none of this would have happened.

A flicker of light flashes in front of her eyes, and she flinches a little. It's bright and hurting her eyes but at the same time, she can't get rid of it. She tries shaking her head but it just flickers on. The taxi hits a pothole and she jumps a little, and the light turns orange.

Her hands feel warm and her back starts to itch. She forces her eyes open but she can still feel the heat, and her ears are filled with screams.

_Why didn't you save us, Rachel? Why didn't you save us?_

Finn's voice fills her head, and it gets louder and louder as he's joined by Tina, then Kurt and finally Artie, all of them asking why she didn't save them.

_Why didn't you save us, Rachel? Why didn't you save us? Why did you get out? Why did we __**burn? **_

Her phone vibrates in her pocket again and again, as Santana's ringtone goes off. She's obviously calling to find out where she is, but she can't move her hands to pick it up. Everything feels so warm, and it keeps getting warmer.

When the car gets unbearably hot, the taxi pulls to a halt and the driver tells her that they've arrived. She shakily hands over the money and clambers out the car, her hands gripping the bag of ice-cream in an effort to cool them down.

She walks to the dorm room and Santana practically pounces on the bag as soon as she walks inside, her hands going straight for the cookies and cream ice-cream.

"I know you were busy but Britt's out with Mike and I really needed to talk to someone", Santana rambles as she searches for a spoon. Luckily, Brittany keeps a packet of plastic spoons in her bedside table in case of emergencies, and Santana quickly starts spooning ice-cream into her mouth.

"It's fine Santana... what happened?"

"Matt called me this morning and asked if we could talk. Naturally, I said yes, because it's been almost a month since our break-up and we've just been avoiding each other instead of actually dealing with the issue. I mean, it's been awkward as hell sharing the same apartment as him... most nights, he crashes in his office or I sleep here, so I thought it'd be good for us to finally resolve things"

"And how did that go?"

"Well, he asked to get back together, and I had to tell him that I thought it was best if we stayed broken up because we had clearly outgrown the relationship"

"What did he say to that?"

"He protested at first, but when I said that I was more relieved than upset, he admitted that he felt similar. He said that he still loved me, but ever since his one night stand, he'd been so caught up in trying to keep it a secret that he hadn't put as much effort into our relationship, and I admitted that it felt like I'd been drifting away for a while. We're going to try and be friends though", she adds hopefully.

She continues on her tangent, talking about how she's sure it will be difficult at first but that she's sure they'll be able to get past it because they were friends first, and all their friends are still friends, but she's no longer listening.

Her back still itches from the heat and she can still see that flicker of light flashing in front of her every time she closes her eyes. She can still remember the sound of their voices in her head, and heart is pounding loudly in her chest – she's honestly surprised that Santana can't hear it.

Their words keep flying around her mind and no matter how hard she tries to ignore them; they are still there – still flying around, still begging her to notice them.

_Why didn't you save us, Rachel? Why didn't you save us? Why did you get out? Why did we __**burn? **_

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><p><strong>AN #2: This will be the last guessing game for a while so that I can focus extensively on this story, as well as the one-shot's that I owe people. So, the question is: what do you think is wrong with Rachel?**

**Also, if you don't mind, could you please tell me in your review if you are getting bored of this story, or if you think it should draw to a close soon? It would be much appreciated, because while I love writing it, I don't want you guys to get bored and stop reading. Look forward to hearing from you!**


	17. Scars and Burns

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews. Pretty much all of them said that they were still enjoying the story; a couple of people said it was a little boring/lack lustre, but rest assured, the action is going to start now! With the exception of chapter 1/2 and parts of other chapters, it was really just setting the scene, establishing friendships etc. This point onwards is where everything interesting starts to come out to play. **

**I'm also on school holidays now, so the updates should be coming a little more frequently! And the next time you get an e-mail regarding this story and it's next chapter, it'll be under a different title, so don't freak out! The poll is still up if you want to vote for the title I choose... I won't be deciding for another couple of days!**

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><p>The dorm room is really too small for four girls, but it was Brittany's idea and Santana was quick to second it, mainly to make her best friend happy. Quinn just went along with the plan to continue with her efforts to get back on Santana's good side and she had no choice because it was, after all, her dorm room.<p>

Brittany seemed to think that the four of them sharing a room for the weekend would make them closer, and now that she and Santana were no longer fighting, Santana seemed to think it was a good idea too.

That's why she's spending her Saturday night stuck in the dorm room, eating pizza and listening to Brittany telling ghost stories.

"... and the girl was never seen again", Brittany finishes, her voice trembling as she tries to scare them all.

She bites back a smile because telling ghost stories is not Brittany's forte, and she can see Santana and Quinn doing the same. Her smile fades as she looks at Quinn because right behind the blonde is Finn.

He's wearing a suit – the exact same one he wore to prom – and he's holding her corsage in his hand. He looks amazing and she remembers telling him that the first time she saw him wearing that suit. He had been speechless when she walked down the stairs in a black dress, and she had never felt like more of a princess than that night.

She blinks and shakes her head, expecting him to disappear, just like he did that time when she was re-learning to walk. He doesn't disappear but his outfit changes and he's suddenly wearing jeans and a t-shirt. She _hates_ the shirt he's wearing, and he only ever wore it to tease her. It's ratty and old – the shirt he wore for his first ever Glee performance (they first time they ever sung a duet) – and he was wearing it on the night of the accident.

Her eyes fill with tears as he smiles at her softly, and she blinks again, trying to make him disappear. He can't be here... he's supposed to be gone. He's _dead_. He isn't supposed to be standing behind Quinn Fabray, looking at her like she's the most important thing in the world.

He's still there when she opens her eyes but he's bleeding, a large gash on his head causing blood to drip down his face. She lets out a tiny squeak as his face goes pale, and she bites at her lip to stop the tears from flowing as she sees him dying in front of her all over again.

"Rachel!"

Finn disappears and she's left staring at a spot in mid-air with Quinn staring at her curiously. "Are you okay Rachel? You zoned out on us for a moment there" Quinn teases but she can hear the concern in the blonde's voice.

"I'm fine, just tired" she responds, wondering if any of them can hear the lie in her voice. If they can, they don't comment on it.

"Yeah, I'm kind of tired too", Quinn agrees. "Do you mind if we go to bed early tonight Britt? I'll take us all out for breakfast tomorrow... I promise"

"That's fine! I'm really tired too", Brittany agrees. "Can we go somewhere that sells pancakes for breakfast?"

Quinn nods and Santana shoots a grateful look in the blonde's direction. It'll take a long time for the two of them to become friends again but Santana clearly knows that Quinn's trying and she's at least a little bit grateful for it.

The next hour turns the room into a disaster zone. Santana and Brittany are both trying to fit in Brittany's tiny bed while Quinn is grumpily setting up the spare mattress on the floor. When Santana and Brittany finally manage to both get in the bed, one tiny movement from Brittany sends Santana flying off the bed, and she lands with her elbow in the remains of one of the pizzas.

"Damn it!" she growls as she attempts to wipe off the tomato sauce and cheese. "Why is your bed so goddamn small, Britt?"

"You could share with me", Quinn offers teasingly, seizing her opportunity to wind-up Santana. "This mattress is a little bigger than Brittany's"

"Shut it Fabray"

"You can have my bed if you want it Santana", she offers. "I'll sleep on the floor next to Quinn"

She knows from experience that Santana gets horrendously grumpy if she doesn't get a good night's sleep, which is why they generally try to accommodate her needs. God, a normal Santana is grumpy enough – a sleep deprived Santana is practically the devil in disguise.

"You sure Rach?"

"Just take it before I change my mind". Santana doesn't need to be told twice – she quickly pulls off her jeans, her oversized shirt reaching mid-thigh, and crawls into the bed.

"G'night bitches", she says sleepily, and within seconds, she's asleep. Brittany soon follows her and both she and Quinn chuckle when they realize that even their _breathing_ is in sync.

"God, that's just sad", Quinn teases, even though they both know that Quinn wants what Brittany and Santana share more than anything else in the world.

"Good night Quinn", she replies, a small smile on her face as she climbs into the sleeping bag. The floor is hard and uncomfortable and her back aches already. At first, she thinks her discomfort is the reason she can't get to sleep. She tosses and turns trying to find a piece of carpet that doesn't irritate her back and eventually drifts off to sleep. Within an hour, she's awake again, and no matter what she does, she can't fall back to sleep. She tries counting sheep and listening to the sound of her friend's steady breathing, but her eyes refuse to shut.

"Stop fidgeting", Quinn says grumpily after about ten minutes. "You're driving me insane"

"Sorry Quinn... just having trouble sleeping, that's all"

"Get in", she grumbles, her eyes still firmly closed. "You're tiny so you won't take up much room, and I'm about five seconds away from snapping and killing you, so really, this is the only alternative"

She obeys and slides in next to Quinn but her back still aches and her eyes still remain open.

"Why aren't you sleeping Rachel?" Quinn asks after a few more moments, and she slowly opens her eyes to unleash the mother of all death glares.

"I have no idea Quinn. My sleeping pattern has been all over the place recently and I guess it's decided that I won't be sleeping at all tonight", she jokes.

"Well, I can't sleep with you twitching like that", she moans as she throws her hand dramatically over her eyes.

"I'll just get back into my sleeping bag then"

"Don't be like that Rachel... that's not what I meant. We could play a game until you feel tired if you want? We don't really know each other all that well... it could be kind of fun", Quinn offers as she slowly removes her hand from her eyes and stares at her. "What do you think?"

"Sounds like fun Quinn", she whispers, still fully aware of the fact that Santana and Brittany are still sleeping, and slightly terrified of waking Santana up who is the lightest sleeper she's ever met.

They play 'Would You Rather?' for a while, and she finds herself chuckily quietly at the blonde. Quinn's witty and sarcastic, and even though she doesn't realize it, really quite funny. She's just getting into the routine of asking Quinn a question and then listening attentively for the answer when Quinn's eyes slowly shut and she's the only one awake again. Quinn's soft snores fill the room, and she has to bite back laughter because she's sure that Quinn wouldn't appreciate being laughed at after she's done her best to be accommodating tonight.

_Why did you live? Why do you get to grow up and get married and have children? What makes you **special? **_

It's Kurt's voice in her head this time and she reaches for Quinn's hand and squeezes softly. Quinn merely mumbles in her sleep and she silently hopes that Quinn will wake up so that she can ignore the voice in her mind.

Her eyes finally drift shut but Kurt's voice is still there. He's singing along to the radio and he's doing some weird dance move that's so Kurt. His seatbelt is drawn tightly across his chest, and her heart aches at the sight of her friend. She's missed him so much.

She's sitting in the passenger seat of the car but there's no one else there. The car is driving itself and there's no one in the back but Kurt, whose sitting proudly in the middle. She smiles at her friend as he laughs at himself, but her smile fades as the car spins out of control.

Kurt's screaming, and _oh god, this cannot be happening again._ She tears her seatbelt off and throws herself into the backseat to push Kurt out of the way but by the time she's there, there's blood everywhere and Kurt's pale and he's not breathing, and _oh god, please, not again, she can't survive this again._

Her eyes start to fill with tears and suddenly, his eyes open and he's staring straight at her. _You can't save us Rachel. You can't save us, just like you can't save **them.** They're going to die and it's going to be your fault; just like it's your fault that we're dead. _

She wakes up sweating. Her hands are clammy and Quinn jolts awake next to her. "Are you okay, Rachel? You look kind of freaked out"

"It was just a nightmare", she reassures the blonde. "I probably shouldn't have watched that horror movie with Mike and Matt yesterday"

"Oh, I know all about that", she says softly, laughter falling from her lips. "Mike, Puck and Matt used to challenge each other to find the scariest movie of all time, and then they'd make me, Britt and San watch it so that they could comfort us", Quinn explains. "God, I used to hate Puck because he always went for gory movies instead of suspenseful ones because he knew I hated gore"

"I know the feeling. Finn always used to bring round scary movies on movie nights when he knew Kurt and I loved musicals and that Tina was turned into a shaking mess whenever anything remotely scary happened", she tells Quinn.

Quinn doesn't say anything in response, but looks at her in shock. "You're talking to _me_ about Finn?" she asks, her voice quivering.

"Oh god Quinn, I'm so sorry if I've overstepped my boundaries. I should have known you wouldn't want to talk to me about boyfriends and friends"

"Rachel, that's not what I meant. I'm just surprised that you were talking to me of all people when I know for a fact that you haven't told any of the others any specific details about your past"

"It just felt kind of natural to be talking to you about it. We were talking about boyfriends and friends and I just felt like I _wanted_ to share it with you"

Quinn squeezes her hand softly as she drifts off to sleep again and her heart starts beating rapidly as Quinn's snores start to fill the room again.

_We loved you Rachel. We never did anything to hurt you, yet you let us **die. **_

"I tried to save you... I really, really tried"

_You didn't try hard enough. You left us in that car. You **wanted** us to die. _

"I didn't, I promise. I tried to make the paramedics save you. You have to believe me".

_We were your friends. All we ever did was love you. What did we do to deserve this?_

The room starts to spin and she feels dizzy. She can see their faces in front of her and they're all glaring, all wanting to know why she left them in the car. That's when everything goes black.

* * *

><p>She wakes up the next morning to Brittany and Quinn bustling around the room while Santana is doing her best to hide under the covers with little success.<p>

"Rach, you're up! You better hurry because Quinn's taking us out for pancakes soon!" Brittany squeals.

"The pancakes better be accompanied by coffee Fabray", Santana growls as she climbs out of bed, "otherwise there will be hell to pay"

Quinn just smiles in return, accustomed to Santana's attitude in the morning, and Brittany continues throwing clothes around the room in her attempts to find the shirt she's looking for.

Santana throws her hair into a messy ponytail and pulls off her sleeping shirt before searching through the clothes on the floor to find something to wear. She's _gorgeous. _

Quinn's changing into a pair of jeans on the other side of the room and she somehow manages to wriggle into a pair of skinny jeans without looking like an idiot. She's _perfect._

Brittany's standing in her bra and underwear as she grabs an oversized shirt and pulls it over her head, before pairing it with leggings. She has the most _amazing_ dancer's body, even though she hasn't danced for years.

She grabs a shirt from her drawers and walks as far away from the other girls as possible before pulling off her pyjama shirt. None of them look at her, too busy applying make-up or tugging their hair out of their faces and she's insanely grateful. She used to be proud of her body – it used to be the result of hours of dance lessons, and she received compliments for it frequently – but now she hates looking in the mirror.

Her back and upper thighs were _destroyed_ in the accident. Her back is a mess of burns and the skin is all puckered, and has a strange pink tinge to it. She hasn't let anyone see her back since the accident and sometimes at night, she can remember the way the flames licked her body. She can remember trying to crawl back to the car and watching it explode in front of her, and she can remember the way the flames jumped and danced, caressing her body.

They somehow missed her face and arms, something that the doctors said was a small miracle, but they burnt away at the flesh on her back, even going so far as to touch the edges of her stomach.

Her upper thighs are covered in scars which is why she only ever wears jeans or long pants. She hates the way they look – hates the scars left behind from all the stitches she had to have on her legs from the hundreds of pieces of glass that got embedded into her skin.

She _hates_ her body.

"Rachel, come on! Its pancake time", Brittany pouts from her spot at the door. "You look fine so get your butt in gear! I'm starving"

She follows Santana, Brittany and Quinn outside, trying to ignore the way her hands are trembling.

"Oh, and Mike, Matt and Puck are planning on meeting up with us", Brittany exclaims, her child-like excitement bringing a smile to everyone's face, although she knows she isn't the only one with reservations. This will be the first time Matt and Santana have been in the same room since their talk, and the first time Quinn and Puck have been together since the car journey home.

She's more than a little worried because Puck always seems able to see straight through her act and she just can't deal with this today, not on top of everything else.

_All we ever did was love you._


	18. Deal with the Devil

**A/N: As you can see, the story has a new title! It was a really close competition between Forgiving This Thing Called Life and Changing History but in the end, I made the final decision – Forgiving This Thing Called Life is more in line with the titles I choose for my other stories, so there we go! If the person who suggested this title could get in contact with me, that would be amazing!**

**And a few people had questions about Rachel and Puck and if they are still Jewish in this story. Sorry, I didn't have an authors note explaining it. Yes, they are both Jewish. However, one of Rachel's dad's _isn't _Jewish and therefore her family still celebrated Christmas so that she could experience both cultures. Puck only had a small plastic Christmas tree and that was mainly for when people came round to visit. Neither of them technically celebrate Christmas, so sorry if the Christmas tree thing caused some confusion. **

**Thanks for every single suggestion. **

**Oh, and there's a POV change in this chapter... we get to hear from Puck again. **

* * *

><p><strong>Rachel's POV:<strong>

Breakfast is better than she expected. Santana and Matt sit at opposite ends of the table and don't make eye contact, but they're both more than willing to engage in conversation and even ask each other basic questions about their week.

Quinn sits by her side and she feels more confident in their friendship than she ever has before. Clearly, Quinn's pleased that she confided in her, and she's glad that the blonde seems to see her as a friend rather than an enemy these days.

Puck sits opposite her, and even when she _knows_ he's not looking in her direction, she can still feel his eyes on her. She finds herself glancing in his direction at least four times before their meals even arrive, and the smirk she gets from Santana assures her than she's being painstakingly obvious.

She doesn't even know why she's staring. Their friendship is shaky at best, and although they've hung out a few times over the last couple of days, she knows that they still have a long way to go before she can officially count Puck as one of her close friends.

He doesn't seem to understand that though. He laughs and jokes with her as though they've been friends for years, and when they leave the restaurant, he throws an arm over her shoulders as well as Brittany's. She doesn't know what game he's playing at but she's determined to find out because this _isn't_ funny.

She pulls him to one side as the rest of the group head towards their favourite coffee shop, and his smirk fades a little as he looks at her. "You've got huge bags under your eyes Rachel... what's wrong?"

"Wow Puck, real smooth. Don't you know that you aren't supposed to tell a girl that she looks like crap?" she growls. She's normally able to coast through her days without any real emotions but he seems to make her feel everything on a grand level.

"Chill Rach, that's not what I said. No need to bite my head off", he teases, his eyes sparkling even though it clearly isn't funny. She wonders if he winds her up on purpose just to see her reaction or if he's this annoying around everyone.

"You've got to stop looking at me", she hisses, surprising even herself with her words. She was supposed to tell him to stop turning everything into such a big joke, but somehow, she finds herself berating him for _looking_ at her.

"Whatever do you mean?" he drawls, his eyebrows slanted in faux confusion as he paints an innocent smile across his face.

"You keep staring at me every time we're in the same room"

"Technically, you were the one staring today Rachel, so I'd be a little more careful before you start throwing accusations around wildly. I look at you just like I like at Santana or Brittany... we're friends, and friends are allowed to look at each other"

"I know that..." she begins, but he just cuts across her."Good, because for a second I was worried that Ohio had some freaking crazy traditions", he jokes, his eyes once again sparkling. She has no idea how this man goes from serious to joking in less than a minute. It must be some sort of world record.

She opens her mouth to retort but finds herself speechless. She has no idea whether she should be angry at him bringing up Ohio so casually or entertained by his joke. She settles on entertained as startled laughter pours from her lips and after a momentary pause, Puck joins in.

"So, if that isn't a tradition in Ohio, what the hell is?" he asks as he pulls her to his side and throws an arm over her shoulder as they begin to follow the rest of the group towards the coffee shop.

"I'm not sure if it's a tradition state-wide, but in Lima, all the families used to go to the Christmas tree lot together to pick out a tree. My fathers and I always used to compete to see who could find the biggest and it took me years of winning to realize that they were just going easy on me", she explains, her eyes lit up as she talks about her family. She doesn't know why she's talking to him of all people, but it feels kind of nice to be able to talk about Lima.

"That's pretty cool. Ever since I can remember, I've always lived in an apartment, so the only Christmas tree I remember our family having is one of those fake plastic ones you put on the table"

"I can't believe you've never had a real Christmas tree before!" she exclaims, her eyes widening in surprise. "Where did you put all the presents?"

"Well, Brittany had a Christmas tree and I always used to crash at hers on Christmas Eve 'cos Mum worked the night shifts, so after I while, I just started putting my presents under her tree", he tells her. "Brittany used to get really excited on Christmas Eve and refuse to go to bed, so Santana always ended up there anyway, because Brittany would only sleep if Santana was there to wake her up in the morning. She only ever trusted San to wake her up bright and early because she was scared the rest of us would forget. Christmas morning became the only time Satan ever crawled out of bed before noon"

"Their friendship really is inspiring", she says quietly. "I really wish I have something like that one day". Her mind is suddenly filled with images of her and Tina over the years, and her heart pounds quickly in her chest. She hates how every single amazing moment she shared with Tina has been replaced with the sheer panic she felt when she couldn't see her best friend on the night the car crashed.

It's as if Puck senses her mood because he abruptly stops his trip down memory lane and turns his joking tone back on. "God, you do not want a friendship like theirs!" he exclaims, his free hand gesturing wildly. "They fight like cats and dogs"

"But that's only because they love each other so much", she tells him, her tone defensive. She doesn't know why she's so invested in their friendship but she hates the fact that Puck is attempting to make it look less amazing.

"Relax Rach. I know they only fight because they care, it's just that when they fight, everyone knows to get the hell out of their way", he explains, his eyes concerned as he looks at her. She knows that her smile looks forced and that her eyes probably show everything that she's feeling, but she has no idea how to hide her emotions.

"Are you sure you're okay Rach? I've been hearing things from the others..." he says quietly, his eyes soft as he looks at her.

"I'm so sick of you guys all discussing me behind my back!" she spits, her eyes narrowing at him. She's so tired of Santana and Puck acting like they're experts in all things Rachel Berry when they really have no idea what's going on in her head and her heart."

The only reason we talk about you is because we're worried, Rachel. That's what family does", he responds, his knuckles white as he tries to explain himself without getting angry.

She's silent for a moment – that's twice in one conversation that he's rendered her speechless. "What did the others have to say?" she asks, her voice tiny as she focuses on the word _family_.

"Brittany said that you haven't been sleeping properly and that every time she wakes up in the night for a drink or to go to the bathroom, you're awake. Santana says that you keep blanking out in the middle of conversations, and Quinn seconds that – she said that sometimes you don't even remember what conversation you were having with them just a couple of minutes ago", he explains, his eyes roaming her face to see her reaction.

"I'm just tired Puck... NYU has been taking a lot out of me, and I'm just distracted", she responds, her face emotionless. "I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon", she adds, hoping that her eyes don't betray her lie.

"I know you aren't telling the truth Rach... your nostrils flare a little when you're lying and you try and avoid eye contact", he says softly. "But if you don't feel like telling me, I won't push", he finishes, and the look in his eyes makes her heart ache; makes her feel like she's searching for something she lost long ago. "Just know that I'll be here when you decide that you want to talk"

"Thank you", she whispers, not trusting herself to speak in case her voice cracks or she starts crying. She doesn't know why he seems so willing to accept her even though he doesn't even really know her, but she doesn't question it, because she hasn't had someone who believed in her no matter what for a long, long time now.

"You're welcome Rachel", he says after a moment's pause. "I'm gonna catch up with the others for coffee... you coming?"

"I think I'm going to go back to bed and try and get some more sleep, but if you could tell the others thanks for the lovely morning, it'd be much appreciated", she tells him and he just nods in return.

She turns to walk back to NYU, firmly sworn off of taxis after what happened when she left Puck after lunch, but she doesn't make it far before she's swept up into an embrace. She tries to scream but she's already being pulled out of the stranger's arms and when she looks around, Puck is standing protectively in front of her, his eyes narrowed at the man who grabbed her... a man with a very, very familiar face.

"Daddy?" she asks, her voice cracking slightly. "Is that really you?"

"Wait... Daddy?" Puck questions, his tone confused. "That's your dad?"

"One of my dad's", she tells him. "Why are you here?" she asks, her eyebrows furrowing as she tries to work out what's going on.

"Well, work needed someone to go to New York and I jumped at the opportunity so that I could come and see you, princess", he explains, his smile wide as he looks at his daughter. "Your dad wanted to come too but he had to stay at work, so I'm supposed to give you his love"

"How did you find me?"

"I called your phone and a girl called Brittany picked up", he explains. "When I introduced myself, she was only too happy to give me directions to the coffee shop, and she even told me that you should still be outside with someone called Puck... I assume that's you?" he asks, addressing Puck with a crinkle of confusion stretching across his forehead.

"Yes sir, that's me", Puck answers, extending his hand quickly to shake her fathers. "Sorry for the misunderstanding... I thought you were trying to hurt Rachel", he says shyly, and if she didn't know better, she'd say he was blushing.

"Quite understandable; thank you for looking after my daughter", he chuckles. "She really needs someone around to take care of her. I'm Leroy Berry, by the way"

"Pleasure to meet you sir"

"Just call me Leroy", he orders before turning to face his daughter. "Why haven't you been calling regularly Ray? And more importantly, why didn't you tell your father and I that you had a boyfriend?"

She splutters for a second, her cheeks flushing a bright red as Puck smirks victoriously. "This isn't my boyfriend... he's one of my roommates friends", she explains, her eyes focused on the ground, while Puck chuckles. "And while it's great to see you Daddy, I have to go back to the university for a couple of hours to finish and submit one of my assignments. Why don't you go with Puck and meet the rest of my friends?" she offers, her voice leaving no room for arguments.

Before her father or Puck has a chance to answer, she's walking away from them, her body disappearing into the sea of people walking the streets.

* * *

><p><strong>Puck's POV:<strong>

He watches Rachel walk away and bites back a sigh. It's just his luck to be left with Rachel's dad – hell, he and Rachel struggle to get along most of the time so how the hell is he supposed to hang with Rachel's dad?

He shifts uncomfortably as Mr. Berry sighs in frustration at his daughters disappearing act and silently curses Rachel for choosing now to go and finish her assignment.

"So, do you want to meet the rest of the gang?" he asks as he runs a hand awkwardly through his hair, hoping that the rest of his friends will be able to make conversation because he sucks at first impressions.

"Actually, I'd like to talk to whichever one of your friends knows Rachel best", Leroy orders, his voice stern. "My daughter hasn't called in over three months and she's been ignoring our phone calls too, so this trip is to check up on her"

"Well, I can get San or Britt for you... Britt's Rachel's roommate and San's probably her closest friend... they'll probably be able to help you best", he tells Leroy, his brain whirring as he tries to think of a reason why Rachel hasn't called home in three months. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and sends Santana a quick message, ordering her and Brittany to get outside. "They'll be here in a couple of minutes"

He stands awkwardly next to Rachel's dad while he mentally berates Santana and Brittany for taking their time. He's never been good with parents, and dads especially normally hate him. He can't think of anything to sigh and when he finally results into shifting his weight from foot to foot and smiling a little to break the tension, Santana and Brittany finally make their appearance.

"What is it Puck?" Santana growls. "It better be goddamn important to drag me away from my morning coffee". Brittany smiles slightly at Santana's antics before turning to introduce herself to Rachel's dad.

"You must be Mr. Berry", she says cheerfully. "I'm Brittany, Rachel's roommate, and this is my best friend Santana and that's Puck", she rambles, her eyes lit up as she gestures at them all. "It's so great to meet you" she adds before wrapping her arms around Rachel's dad.

Mr. Berry looks a little surprised and hell, he can't blame him. It's not every day you meet someone like Brittany. Santana smirks a little as she pulls Brittany away and quickly shakes Mr. Berry's hand, before putting her business face on.

"What can we do for you Mr. Berry? I take it this isn't just a social visit..." she trails off, her eyebrows frowning in confusion as she tries to decipher his motive.

"You're right. I want to know why my daughter hasn't spoken to us in three months and you three aren't leaving until you tell me what the hell is going on", he demands, and _wow,_ the dude's kind of scary.

Brittany's eyes widen and she looks close to tears and both he and Santana aren't going to let that fly. No one yells at Brittany – damn, it's like kicking a puppy... you just don't do that.

"I don't know what the hell you are playing at but you better drop the attitude now because no one speaks to my friends like that", Santana hisses. "Now, if you're ready to be _polite_, tell us what you want from us"

If he's shocked, his face doesn't show it. In fact, he's not showing any emotion whatsoever. "Rachel is our only daughter and we're entitled to be worried about her. I take it she filled you in on what happened before she came here?"

He nods at Rachel's dad, and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Brittany and Santana doing the same. Santana has her pinkie finger wrapped around Brittany's, and both of the girls are a little calmer – Santana isn't ready to tear the guys throat out and Brittany isn't ready to burst into tears. They've always had that sort of effect on each other.

"Well, you can understand why we are so concerned. She hasn't answered our calls and hasn't called us herself, and all our letters have been returned to sender. At first, we thought she was just trying to get herself stabilized but after about a month of no contact, we started to get really concerned. Rachel isn't exactly emotionally stable and we had no clue what was happening..." Mr. Berry rambles, his hands gesturing as he tries to explain himself.

"You better not be asking what I think you're about to ask", Santana cuts in, her voice hard as steel. He has no clue what she's on about but she's always been the best at reading people, partly because she's training to be a lawyer and partly because she used to search out people's faults in high school to protect herself.

"What's he going to ask San?" Brittany says softly, her eyes confused.

"I think he's asking us to spy on his daughter for him", Santana growls, and even though he's standing a couple of metres away from her, he can still feel the anger flowing out of her body.

They're all silent for a moment. Brittany still looks confused but she's moved her hand so that she's gripping Santana's wrist just in case she decides to launch herself at Rachel's dad.

"Is that what you're asking?" he questions, his eyes looking at her father with distaste. Mr. Berry nods his head, and that's all it takes for Santana to explode.

"What kind of father does that? If she doesn't want to talk to you, she doesn't want to talk to you. That doesn't give you the right to fly out to New York and ask her friends to report back to you. If she wants to talk to you, she will talk to you... you don't get to force it, and you don't get to go behind her back to find out information about her life", she shrieks, drawing more than a few curious glances from passers-by.

"Santana..." Mr. Berry attempts to interrupt. "That's not what I'm trying to do"

"No voy a traicionarla. Yo no traicionar a los amigos. Yo no traicionar a la _familia_", she spits in Spanish, her eyes narrow and her hands curled into fists. Family has always been a touchy subject for her, and for her to hiss in Spanish means that she's incredibly angry.

He takes a few steps towards Santana to help restrain her, but Brittany's already on it, her fingers stroking Santana's hair as she whispers soothing words into her best friends ear. It only takes a couple of minutes before Santana isn't visibly shaking anymore, and Brittany hastily says her goodbyes.

"Goodbye Mr. Berry", Brittany says softly with a small wave as she drags Santana back in the direction of the coffee shop. "It was a pleasure to meet you". Her eyes are full of confusion and disgust, and god, it takes a lot for Brittany to be disgusted with someone. Mr. Berry just smiles in return, relief clear in his eyes, obviously grateful that Britt's taken Santana and dragged her the hell away.

The only downside is that he's left standing with Rachel's dad again and he has no clue what to say.

"You must think I'm an awful parent Puck", Leroy says softly, "and I can't blame you for that"

"I get it", he replies after a moment of silence. "You're trying to protect her. She's your daughter and she's been through a lot. I'd think worse of you if you didn't try".

"Is she okay?"

"It's hard to tell. Some days she's smiling and laughing and other days, it's like she's two steps away from completely shutting down", he says sadly.

"Do you think that you could keep an eye on her for us?" Leroy asks, his eyes hopeful.

"We're already doing that", he answers, "but if you promise not to tell Rachel that I had any involvement in it, I could text you updates on her from time to time"

"You'd do that?"

"Well, you're Rachel's family, and she needs all the support she can get", he responds. "Just program your number into my phone", he says quietly before handing over his cell, "and I'll text you whenever something important happens"

"Thank you Puck, she's very lucky to have someone like you in her life"

"Don't mention it", he says shortly. "I'll see you around", he adds before turning to walk into the coffee shop to join his sits quietly as Santana fills everyone else up to speed, unable to shake the feeling that he just made a deal with the devil.

* * *

><p><strong>AN #2: No voy a traicionarla – I will not betray her. **

**Yo ****no traicionar a los amigos – I do not betray friends.**

**Yo no traicionar a la familia – I do not betray the family.**


	19. Beer, Pizza and Santana's Opinion

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews. A couple of people mentioned the Christmas tree story and were asking if Puck and Rachel were still Jewish in this story... sorry I didn't explain it before but there is now an explanation in the last chapter's author note. Sorry guys!**

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><p>Her dad hangs around for a couple of weeks and although she loves her dad, he's driving her crazy. He's hovering at every corner of her life, trying to make friends with her friends and infiltrate every single aspect of her life.<p>

She knows that he's just concerned about her and she doesn't blame him for that. He saw her through the worst time in her life and even though she's trying to move past that, he still sees her as his baby girl who needs sheltering from the world.

That's the main reason she didn't call.

She came to New York to prove to herself that she was strong enough to survive, but there was a part of her that was doing it so that everyone would know that she _would _move past it.

She was afraid that if she called her dad's, the truth would come spilling out of her mouth. She was afraid that she'd run straight home to Lima – back into the comfort of her bed and the safety and familiarity of her home town.

So she didn't call, and didn't answer their phone calls, because she had to at least pretend that she was going to make it through this. She had to at least _pretend _because failing at this wasn't an option.

* * *

><p>Every time she feels like she's ready to snap and scream at her dad, Puck swoops in with take-away food and old movies to take her mind off of it. She doesn't know how he knows exactly what she needs and exactly when she needs it but after the third time he shows up with Chinese, she decides to stop questioning it.<p>

"My dad's leaving in three days", she says to him one night when he shows up at the dorm room with pizza and a six-pack of beer. He had walked in the door without knocking and Brittany had to bite back a smile before leaving to go out for dinner with Santana.

"I know", he mumbles around his mouthful of pizza.

"I don't know if I'm happy he's leaving or sad because I won't get to see him everyday", she says softly, her pizza sitting in front of her untouched and her beer bottle not yet opened.

"He's your dad, Rach. You can be happy and sad... there's no crime against it"

"I've spent barely anytime with him, and when I did see him, I was wishing that he would just board a plane and go back to Lima. I'm an awful daughter", she whispers, her eyes prickling with tears.

"You aren't an awful daughter", he assures her. "Your dad showed up out of the blue, and even though you love him, it kinda sucks having him around all the time. I know I'd be just the same if my mum showed up and just decided to hang around for a couple of weeks"

"But my dad did so much for me..."

"Most parents do a lot for their kids. Sure, your dad's did more than most, but that doesn't mean you have to always be happy to see them"

"I didn't even call..."

"My dad left when I was eight and my sister was three. He was an alcoholic and he beat my mum but when he left, so did all the money coming into the house. My mum... she worked two jobs just so that we could pay the rent and put food on the table but still... there was never enough money. I didn't go to university 'cos even with the partial scholarships, we didn't have enough money to foot the rest of the bill. Mum... she did the best that she could and I love her for trying so hard, but there are times when I don't answer the phone because I just know that I'll end up saying stupid crap that I'll regret the next day. Sometimes... sometimes it's okay to not answer the phone. Sometimes it's okay to not call"

"How do you always know exactly what to say?"

"It's a gift", he teases. "Now shut up and drink your beer and eat the pizza".

"Thank you Puck", she says softly and he just nods in response as he shovels more pizza into his mouth, ignoring the way Rachel bursts into laughter when she sees him stuffing his face.

"Eat", he grumbles through his mouth, smirking slightly when she smiles and takes a bite out of her pizza. The two of them sit in comfortable silence, laughing at jokes and eating pizza until Brittany bursts back into the dorm room, her hair flying around her face and her cheeks flushed.

"Oh... Puck. Your still here!" she exclaims, her eyebrows furrowing as she tries to figure out what's going on. "I thought you would have left by now!"

"I'm just going now", he explains as he pushes himself off the bed and grabs his jacket. "I'll see you later Rach, bye Britt", he calls as he walks out of their dorm room.

"I didn't mean to make him leave", Britt apologizes as she changes into a baggy sweatshirt and a pair of leggings. "I just didn't realize he was still going to be here"

"It's fine Britt. We were just eating pizza... no big deal"

"Okay good! It's time for girl talk then", she squeals as she climbs into the bed next to Rachel. "I want to tell you all about dinner with San"

She smiles as Brittany snuggles down next to her and she feels like maybe, in time, she could truly be happy.

* * *

><p>Her dad leaves the next day and she makes a stupid excuse to get out of taking him to the airport, just so that she doesn't have to take a taxi home by herself.<p>

She skips her morning class, mainly because she doesn't feel like she could sit there for the hour and a half lecture without her show face cracking, and heads to Santana's apartment. She's not sure if Santana's even going to be there but if she's not, she's sure someone else will be. She just needs to vent to someone, and she ignores the voice in her head telling her she needs to vent to _Puck_.

She opens the door quietly with the key that Santana gave her a couple of weeks ago, trying not to disturb anyone that may have still been sleeping, or at least dozing in their rooms, not needing to rush anywhere.

She hears voices coming from the living room, and she pauses when she realizes that it's Santana and _Quinn _and that in itself is strange enough. When she hears what they're talking about, she leans against the wall to listen. She knows that she shouldn't eavesdrop but she can't help it. After all, they're talking about her, and Puck, and she has a right to know what they think.

"Brittany called me this morning after Rachel left for her class... apparently Puck was there for hours last night, just hanging out with Rachel and eating pizza and drinking beer", Quinn says quietly. "How long has that been going on for?"

"They're nothing more than friends but the boy is crazy about her", Santana says softly, "and I'd hate to see her knock the floor out from under him. He doesn't deserve that"

"What I did really affected him, didn't it?" Quinn asks, her voice shaky.

"It took him a long time to even begin to recover. He loved you with every single piece of him and what you did broke his heart and forced him to rebuild those walls you had slowly been breaking down"

"I really am sorry", Quinn responds, and Rachel can tell from her spot in the hallway that Quinn's near tears.

"I know and that's why I'm telling you this. There's this light in his eyes when he's around Rachel, one that hasn't been there for a long time. He feels this urge to protect her and I think he'd do anything to make her happy but she doesn't notice. She's oblivious to it all – all the glances he throws her, the way he shifts his body every time she moves and even the way he relaxes when he's touching her. Hell, _he _doesn't even notice some of the stuff me and Britt notice. All I know is that it's gonna suck when Rachel catches on and crushes all his hopes and dreams. She's his dream girl Quinn – everything he ever wanted – and the fact that he can't have her simply makes him want her more and the fallout from this is going to be epic"

"How do you know it's going to end like that? Rachel may fall in love with him... Puck's pretty charming when he wants to be", Quinn says defensively.

"Rachel isn't ready for anything more than friendship. Deep down, he knows that but I still think he's hoping for more and there will be hell to pay when he finally realizes that he doesn't have a chance"

"Then why don't you save him now, before he gets in too deep?"

"Because he's one of my best friends and this is the happiest he's been in a long time. I don't want to be the one to destroy that, plus you know what they say about the messenger", Santana chuckles in an attempt to change the topic and both her and Quinn fall silent.

Her eyes prickle with tears as she picks up her bag and walks back towards the door, her outstretched hands helping guide her way down the corridor. She can hear Santana and Quinn talking again, this time about something they saw on television a few nights ago, but her head's spinning and she can't make out any words – it's just an undecipherable babble of words.

All she knows is that she needs to find Puck.

* * *

><p>She walks to the tattoo parlour, despite the fact that it takes forever, because she really needs to clear her head. Her heart is pounding in her chest and her leg muscles feel tensed and every single step she takes sends a sharp pain shooting through her body.<p>

"Rachel... what are you doing here? Did we have lunch plans or something?" he asks as soon as she walks in the door. He's sitting behind the counter flicking through a magazine of tattoo designs and her heart beat speeds up as she remembers Santana and Quinn's conversation.

"No, we didn't have plans but I was wondering if we could talk... just for a minute or two..."

"Yeah, no problems. I don't have another client for another hour or so... what's up, Rach?"

"Is there someone private we can talk?" she asks, her hands shaking as she sees his face fall. He's clearly concerned about her and that just makes her feel physically ill as she thinks about what she's about to do.

He stands up from his place behind the counter and gestures for her to follow him. He leads her into one of the tattoo booths and sits down on the client's table, leaving her standing awkwardly in front of him, unsure of whether she should sit next to him or sit opposite him or just remain standing.

"Rachel, sit down. You're freaking me the hell out", he orders, pointing to the chair opposite him and waiting until she sinks into the chair before speaking again. "Now, tell me what the hell is going on"

"We can't hang out anymore", she says softly, her eyes trained on the floor.

"What?"

"I said that we can't hang out anymore"

"Yeah, I heard... I'm just waiting for you to explain yourself because this makes no freaking sense", he grumbles, his eyes boring into her.

"It's come to my attention that you have more than friendly feelings towards me and I'm not in a place where I can be friends with someone who wants more than friendship from me", she explains, her eyes still avoiding his.

"Rachel, damn it, look at me", he growls, waiting for her to look up before continuing. "I know that you aren't ready for a relationship. I haven't pushed for anything. All I want is to be your friend, and eat pizza and drink beer while watching crappy movies. I don't want anything more than that"

"But you will... eventually... and I will never be ready for anything more than friendship"

"You think you're gonna die alone? You think you're never gonna be with someone again? If you think that, you aren't the person I thought you were. I get that what happened to you freaking sucked and I know that right now, you can't imagine being with anyone else. I get that, and I'm not asking for anything that you can't give. I want what you've given Santana and Brittany, and Mike and Matt, and hell; you've even given it to Quinn... I just want a chance, just like you gave all of them"

"I can't do that. I'm really sorry, but I can't be your friend when I know that you want something more from me. We will never be anything more than friends, and while you want something more, we can't even be that"

"Rachel..."

"I've got to go Puck", she says softly.

"Rachel..."

"Just don't. I can't do this right now", she calls over her shoulder as she practically sprints out of the tattoo parlour, leaving a very confused and dazed Puck behind her.

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><p><strong>AN #2: Sorry about the delay between updates. I know this chapter isn't the best – I've had a huge case of writers block and this is my attempt to push through it. **


	20. A Drunken Demand

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! It's time to hear from Puck again! Also, there's a poll on my profile page about which multi-chaptered story I should tackle next. There are two to choose from - the titles are in the poll and the summaries/details are on my page, so if you want to vote, knock yourself out!**

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><p>He stares after Rachel, still a little speechless. He's never been rejected before and it sits awkwardly, like a sinking feeling in his stomach. He doesn't know why he cares so much, especially because he and Rachel weren't anything special, but he can't get rid of that feeling.<p>

(He ignores the voice that tells him that he wanted to be something special).

The only girl he's ever wanted something from before was Quinn and that turned into a huge mess, and he was just hoping that this time, things would turn out better. Hell, he was happy just being Rachel's friend if that's what she needed.

He doesn't even know why he's so interested in a woman who doesn't want him back and has mood swings that could give him whiplash. He doesn't know why that's remotely appealing when he's normally attracted to girls who fall over themselves to be around him, or girls who literally define the word _attractive._

There's just something about Rachel that's different from all the girls he was with before and after Quinn, and the polar opposite of Quinn herself. There's something about the way she holds her head high no matter way, and the way her eyes literally show everything she's feeling.

There's just something magnetic about Rachel that draws him in.

So, he watches her storm off and does the mature, adult thing to do – he fakes sick, leaves work early and goes to get drunk.

* * *

><p>Somewhere during the course of the night, Matt and Mike end up joining him. He doesn't remember texting either of the guys but he doesn't complain. It's been a long time since they've hung out just the three of them and he'd almost forgotten how much fun he had with the two of them.<p>

Matt looks a little tired and kind of lost, and he remembers suddenly that Matt's single for the first time in years. They should be celebrating his freedom but Matt looks a little devastated and confused, and he realizes that Matt really, truly loved Santana.

Mike's practically bouncing off the walls like always, telling rambling stories about his dance classes and the people in them, as well as entertaining them with jokes he's heard over the last couple of weeks. It's kind of impossible to hate Mike – he's such a carefree, happy guy and just having him around makes everything seem a little less severe.

"...and then the teacher fainted!" Mike finishes his joke, erupting into laughter before taking another swig from his beer. "Now, I'm out of jokes so one of you better start talking about whatever the hell got you into such a mood"

He looks at Matt whose glaring into his glass of water, and realizes that Matt has no intention of talking or even drinking. He's joined them just to be able to mope around without Santana realizing that he was struggling with their break-up.

"So I saw Santana flirting with some guy today..." he says conversationally, ignoring the glare he gets from Mike. If Matt's going to refuse to talk, he's going to have to force him out of it. "She looked really hot, actually, and really interested in this guy"

"I wonder if we'll get to meet this guy anytime soon", Mike chimes in, finally cottoning onto what he's trying to achieve.

"We've only just broken up!" Matt yells, his nostrils flaring and his knuckles going white as he grips onto his glass so tightly it's a miracle it doesn't smash into hundreds of pieces. "She could at least show some respect to me and our relationship and _wait _before she moves on"

"Wow Matt, don't hold back. Get it all out there", he drawls, smirking slightly as he watches just how quickly his plan succeeded.

Matt glares at his glass of water once more before violently pushing it away and ordering a beer. "It's not like I want to get back together... really, it's not. Santana and I talked and we both decided that it was best if we just remained friends. I mean, I'm upset at the way our relationship ended and I wish we could have parted on better terms, but really, we were never going to last forever. It's just... I need some time to be able to recover from our relationship before I can move on and be happy again, and she seems to be doing it with no problem", he explains, his eyes sad as he takes a sip of his beer.

"I totally understand. You're in this place right now where you can't move back but you aren't ready to move forward, but Santana seems like she's already out of the recovery period", Mike interjects, his voice sympathetic. "You just need a little time – she was a huge part of your life and that's going to take some time to get over. I bet she hasn't _really _moved on Matt... She's probably just putting on a show so that no one takes pity on her"

"Did you guys leave your balls at home or something? Did you grow vaginas and not tell me? I thought I was out for drinks with the guys, not hanging out with two chicks", he growls, his head pounding as he listens to Mike and Matt rambling on about girls and break-ups.

Matt chuckles and Mike spins around and glares, although it's not very impressive... honestly, the guys about as scary as a baby kitten trying to crawl into your arms for a hug.

"Don't you start Puck... something's obviously got you in an awful mood, and I have a feeling that something is Rachel Berry. At least Matt has a reason to be pissed – he dated Santana for years... you and Rachel are just_ friends"_, Mike emphasises, curling his fingers into a fist and crashing it down on the bar to really hammer home his point.

"Yeah, well, we're not even friends anymore"

"What did you do Puck?" Matt says quietly, his eyes already narrowed, as Mike chokes on a mouthful of beer. "We love you man, but if you were a douche to Rachel again... well, you already know how it's going to play out"

He's silent for a moment, trying to ignore the glares that both Matt and Mike are shooting in his direction, as he remembers the time he spent in a motel room after pissing off Rachel, Brittany and Santana.

"I didn't do anything alright", he growls. "She showed up at the tattoo parlour, rambling about how she couldn't be friends with me anymore now that she knew I had feelings for her"

Matt and Mike both fall silent, Mike making a sympathetic face while Matt quickly downs the rest of his beer. "Girls suck, dude", he exclaims. "We'd be better off without them"

"That's not totally true! Brittany's awesome!" Mike chimes in, his eyes wide and his tone dripping with indignation.

"Then why are you with us then?" he asks, sharing a look with Matt.

"Because Brittany and I may be a couple but that doesn't mean we can't spend time apart!" Mike explains.

"If you're here, Santana is probably with Brittany..." Matt warns him, his eyes sad again.

"So? They're best friends! They're allowed to spend time together!"

"Santana's single now though..." Puck adds, waiting for Mike to suddenly connect the dots and freak the hell out but the guy's oblivious. "Dude, didn't you listen to all that stuff that Satan said in truth and truth? The stuff about believing Britt would never betray her and that she always thought she'd end up with Britt... don't you remember that?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Santana wants to be with Brittany", Matt yells, "and if you're here with us, Brittany is probably with Santana... and you know that Santana never stops until she gets what she wants"

Mike's face pales a little and he slams his beer bottle back onto the counter. "Brittany wouldn't cheat on me", he mutters, but they can both tell that he's a little shaken up.

"How about we go to NYU and see Britt? Would that make you feel better?" he asks.

"Puck, how much have you had to drink?" Matt asks, his tone concerned. "You don't want to make things worse", he warns.

"Enough to think this is a good idea", he retorts as he pushes himself off of his chair and grabs Mike's arm. "Come on Mikey, we're going to go and visit our girls".

"Puck, that's not a great idea. She's not _your _girl", Matt reminds, but he just flips him off. Matt's always the calm voice of reason and he's not in the mood for that tonight.

"Have fun Matt", Mike cuts in. "You can stay and drink... we'll be back as soon as we've visited Britt and Rachie"

"You two are smashed", Matt reminds them. "This isn't going to go down well", he adds but quickly caves when he sees the stubborn looks on their faces. "Fine, but I'm going with you. Someone has to make sure you don't fall into the road"

"Aww, we love you Matt", Mike teases, and Matt just groans as he follows the two of them out of the bar.

* * *

><p>They walk back to NYU because Matt hopes that it will sober them both up, but by the time he and Mike are hammering on the girl's door, he's still a little drunk.<p>

"Brittany", Mike declares as his girlfriend opens the door. "Wow... your pyjamas are really nice!" he trails off, completely forgetting what he was here for.

"Brittany", he chimes in. "I need to speak to Rachel immediately"

"Are you sure that's a good idea Puck? You seem a little drunk..." Brittany asks while she tries to drag Mike into the dorm room to stop him from knocking on the walls and disturbing everyone else.

"Everyone keeps asking me that and I don't understand why", he complains. "All I want to do is see Rachel. Is that too much to ask?"

Brittany doesn't answer, too busy forcing Mike to sit down in her desk chair and drink the glass of water she's provided him. Matt just sighs and pushing him through the door, following him through the door and collapsing on Brittany's bed.

"Rachel", he says quietly as he creeps towards her bed. "I don't wanna wake you up but we need to talk..."

"Puck, you woke me up about eight minutes ago when you and Michael started hammering on the door, begging us to open up", she grumbles from underneath her covers. "Couldn't this have just waited until morning?"

"No. You aren't allowed to talk this time. You got to talk last time, and I listened, so now I get to talk, and you get to listen, because this time around, things are going to go down different, so I'm going to talk and you are just going to listen without saying anything because it's my turn to talk", he rambles. He flips Matt off when he starts to chuckle and frowns at the smile that's on Rachel's face when she emerges from underneath the covers. "Don't smile; this is supposed to be serious".

She just nods, her smile fading as she looks at him.

"You don't get to tell me that we can't be friends. That's not a decision you get to make by yourself", he growls. "It's not fair. What are you going to do – cut all of us out of your life just so you don't have to be around me?"

"I didn't want you to get hurt..."

"I'm a big boy Rachel, I can handle myself"

"But Santana said..."

"Wait... this all happened because of something _Satan _said? Rach, the girl may have our best interests at heart, but she doesn't get to decide this for us. That's not her job"

"But..."

"No buts Rachel. Santana doesn't get to make you stop being friends with me"

"She didn't _make _me; I just thought I was protecting you", she says softly, her eyes sad.

He ignores the peals of laughter erupting from the other side of the room, despite the fact that Brittany's laughter is normally infectious. He can hear Matt snorting and Mike drunkenly singing some stupid song he loves, but right now, Rachel is more important. "You weren't protecting me... you just made me feel like crap... you made me feel like I wasn't good enough for you when everyone else was"

"I'm sorry", she whispers softly.

"So if you could just take back what you said earlier... wait, what?" he asks. "Did you just apologise?" he questions.

"I guess I didn't realize that it would actually hurt you", she says softly.

He bites his tongue so that he doesn't say anything rude in return. God, how could she be stupid enough to think that cutting him out of her life wouldn't hurt. "So we're friends again?" he clarifies, not even bothering to hide the stupid smile he can feel on his face.

She just nods, a slow smile spreading across her own face. "You know that I was going to come and see you in the morning anyway, right?" she asks. "Britt and I only went to bed about an hour ago because we were discussing how I should apologise"

He just stares at her shocked until a crash and Brittany's laughter disturbs him. He turns around to see Mike sitting on the floor, the desk chair lying on top of him and the contents of the desk scattered around him.

"My assignment", Rachel squeals as she throws herself out of bed and runs to the desk, frantically picking up pieces of paper while Matt and Brittany wipe away tears of laughter as Mike apologises constantly.

They have a lot to sort out, what with the changing dynamics of their little group, but right now, he's content with lying on Rachel's bed drunk and watching his friends.


	21. The End of an Era

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! The number of reviews has dropped over the last couple of chapters which has made me feel slightly less confident, so an extra-large thank you to the people who have continued to review!**

**Also, a new updated poll about my next writing project is now up and I'd really appreciate it if you could head on over to my profile and vote! The summaries are also on my profile.**

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><p>She gets a text from Santana halfway through her Thursday morning class, and although her phone vibrating scares her half to death, she can't pretend that she doesn't smile at Santana's predictability. Every single Thursday morning since they became friends, Santana has sent her a good morning text, bragging about sleeping in, and it's become one of the only good things about getting up early on a Thursday morning.<p>

**Santana [10.02am]: Morning Rach, guess who just woke up? Anyways, dinner tonight at the Chinese place around the corner. Be there for 7 or I'll kick your ass. If you don't show up, you won't get to see the guy I snared as my date ;)**

She smile grows a little more at Santana's cockiness as she discretely texts back, not that the Professor would notice anyway. Some guy a few rows in front of her is actually _snoring _and the Professor hasn't noticed yet, so there's no chance she'll be caught.

**Rachel [10.04am]: Morning to you too San. If you brag one more time, I won't bring you coffee and donuts on the way home from class, so start being nice. I'll be at dinner tonight... like I'd miss seeing this mystery guy! Do spill!**

**Santana [10.07am]: You better bring coffee and donuts or I won't tell you anything about the mystery man. Actually, scratch that. I'm not telling you anything full stop. A little mystery never killed anyone. **

**Rachel [10.09am]: Tell me who he is right now and I'll pick up croissants too...**

**Santana [10.12am]: You drive a hard bargain. He's a guy from the law firm – I don't really like him all that much but he asked me out and I didn't really want to turn him down... he's really tight with all the big bosses and I didn't feel like destroying my career, so he's coming to dinner. I figure you losers will scare him off anyway. Remember, coffee, donuts **_**and **_**croissants or I'll kill you. **

She slides her phone back into her pocket, still smiling, and picks up her pen. These morning lectures are so incredibly boring and she hates them but she knows if she allows herself to take even one of them off, she'll never come back.

Publishing, and the classes she takes for it, doesn't really interest her. It's not like she's overwhelmingly passionate about it, not like she used to be about acting and dancing and singing, and she can't definitely can't imagine spending the rest of her life editing books. The only real reason she even chose the course was so that she could escape into another world but she finds that the level of boredom she experiences in all her classes is making her remember everything more.

She's so tempted to drop out of university completely because it's so embarrassing for her to be there. Most of the people in her classes are years younger than her because they've come straight from high school... in fact, Brittany's the only person she's met who's the same age as her. She's used to being the brightest and the top of her class, but here, the top position will never be hers because she's too old for it.

The only thing keeping her in school is the routine of it. She likes having a timetable attached to the whiteboard, she likes doing homework and assignments and she likes the familiarity of it. Having a routine to follow makes her feel comfortable and she doesn't want to leave that behind.

She's pulled from her thoughts when the rest of the class starts to stand up and move out. She looks at her phone, surprised to see that it's already 10.30am and that she's free for the rest of the day.

Her phone is vibrating in her pocket and she already knows that it's Santana telling her to get a move on so she doesn't bother to check it. Instead, she walks outside, wincing a little at the sunlight, and walks straight into Puck.

"Whoa, easy there Rach", he teases. "There's no need to throw yourself at me"

She chooses to ignore the blush she can feel spreading across her cheeks and she gratefully realizes that he's chosen to do the same. She doesn't understand why such an innocent comment from him can make her blush so quickly, or why sometimes, when he touches her, her skin feels all tingly.

"Are you going to the dinner tonight?" she asks casually as she continues walking, biting back a smile at the way he falls in step with her so quickly.

"Like I'd miss it. I heard from Mike who heard from Brittany that Santana was bringing a date. It's gonna be hilarious", he chuckles, and she smiles at the smirk on his face. "Do you know who Satan's mystery guy is?"

"Someone from the law firm... at least that's what she told me. Is Matt going to be there tonight?" she questions, her smile fading as she thinks about how uncomfortable it must be for Matt to see Santana moving on when he has no intentions of doing the same thing, at least not yet.

"Actually, Matt's on a date tonight", Puck informs her, a hint of shock still clear in his tone even though this wasn't new information for him.

"Matt has a date?"

"Yeah, Mike told me this morning. Apparently, there's this temp worker who just started working in Matt's department and they really hit it off while waiting for the coffee machine, and Matt plucked up the courage to ask her out a couple of days ago. Maybe our boy's night out gave him that much needed push", Puck explains, looking more than a little proud of himself.

She doesn't bother to correct him, but she has a feeling that Matt's sudden burst of courage had more to do with Santana than it had to do with Puck. She remembers Santana talking to her about some temp worker she was thinking of transferring into Matt's department because she thought they'd make a cute couple.

She's silent for a moment as she puts the pieces together and she lets out a small gasp as she realizes that Santana is responsible for Matt's sudden interest in dating.

"What is it Rachel?"

"Nothing... I was just wondering what you were doing here. I thought you were working this morning?"

"Nah, swapped my shifts around so that I'm working tomorrow instead, and I figured that instead of just lying on the couch watching TV, I'd come and keep you company while you picked up enough supplies to feed the dragon", he explains, his eyes twinkling as he gets to the end of his sentence.

"The dragon?" she asks, despite the fact that she's fairly sure she already knows who he's talking about.

"Santana. She's exactly like a dragon. She refuses to leave her cave unless she has to and she basically hoards whatever you bring her just in case she runs out", he jokes, and before she has a chance to stop herself, she's laughing, and not just a small chuckle either, but a loud laugh that bounces off the walls.

He looks startled for a moment but he quickly joins in, and his laughter just spurs her on. It's deep and more of a rumble or a bark than an actual laugh but she likes it. He just watches her with amusement as she wipes the tears away from her eyes and takes a deep breath to steady herself.

"You better hope Santana never hears you comparing her to a dragon", she warns. "She'll eat you alive"

He at least has the courtesy to look threatened but it just reanimates her laughing fit. She finds herself leaning on him most of the way to the bakery, and surprisingly, it's a lot of fun.

She thought it would be more awkward to be around him after everything that's happened over the last couple of weeks, but it feels normal. In fact, it feels exactly like it did a couple of weeks ago, before their friendship was really put to the test, and it's almost as if they've spent these last couple of weeks hanging out all the time instead of only socializing in a larger group.

"This is nice", she says softly as he walks up to the counter to pay. She doesn't intend for him to hear it but he spins around and smiles at her, and her breath catches in her throat as she smiles back.

Really, being friends with him isn't the worst feeling in the world.

(In fact, it might be one of the best).

* * *

><p>She basically lounges around their apartment all day, reading magazines and listening to music. Brittany and Mike are out somewhere; Matt's in his bedroom prepping for his date and Puck disappeared into his room to do god knows what as soon as they got there, eager to escape from girl talk.<p>

She and Santana lay side by side on Santana's bed and it's sort of perfect. It's one of those days that she'll remember forever just because of its simplicity.

They eat chocolate and talk about work and classes and she laughs hysterically when Santana does some strange, made-up routine to a cheesy pop song. She's the judge and jury on the millions of outfits that Santana tries on because even though she isn't remotely interested in this guy, she has to at least pretend to make an effort.

Eventually, Santana's supply of energy seems to run out and she collapses exhausted on the bed. "Thanks for your help today Rach", she sighs. "Now let's just hope you guys act your normal crazy selves and scare this guy away", she groans as she stretches her arms over her head.

"I heard an interesting rumour about Matt today", she states as soon as Santana stops moaning. "Something about him going on a date...?"

"Really? Matt's going on a date?" Santana asks, sounding surprised. She's always been good at reading people though so she takes one look at Santana's cocky expression and immediately her suspicions are concerned – Santana set this up.

"I've never met anyone with a big enough heart to set their ex-boyfriend up on a date", she says conversationally, smiling as Santana's face falls into a scowl.

"So you know, huh?"

"Yep", she says, making sure to pop the p just to annoy Santana.

"You can't tell anyone"

"I wasn't planning on it. I just wanted to know why you would set Matt up with someone. I get that you two are friends but it just seems a little soon for you to be selecting his next girlfriend", she says softly, her voice low so that no one in the neighbouring rooms can overhear.

"I didn't do it because I have a big heart", Santana begins after a second of hesitation. "I'm pretty much the most selfish person in the world, so I only did it because I was getting something out of it"

"What could you possibly get from setting Matt up with a girl you thought would be perfect for him?" she questions incredulously, not believing Santana for even a second.

"It gets rid of the guilt", the Latina says softly, her eyes focused on the ceiling instead of on Rachel. "I've got a date with a guy from work tonight, and Matt can't get upset over it if he has a date too. Setting Matt up means that I feel like less of a bitch over everything that happened and I feel less guilty about having feelings for someone else so soon"

She doesn't say anything in return, not wanting to pressure Santana into sharing information she's not ready to give, but after a couple of minutes of silence, she can't contain herself anymore.

"Feelings for someone else? Someone other than your date to dinner tonight?" she asks in a sing-song tone. A shadow of a smile flickers over Santana's face and she's glad that her attempt to relieve the tension didn't backfire.

"Yeah, I guess you could say it's someone other than my date but they're still going to be at the dinner tonight", she answers.

For a second, panic fills her chest at the thought of Santana having feelings for a guy that would be at dinner tonight. The only guys invited were Mike and Puck, and there was no way Santana would _ever _develop feelings for Brittany's boyfriend, which only leaves Puck.

She doesn't know why the thought of Puck and Santana together scares her so much but she quickly swallows the feeling. Santana's obviously freaking out over it and she clearly doesn't need any judgement about it.

As Santana sits there in silence, she plays back Santana and Puck's interactions in her head, but something just seems off. She's never seen Santana staring at Puck, or flirting with him, or showing any interest in him whatsoever. In fact, Santana never shows any interest in anyone except...

"...Brittany", she whispers out loud, her voice almost cracking with relief.

"I'm that obvious, huh?" Santana says quietly and she almost bursts into tears when she looks at Santana and sees that she's already crying.

"San... what's wrong? There's nothing wrong with loving Brittany and none of us are going to judge you for it. I think most of our friends have been expecting the two of you to get together for a long time"

"She's got a boyfriend, Rachel, and they're happy together. I can't break the two of them up because I refuse to hurt her. She's my best friend and I swore to myself that I'd never, ever hurt her", Santana whispers, and she looks so broken, it physically hurts.

"She could love you back Santana. You'll never know unless you tell her how you feel"

"You know how I said that I wanted to stop feeling guilty for falling for someone else so quickly? Well, no matter what I do, I'm never going to stop feeling guilty for this", she sobs, her voice breaking.

"Santana, stop beating yourself up over this. Matt's moving on, and you have every right to move on too", she says firmly, her eyes welling with tears.

"I fell for Brittany a long, long time ago. I fell for Brittany before Matt and I broke up... hell, I think I fell for Brittany before Matt and I got _together_... no matter what I do, I'm never going to be able to make up for this"

She doesn't know what to say as Santana completely falls apart in front of her. She's had her suspicions about Brittany and Santana's friendship but she never expected this. She thought that maybe they had a few more than friendly feelings for each other but that they'd never act on them. She never expected to see Santana so broken from being head over heels in love with her best friend for _years. _

"San... why is this an issue tonight? Why have you finally decided to admit your feelings tonight of all nights?" she says quietly, her fingers stroking through Santana's hair.

"Because I needed to say goodbye to her"

"Wait... what?"

"This thing between Britt and I has been growing for years. We've constantly been on the edge of something blooming between us whether we were single or in committed relationships. She knows how I feel about her and that if she just said the word; we could be together in a heartbeat. She knows all that, but she's never said anything. She's constantly pushed those feelings away and left them on the sidelines because she was with Mike and it was easier, and now, I'm tired of waiting. I've been single for a while now, and even before that, I was just waiting for her to decide whether or not she wanted me, and now, I'm just _tired_. I'm tired of being the one that doesn't get to be happy; I'm tired of being constantly overlooked and I'm tired of never being good enough. I want to be able to move on, and find someone that I really like and bring them to meet my family. I want to be able to live without constantly holding myself back from people because I'm too busy looking for Brittany... I want to be Santana again"

"So, you're saying goodbye to Brittany?"

"Yes, I'm saying goodbye to Brittany", Santana echoes, her eyes filled with pain.

"But... she's your best friend, Santana"

"And she's slowly but surely breaking my heart into a million tiny pieces. I'm not saying that it will be easy. Brittany's been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and it's going to kill me to not be able to talk to her or hang out with her alone or sleep in the same bed as her or even hold her hand when I take her shopping or to the zoo, and I know it's going to destroy her, but I have to look out for me now"

"Santana..."

"She has you now, and Quinn, and Mike, and I know it's not the same because Britt and I are soul-mates, and she thought we were _forever _but it's going to have to do because I just can't do this anymore", she whispers softly.

The silence stretches on between them for a couple of minutes as Santana dries her eyes and attempts to rub away the mascara that's run down her cheeks.

"Are you going to tell her?" she asks quietly, her hand firmly grasping Santana's.

"I have to. I owe her that much", she replies, her voice tiny.

"Well... we better get you ready for this dinner", she says cheerfully as she forces herself to smile. "You have to look good, remember?"

Santana sniffs and smiles gratefully as she clambers off the bed and throws her arms around Rachel. "Thank you for understanding", Santana whispers in her ear.

She doesn't respond but presses a soft kiss to Santana's cheek before pushing her towards the bathroom for a shower.

* * *

><p>She sits in between Santana at dinner, and despite the fact that Santana's basically crushing her bones underneath the table, she doesn't pull her hand away.<p>

Brittany's sitting opposite Santana and her generally cheerful disposition quickly evaporated when she saw that Santana had a date. Mike's sitting next to Brittany, basically ignoring her as he and Puck watch something on his phone. Santana's date is sitting quietly next to San, not daring to say a word.

The silence stretches on awkwardly, the only sounds coming from Mike and Puck as they chuckle at whatever they're watching. She stretches her leg out underneath the table, kicking Puck as hard as she possibly can, relishing the wince and the small squeak it elicits from him.

Mike quickly puts his phone away and he and Puck join the silence. If Mike notices Brittany's demeanour, he doesn't say anything, and it's left up to her to start the conversation.

"So Luke… what do you do in the firm?" she asks, her voice loud enough to pierce the uncomfortable silence.

He sighs with relief and starts rambling about his job. She, Mike and Puck listen intently, nodding and chuckling in the right places as Luke entertains them with stories of trouble clients and tough situations he's been in.

She really tries to listen but when Brittany pushes away from the table in anger and storms towards the bathroom, she can't pretend to be interested anymore. When Santana curses and throws her serviette onto the table and walks after the blonde, she's sure that no one is paying attention. She'd even be willing to bet that Luke had no idea what he was talking about anymore.

She slowly stands up from the table and walks towards the bathrooms where Santana and Brittany are involved in what looks like a very heated discussion, complete with hand gestures and flustered expressions.

"Did you bring him just to upset me?" a visibly upset Brittany demands, her eyes narrow as she stares at her best friend.

"Believe it or not, I wasn't thinking about you at all when I accepted this date!" Santana growls, her hair falling out of its bun and framing her now pink face.

"Well, how come everyone else knew that you were bringing a date except me?" Brittany questions, her finger outstretched and centimetres away from prodding Santana in the chest. "I'm supposed to be your best friend"

"For once, I wanted to do something for me", Santana yells, but she doesn't sound angry... she sounds _devastated. _

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Brittany hisses, her face contorted in shock.

"It means I can't do this anymore", Santana whispers, her voice dropping as her face falls.

"Do what anymore?" Brittany asks, her face pale as she stares at her best friend. Her eyes look horrified as she contemplates what Santana means.

"I can't do this constant to-and-fro thing anymore. I can't stand the constant build up… we're always on the verge of becoming something more but you keep pulling back at the last minute and I can't keep waiting around hoping for something to happen between us. It's killing me Britt…"

"What's your solution then?" Brittany says softly, her hand falling back to her side as tears start to burn their way down her cheek. "What do you need me to do? You know I'll do anything San… you just have to tell me what to do"

"I can't tell you what to do, Britt. I've _never _told you what to do and I'm not going to start now. I just can't be your friend anymore", she replies. She pauses for a second, as if unsure whether to reach out and hug Brittany, but chooses to just smile softly at her best friend. "Thanks for everything Britt", she adds, her voice catching in her throat as she looks at the blonde.

Brittany opens her mouth to respond but Santana's already walking away from her.

"Look after Britt", she whispers to Rachel as she brushes past her. "She's going to need it"

"Santana…" she replies and attempts to place her hand on Santana's wrist, but the Latina merely pulls away and practically runs out of the restaurant, not even bothering to say goodbye to her date or anyone else sitting at the table.

She sighs softly as the door slams shut behind Santana and walks into the alcove, coming face to face with a sobbing Brittany.

"Britt…" she says softly as she wraps her arms around the tall blonde. "It's going to be okay"

Brittany doesn't say anything in response, merely crying in her arms, and her heart breaks as she sees just how devastated Brittany is. The blonde may not know it yet and she may not understand why she thinks Santana is going to be her forever, but it's clear she's madly in love with her best friend… she's just become a little lost along the way.

She can understand that.


	22. All I Have

**A/N: As you can see, the story has now gone back to the title "Repeating History". While I loved the other title, the number of reviews has decreased since the title change, so I decided to change it back to see if the title change is what caused the decreasing reviews. **

**Sorry for the delay in updates – I've been so, so busy!**

* * *

><p>She can hear them screaming in her mind as she lies in her bed, unable to move. It's the anniversary of the accident, and she can hear them screaming in her mind. She can hear the sound of a car spinning out of control and she can hear her friends panicking as they realize this isn't good, that they're in trouble.<p>

She can hear them screaming.

"Rachel..." Brittany whispers in her ear. "It's time to wake up", she adds as she gently shakes her. "We have to go and get breakfast... we promised the group that we'd go with them"

She murmurs something unintelligible and rolls over so that her back is facing the blonde and tugs the covers over her head.

_You let us burn... _Finn whispers as Brittany tries to pull her out of bed. _You saved yourself but left us to die_, Tina adds while Brittany pulls the covers away from her. _You snatched our futures away from us, _Artie chimes in and her nose starts to itch, a telltale sign that she's near tears. _We deserved so much better Rachel, _Kurt finishes, his voice cold and harsh.

"Brittany, please... just leave it"

"I can't", the blonde replies, her voice cracking. "What if Santana's there?"

"Brittany, you don't understand", she says softly as she pulls the covers away from her face to get a look at her roommate. "I can't do this today"

"Rachie, _please_", Brittany whispers, her bottom lip poking at as she blinks back tears. "I really need you"

She wishes she could just close her eyes and go to sleep forever, but that's not the way these things work. Brittany's pouting and tears are slipping out uncontrollably, and life seems to continually go on, even when she doesn't want it too.

Her legs tighten as she climbs out of bed and she feels exhausted, even though she's slept for at least 10 hours. Brittany smiles a radiant smile, her whole face lighting up but even that doesn't make her feel better. She just wants to get back into bed.

Brittany throws clothes in her direction and she pulls them on, her hands shaking slightly as she does. She plasters a smile on her face when Brittany looks over at her, but her eyes are prickling and her nose is still itchy and her entire body feels like it's about to collapse.

"Come on Rach, it's time to go", Brittany calls softly, and she forces herself to nod, despite the fact that she has no interest in attending this breakfast at all. "The cab is already outside"

"Do you mind if we walk Britt?"

"I'm really sorry Rach, but it's too far to walk... we'd be really late. We can walk home though!" Brittany offers, and again, she just nods. She's not in the mood to argue – not today.

* * *

><p>Brittany slides into the backseat first and she follows nervously, her heart beating rapidly and her breaths shallow. Brittany grabs her hand and thanks her for agreeing to come but she doesn't answer. Her lungs don't seem to be working properly – she's finding it hard to inhale.<p>

Puck's waiting for them as soon as the taxi arrives at the diner and he pulls her to the side as soon as he sees her face. Brittany just smiles sadly and walks inside, her hands shaking as she stresses over whether Santana will be there.

"What's going on? Your face is pale, you're shaking and you look like you can't breathe. Is there something we should be doing?" he asks, his voice leaving no room for argument while his eyes search her face for the answer.

She hesitates, unsure if she should tell him what's happening or if she should merely play it casual and blow off his concern. She decides to play it casual because he's looking at her with sympathy in his eyes and she's worked too hard to be known as more than that. She doesn't want all her hard work to go up in smoke. "I'm fine Puck... I just had a late night and an early morning", she lies as she forces out a fake chuckle.

He frowns but accepts her answer before ushering her into the diner. She sits at the opposite end of the table, ignoring the glare he sends her way, and ignoring the pleading looks Brittany keeps sending her, practically begging her to take the empty seat to her right.

The table is awash with conversation, especially considering the fact that Santana didn't show up, so Brittany's more than willing to laugh and joke and tell stories about the latest events in her classes. Mike laughs in all the right places and Matt smiles at every single one of Brittany's jokes, but Puck just ignores it all, just staring at her.

She pushes the food around her plate, her appetite draining away as she surveys her bacon and pancakes. She excuses herself from the table as soon as everyone else starts eating and her heart sinks when Puck follows her.

"You're an awful liar Rachel", he begins, his face expressionless as he stares at her.

"What makes you say that?" she says innocently but she's sure her eyes are giving her away. Her dad always used to say that her eyes were her most expressive quality.

"Don't play stupid", he whispers. "It doesn't suit you, and everyone at the table knows that something is going on with you"

"Thank you for the concern Puck but I'm absolutely fine", she insists, her eyes darkening as she glares at him. "So please, just _drop _it"

"Rachel..."

"I said _drop it"_, she hisses. "I've let this charade go on for long enough. We aren't friends Puck. You're just some guy who helped me through a little rough patch, and that's it. I'm civil to you because our friends are friends and that's it", she whispers, her heart pounding in her chest as the lies tumble from her lips. "I wish you would just get the hint and leave me the hell alone"

"Well... thanks for clearing that up for me", he says quietly, his eyes trained on the floor. "I'll get out of your hair"

"Puck..."

"Just leave it Rachel", he spits before turning on his heel and storming back to the table. Her eyes prickle with tears and her nose starts to itch, and she walks into the bathroom just as the tears start to pour.

Slamming the door behind her, she sinks to the floor, burying her head in her hands as the sobs rack her body. Everything she touches falls apart and she's just exhausted. She can't do this anymore.

"Rachel..." a voice says softly from above her and her head jolts upwards, startled. Finn's standing above her, smiling gently, as the tears continue to roll down her cheeks. "It's okay..."

"You can't be here... this isn't real. This is all in my head", she replies, her voice cracking as she stares at him.

"Rachel..."

"No. Don't Rachel me. You're dead", she screams, her eyes filling with tears. "You've been gone for years. You left me", she adds, her voice scratchy as she yells.

"Rachel..."

"You promised me forever. You said that you'd never leave me. You're a liar Finn Hudson", she yells as she pushes herself off the floor and flies at him, her hands outstretched. She claws at his skin, crying and whimpering as she tries to inflict as much damage as possible.

Her body aches as she tries to hurt him and all the fight drains from her body as she collapses into his arms. He envelopes her in a hug and she cries into his shirt.

"This can't be real", she whispers. "You died. The car exploded. There was a funeral. This can't be real, but I can see you. I can feel your skin against my hand and I can hear your heart beating in your chest. I can smell you. This can't be real but I can _smell _you Finn", she adds, her voice breaking.

He doesn't reply but tightens his arms around her and slowly sits down on the floor so that she's cradled in his arms.

"I'm sick, aren't I?" she asks softly after a moment or two of silence. "That's why you're here, right? There's something wrong with me..."

"It's going to be okay Rach. You can make it through this", he says quietly, his hand brushing her hair as he whispers in her ear. "You can get help and you can survive this. You're a survivor"

"Maybe I don't want to survive this. Maybe I want to go with you. I miss you so much Finn... it hurts so bad", she whimpers, her heart pounding as she grips onto his wrist tightly. "Please, take me with you"

"And make you leave all those people behind? It's not your time to go, Rachel. You've got so much more time left to do all those amazing things you always talked about", he explains, his eyes soft as he stares at her.

"Please, Finn, please. You can't leave me behind again"

"What about Mike, and Matt? Who's going to play vintage video games with them on a Wednesday night if you come with me? Who's going to make sure that Brittany and Santana pull it together and finally sort everything out? How would Puck ever get over it if you came with me and your last words to him were to leave you the hell alone?"

"I don't want to be the only one left", she announces to the empty room. She feels cold and empty as she looks around for Finn. The floor is pressing against her legs, sending shivers up her spine, and the warm arms have fallen away from her chest. She's alone. "Finn?" she calls, her voice cracking. "Finn?"

There's a noise from behind her and she spins around, tears still streaming down her face. Brittany's standing in the doorway, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open as she stares.

"We heard you yelling and screaming so I came to look for you", Brittany explains, her eyes still wide as she walks into the bathroom.

"The hand-dryer wouldn't work", she lies, her eyes quickly drying up as she looks at the blonde.

"Rachel, I think you need help", Brittany whispers softly as she crouches down in front of her. "We can help you"

_She's trying to take us away from you Rach. She doesn't want you to be happy_, Finn whispers. _She's trying to make you suffer because she's suffering right now. She wants to keep you all to herself, _Kurt adds. _She's trying to control you. _

"It'll be okay Rach. We're going to help you"

Before she knows what she's doing, she's scrambling backwards away from Brittany. The blonde doesn't get the hint though, choosing to move closer and closer. "It's going to be okay Rachel"

_She's trying to take us away..._ _she's trying to make you the only one left behind... _

Brittany inches closer again and softly reaches for her hand. She pulls away, and quickly slaps the blonde across the face, sending her reeling backwards.

"You can't take them away from me", she whispers. "They're all I have left"

She sees Brittany's panicked face and Puck, Mike and Matt running into the bathroom, but that's all she remembers before everything goes dark.


	23. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

After a lot of thinking, I've decided that the chapter 365 Days was a perfect end to the story. You guys all deserve to have the story completed and new readers should be able to read a completed story too so I've deleted the two chapters after 365 Days. I've also taken down 365 Days too so that I can edit it and make it more like the final chapter of the story. It'll be posted in just a few moments.

Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me through this journey. I really do appreciate it.

Thanks,

Beyond-the-twilight


	24. 365 Days

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story all the way to the end despite the frequent lapses between updates and the fact that they thought this story would never officially be completed. This chapter is dedicated to you guys and to Laura, who without knowing it encouraged me to finish the story. **

**Disclaimer: Glee still isn't mine.**

* * *

><p><strong>June (Puck):<strong>

He hears Rachel screaming and yelling in the bathroom but he does his best to block it out. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be around him and he's tired of fighting this battle with her.

_She's won. _

Brittany, Mike and Matt stop talking when they hear her yelling and Brittany's face pales. "Why is Rachel yelling?" she asks, her eyebrows furrowing as she tries to figure it out.

"Maybe you could go and check on her Puck..." Matt cajoles.

"It's a girl's bathroom Rutherford. I can't go and check on her. Send Brittany", he orders, his tone leaving no room for an argument. Brittany nods in agreement and stands up to walk towards the bathroom, sending Mike a small smile as she walks off.

Less than five minutes later, he hears Brittany yelling for help and before he can convince himself to stay in his seat, he's running towards the bathroom, his hands shaking. He can hear Matt and Mike trailing after him but he doesn't acknowledge them, too focused on getting to the bathroom.

He pushes open the door, stopping as he sees Brittany on the floor nursing her face and Rachel sitting opposite her, looking panicked and desperate.

"You can't take them away from me", she whispers. "They're all I have left"

Mike pushes past him and pulls Brittany into a hug. He gently pulls her hand away from her face, frowning as he sees the small red handprint on her cheek. He can tell by the wince on Brittany's face that it's throbbing furiously.

He moves slowly towards Rachel, his hands outstretched. Her eyes are closed, her hands relaxed and she doesn't look dangerous. He slowly picks her up and cradles her in his arms, noting that she's passed out, and he walks out of the toilets and through the restaurant, ignoring all the looks and glances he's receiving.

Matt comes jogging after him a moment later. "Mike's still in the bathroom with Britt. Apparently, Britt said that Rachel needed help but that everything was going to be okay and when she went to reach for her, Rachel went crazy and slapped her across the face", Matt explains, his tone disbelieving. "It just doesn't seem like something Rachel would do. She adores Brittany".

"She's not Rachel right now", he says softly as he looks down at the girl cradled in his arms. "Call an ambulance and then call Santana. She'll want to be here for this".

If Matt doesn't want to speak to Santana, he doesn't make it obvious. He quickly dials 911 and relays the problem before hanging up and dialling Santana's number. He doesn't listen to Matt's side of the conversation, still focusing on Rachel and his attempts to not jostle her too much. Within twenty minutes, Santana has arrived and although he doesn't quite understand how she could possibly beat the ambulance, he doesn't question it.

Brittany and Mike join them on the pavement a few moments after Santana arrives, the blonde gravitating towards Santana although neither of them exchanges a word. The siren cuts through the suffocating silence and the paramedics help him load Rachel into the back of the vehicle.

There's a brief squabble over who gets to ride along with her but Santana quickly settles it by climbing in and pulling him in after her. Brittany looks a little lost and heartbroken but Mike and Matt quickly pull her in the direction of the nearest taxi so that they can follow behind.

He doesn't think his heart should be beating so loud.

* * *

><p>The wait at the hospital is the longest thing he's ever experienced. After what feels like hours, Dr. Watson emerges and asks them all to follow him into his office.<p>

"Before you all start going crazy and throwing questions at me, I want you to know that Rachel's awake and that there has been no long lasting damage caused from the incident in the bathroom", the doctor announces as soon as they all sit down and he's never felt so relieved in his life. "The paramedics received a version of events from Santana and Puck and Rachel verified this when I spoke to her, as well as giving me her own account about what's been happening in her life recently".

No one says a word as they wait for the Doctor to explain what's happening although Brittany does sniffle a little and Santana looks like she's close to throwing up. "Now, I'm aware that none of you are Rachel's family but are any of you aware of Rachel experiencing a major life change?" he asks, his tone concerned.

"Well, she moved to New York recently if that's what you mean", Brittany says softly, her tone confused. "But I don't understand what that has to do with anything".

"I'm thinking more along the lines of the death of a close family member or friend. Maybe a previously diagnosed mental illness? It could even have something to do with drugs. Is your friend a drug user?"

Santana's eyes narrow as she stares at the doctor and Brittany looks disgusted, like she honestly can't believe someone would question Rachel like that.

"Listen up asshole", he hisses. "I know you're just doing your job but Rachel isn't a drug user. She doesn't even like to take paracetamol when she's got a headache. If you did your job properly, you'd know that Rachel lost her high school boyfriend, her best friend and two other friends in a car accident on the night of her graduation party", he finishes, his tone cold.

"How long ago was this?" Dr. Watson questions, his pen poised over his notepad.

"Four years ago. Four years ago... _today", _he whispers as he runs through the timeline in his head. "What's wrong with her?" he asks, a lump growing in his throat as he runs through possible ideas in his mind.

"I believe Rachel is suffering from what we refer to as a psychotic break", Dr. Watson explains, his hand scribbling furiously as he jots down notes. Santana's skin takes on a faint green tinge, Matt and Mike look shocked and horrified, Brittany looks confused and he feels like the floor has dropped out from underneath him. He has no idea what a psychotic break is and he's sure that Santana, Matt and Mike don't either but those words don't exactly sound warm and welcoming.

"I don't understand..." Brittany whispers. "How is Rachel broken?"

"A psychotic break is generally characterized by an inability to distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality. Patients frequently suffer from delusions or hallucinations which can potentially lead to violence, as it did tonight. Other patients experience major depressive episodes. What's happening right now is that Rachel is experiencing symptoms of psychosis and I believe that it's been brought on because of the depression Rachel is facing due to the events that happened four years ago".

"She's happy though. Rachel... she's _happy. _We're her family and she's happy. How can she be depressed?" Santana asks and her voice sounds broken. He's never heard Santana sound like this before over anything other than Brittany. Rachel has somehow worked her way into Santana's normally ice-cold heart and it doesn't look like she'll be working her way out of it anytime soon.

"This isn't because of anything you've done. This has been growing for a long time and it's only just coming to the surface now. We want to admit Rachel to the psychiatric facility we have on the premises so that we can monitor her and make sure she's receiving the necessary treatment", Dr. Watson explains, his tone somewhat fatherly as he tells them exactly what's going on.

"She's not crazy", Matt declares, his voice passionate as he defends his friend.

"Yeah, we're not going to let you admit her. She doesn't belong with crazy people", Mike adds, his tone fierce.

"She belongs with us", Santana concludes. "We'll take care of her. We look after our family".

The doctor doesn't say anything, choosing to jot down more notes on his pad instead of arguing with them. "She hit me", Brittany whispers softly, her eyes focused on the doctor rather than her friends. "I tried to help her and she slapped me across the face".

"She's _family_ Brittany. We stick by our family no matter what they do. That's what family is for", Santana hisses, her eyes narrowing as she glares at the blonde. "You know that... or at least, you used to".

"Don't turn this into something about us Santana", Brittany warns, turning her gaze on the Latina. "This is about Rachel. You weren't there. You didn't see what happened".

"She slapped you Brittany. That doesn't mean we should get her committed".

"We could hear her screaming from our table. She was screaming at Finn, yelling at him for leaving her, for breaking promises. She was yelling and screaming and crying and we could hear her from the next room. When I went in to help her, she was calling his name. She was so desperate that my heart broke just looking at her. She's seeing her dead boyfriend, San. That's why we need to have her committed... not because she slapped me but because she's seeing things that aren't there", Brittany rants, her voice getting quieter and quieter as she explains to Santana exactly what happened. Santana's eyes drop to the floor and he can tell that she's blinking back tears.

"Maybe... maybe she should be committed", Mike whispers regretfully as he grabs Brittany's hand and squeezes reassuringly. "We don't know how to fix her Santana. She needs people who know how to fix her".

"I can fix her", Santana says, her voice broken. "We _can _fix her. She's family and I don't turn my back on family. She's been nothing but kind to all of us and this is how we want to repay her? She's forgiven us time and time again for all the shit we pull and now, as soon as things get tough, we want to lock her away in a hospital? If we do this, I'll never be able to forgive myself and I'll _never _be able to forgive any of you".

The room falls silent for a moment until Matt clears his throat nervously. "Let's vote on it", he says quietly, his hand rubbing small circles on Santana's back. "Mike, what do you think?"

"She needs help. She needs something we can't give her. Not even you can fix this Santana. I'm sorry but she needs to be here", Mike says, his eyes begging Santana to understand why he's doing this. She just nods, her eyes burning into Mike as she takes note of his decision.

"What about you Matt?"

"I'm with you Santana. She should come home with us. We can bring her back here every day is necessary so that she can get help but she should be with people that love her", he states plainly, his tone firm despite the fact that his eyes are dazed and confused.

"I just want Rach to be fixed. I just want our Rachel back. She has to get better and if this is how it's going to happen then so be it. She's staying", Brittany tells the room. "I'm so sorry Santana. I know you love her but she needs this", Brittany adds, her voice quiet and desperate.

"Well Puck, it looks like you're the deciding vote", Santana states, completely ignoring Brittany's apology. "Matt and I want to take Rachel home; Mike and Brittany want her to stay here. What do you think?"

He's silent for a moment, weighing the options up in his mind. He's not keen on leaving Rachel alone in a hospital when she has no idea what's going on and he hates the fact that she might think that they're abandoning her when she needs it the most. Then he remembers the look on her face as she was backed up against the bathroom wall and the look she gets on her face sometimes when she thinks that no one is looking. He remembers the way she panics about getting into a car and the way she's afraid to get too close to people in case they leave her. He remembers all the times when she's seemed as if she's in another world, one far, far away and he remembers her screaming. He remembers feeling powerless and unable to help her and his decision is made.

"Rachel stays".

He tunes out the rest of the conversation, ignoring Santana's furious glare and the tears burning their way down her cheeks as she storms out of the room.

He's doing the right thing.

* * *

><p><strong>July (Rachel): <strong>

Living in a hospital ward is strange. She's been here for a month now and she's not the new kid on the block anymore. She still feels like she doesn't quite belong. Her doctors tell her that it'll be another couple of months before she's allowed to leave and she doesn't know how she feels about it.

On one hand, the hospital ward is safe. She doesn't know anyone here and she doesn't run the risk of being crushed if she loses anyone. She doesn't have to get in a car and she doesn't have to go to the classes that bore her and she no longer has to wear a mask. She can be herself because no one judges her.

On the other hand, she's lonely. She's in a single room and she finds herself missing Brittany's meaningless chatter and the way that someone always seemed to be dropping in to watch a movie or eat dinner. She misses vintage video game Wednesday, breakfast with Santana and gossiping with Brittany but most of all, she misses spending time with Puck. She misses the way his arm used to rest on her shoulders and his stupid jokes and the way he could always make her feel better, no matter how sad she was.

She's always prided herself on knowing exactly how she feels at all times and this feeling – this all consuming uncertainty – is crushing her soul.

Her life is a strict routine.

First of all, there's therapy. She's not a stranger to it. She had physical therapy after the accident and actual therapy sessions when her dad thought she needed help that they couldn't give her so she's used to the programs.

She just doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to be judged. She doesn't want to feel as if her problems are inferior. Therapy just isn't her thing but she doesn't have a choice. She has sessions twice a day. Group sessions are in the mornings and her individual sessions in the afternoon and her legs cramp when it's time for her sessions because she just doesn't want to go.

Group session isn't as bad. She gets to listen to some stories that are more than a little interesting and because there are ten of them in the session, she can usually sink under the radar when she really feels like not talking.

She can't escape in one-on-one therapy though.

In her first session, she's asked to recount her story and she knocks a vase off the desk before storming out. "You know my story", she hisses. "It's in the file that's open in front of you", she calls just before she slams the door shut behind her.

Her second session doesn't go much better. She's asked about the accident and although she doesn't break anything, she doesn't say anything else for the remainder of the session.

The third time she sees her doctor, she's asked about the incident in the bathroom. "You wouldn't understand", she says quietly. "No one will". After that, she clamps her mouth shut and refuses to make eye contact for the last fifty six minutes of her session.

The fourth time, she's asked about Finn. The fifth time, she is questioned about the voices. The sixth session is dedicated to her hallucinations. The seventh, she's asked about her relationship with her friends. The eight is all about her family. She ignores them all, refusing to talk.

The ninth session focuses on her violent outburst in the bathroom.

"Wait... violent outburst? What are you talking about?" she asks, her voice small as she looks at the therapist. "I've never been violent in my life".

"According to your file, you slapped a girl called Brittany across the face because she came too close to you. Can you tell me about that Rachel?" Lily says softly, her green eyes meeting hers across the desk.

"I don't remember what happened. Finn was there and then he wasn't and then everyone was running into the bathroom and it was dark, like someone had turned off the light", she says quietly, her eyes filling with tears. "What's wrong with me? Why did I hit Brittany? Is she okay? Finn said I was sick... oh god, what's wrong me?"

"You suffered from what we call a psychotic break. You've been suffering from symptoms of psychosis brought on by a severe depression that was never treated", Lily explains, her voice gentle as she explains what's happening.

"So I'm crazy? That's what Finn meant by saying that I was sick? I'm crazy..." she repeats, her voice breaking. "That's why I'm here. I've gone insane".

"Rachel, relax. You aren't crazy. I'm going to help you. I just need you to work with me here", Lily reassures her.

"So, I'm not crazy?"

"You are not crazy"

"I'm going to be okay?"

"You are going to be okay", Lily says passionately. "I'll make sure of it".

Therapy isn't all that bad after all. It may even be one of the best parts of her day.

* * *

><p>Then there are the phone calls from her dad's and they are, without a doubt, the worst part of being on the ward. They call every single day and demand to speak to her doctors before asking a million questions about what's going on.<p>

She knows they're just worried and concerned about their only daughter but she can't take it. She'd be able to cope if they were only concerned about her but there's this little hint of something hiding in their voices. It takes her a while to understand what it is but when she finally realizes, her heart sinks in her chest.

They're _disappointed. _

It's not obvious. No one but her would be able to notice it. They probably haven't even mentioned it to each other. It's one of those things that just slips under the radar without anyone noticing it.

Except her. She notices.

It's just a little flicker of disappointment, like they're wondering where they went wrong. As if they're wondering what they did to deserve a crazy daughter. As if they want to know why she couldn't have just recovered like a normal person.

She thinks that's the thing that hurts the most.

* * *

><p>Then there are the nightmares.<p>

They don't hurt. Not in the way that the phone calls hurt. They just leave little marks; marks that grow bigger and bigger until she's left with huge, ugly scars on her mind and on her heart.

During the day, she's fine. She sits in the corner and stares out of the window, worshipping the way the sun falls across her face and warms up her entire body. She's quite content to just sit and _breathe_, to not have to think about putting on a show to satisfy other people.

She rediscovers that she loves the sun and learns that she hates the moon. The moon brings the nightmares.

Not just any nightmares. She wishes they were run of the mill nightmares – like getting lost in a maze and being unable to find your way out or standing at the top of a cliff, terrified of falling. She wishes those were her nightmares.

Her nightmares are horrid and disconcerting and they always end up with her panting and struggling to break free. Her nightmares consist of flames and screaming and when she wakes, she can almost feel the fire caressing her skin.

In her nightmares, everyone dies. Everyone except her. She's constantly left on the road, forced to watch as the car explodes. Sometimes it's Finn and Tina and Kurt and Artie in the car and she bolts upright, pulled from the dream and she cries silently, unable to suppress the pain that she feels. It has to escape somehow.

On other nights, it's Puck, Santana, Brittany, Mike and Matt in the car and these nightmares stretch on and on and on. They scream for longer and longer, begging her to come and save them. She hears Brittany's cries and she can hear Santana trying to comfort Brittany in their last moments because the blonde's wellbeing is always placed above her own. She can see Mike and Matt slumped in the back seat, groaning and trying their best to unplug their seatbelts so that they can move out of the burning hunk of metal.

And there's Puck. She can see his face in clear detail; can see every inch of pain etched across his face. It's like a punch to the stomach and she wants nothing more than to crawl back and rescue him but that's not the point of the nightmare. She's just lies on the road, trapped, forced to watch them burn.

The worst nightmares don't take place on a road with a burning car. The worst nightmares take place when she's standing on the stage and all of her friends are sitting in the audience, their eyes boring into her. They open their mouths and horrible, soul destroying words pour out.

She listens to them berating her for leaving them. She hears them blaming her for their death. She listens to Kurt ripping into her personality, calling her overbearing and insufferable. Artie says that he only puts up with her because she's friends with Tina and Tina says that they're only friends because she's too nice to admit that she hates her. And Finn, her wonderful Finn, tells her that he was planning on breaking up with her in New York because he could do better.

She watches as Brittany blames her for the problems in her relationship with Santana. Cringes when Mike says that he hates her. Blinks back tears when Matt says that they talk about her behind her back. Ignores the sinking feeling in her chest when Santana says they're only friends because she pities her. Swallows back the bile rising in her throat when Puck says that he feels nothing for her; that he hates her more than the rest of them combined.

She knows they're just nightmares and when she's sitting in the window, the sun on her face, she can escape their words. But at night, when she's lying under the covers, tears rolling silently down her cheeks, the words rip into her skin. They tear and pull until she's wounded and begging for it to stop.

That's how July goes.

* * *

><p><strong>August (Santana):<strong>

She visits Rachel. She ignores Brittany. She speaks as little as possible to the rest of her friends. She wonders when this became her life.

Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and _freaking _repeat.

* * *

><p><strong>September (Brittany):<strong>

Her September is confusing.

Rachel's broken in a way that looms over her head and taunts her. She doesn't quite understand what's wrong with Rachel and she's not brave enough to ask. Santana used to explain everything to her but Santana isn't speaking to her right now and she doesn't want to ask Mike because he'll look at her with frustration lingering at the back of his eyes.

She sleeps in her single bed, curled around one of Rachel's shirts. She wonders how everything got so messed up. She and Rachel were friends one minute – sharing beds and swapping secrets – and then Rachel was slapping her across the face and being left in a hospital that seemed colourless.

She needs someone to connect all the dots for her but she doesn't know how to ask. Santana usually just _knows _and she doesn't know how to ask anymore. It's usually just given to her.

So she lives in her own little world.

She goes on dates with Mike but she doesn't find his jokes as funny anymore and his smile doesn't seem as pretty and her heart doesn't beat all that fast anymore. After their third awkward date, she starts cancelling their plans so that she can just stay in the dorm room and watch old movies and eat junk movies.

She doesn't talk to Santana because Santana isn't talking to her and it hurts in a way she can't quite explain. It hurts more than anything else she's ever felt apart from that one week where Santana ran away and that confuses her too. San's supposed to be her best friend but best friends aren't supposed to feel this much. Sometimes, she thinks she's about to have a heart attack from loving Santana so much.

She hides away all the photographs of Rachel so that she doesn't feel guilty about not visiting her roommate. She doesn't know what she'd say and she doesn't like hospitals all that much. Every time she thinks of Rachel, her eyes start to burn and she crawls back into bed to cry.

She learns that her classes suck now that she doesn't have anyone to talk to about them but she also learns that crying really helps.

She hates September with a passion.

* * *

><p><strong>October (Mike):<strong>

October is strange. Rachel's in the hospital. Brittany's distant. Santana isn't speaking to him. Puck seems like he's about to go over the edge at any given moment.

He'll start with the Rachel thing, then the Santana thing, followed by the Puck thing and end on the Brittany thing.

The Rachel problem is obvious: they had her committed to the psych ward. He doesn't know if that makes him a horrible, awful, backstabbing person or a concerned friend. The line between right and wrong is kind of blurred and he has a feeling that he's stepping right on it and the next move he makes will send him spiralling to one side.

He tries to visit her but the guilt keeps growing until it paralyses his body and he's just waiting outside, staring at the doors. He begs himself to move but he just can't take those last few steps. He tries to go with Brittany but she keeps cancelling their plans and Matt's always busy and Quinn seems busy all the time too and he's scared to ask Santana and he's sure that if he goes with Puck, his friend will end up in the emergency room after punching a wall because he's _that _close to flipping out.

So, he sits outside the doors and hopes that one day, he'll gather enough courage to walk through those doors because he really wants to be a concerned friend, not a horrible, awful, backstabbing person who had someone committed just to make his girlfriend happy.

* * *

><p>The Santana problem really shouldn't be a problem. He didn't think that having Santana ignoring him would be a serious problem. He always imagined that it would be kind of nice – relaxing and peaceful.<p>

It's not.

He thought Santana was joking about never forgiving him for having Rachel committed but it looks like she's deadly serious. She refuses to make eye contact with him when he's in the room and she speaks in monotone when it's absolutely necessary.

What's worse is that she's one of the people she's treating _well. _

She won't speak to Puck at all and makes no attempt to hide the fact that she's constantly glaring at him. She refuses to be in the same room as Brittany and her rocky friendship with Quinn is all but over. Strangely enough, Matt is the only one she's talking to and he knows that's only because Matt voted the same way as she did.

He knows he's not the only one finding it difficult. Britt looks devastated every time Santana walks away from her and he wishes there was some way to protect her. He's not stupid. He knows Santana and Brittany have _something_. He's not selfish either. He just figures that if Britt wants to be with Santana, she'll leave him and that'll be the end of that. He just assumed that because they're still together, Brittany's chosen him.

He realizes that this isn't the case. They may still be together but Brittany's heart belongs to Santana. He's not even sure if Britt knows it but everyone else does. He's probably the last person to cotton on.

That's why the whole Santana giving them the silent treatment thing really sucks. It bursts the bubble he's been living in for years.

* * *

><p>The Puck thing is kind of obvious.<p>

He's known Rachel for a year, just like the rest of them, and he's been a little in love with her for at least half of that time. Now she's living in a hospital and he's blaming himself because he wasn't there to stop it. He's blaming himself because he shouldn't know better and he's refusing to talk to anyone about it which means that he's close to exploding.

He wishes he could say something to make it better but he knows he can't. Rachel is the only person who could gix this and he knows for a fact that Puck hasn't visited once.

* * *

><p>The Brittany thing, on the other hand, is not obvious at all. She just doesn't want to see him. She doesn't want to see <em>anyone<em>. She spends most of her time in her dorm room alone and he has no idea how to get through to her.

October is usually _her _month and she's normally kind enough to share it with him (and Santana but that's a different story altogether). They work on their Halloween costumes together because he's gifted when it comes to sewing machines and she has no idea what to do and it's always a load of fun. She gets all excited and wants to try on her costume a million times and because of that, Halloween is his favourite holiday.

On the actual night, they go trick or treating with Matt and Santana and when Britt has enough candy, they head to a bar so the rest of them can get drunk while Brittany sorts it into piles and organises it properly.

This year, she ignores all his texts about Halloween and when he shows up with his sewing machine, she slowly closes the door in his face.

Sometimes, he just wants to lie in bed and wait until all of this has blown over. Instead, he makes his own Halloween costume, heads to a bar and gets completely drunk. The highlight of his night (of his month really) is when a cute redhead asks him for his phone number.

* * *

><p><strong>November (Matt):<strong>

November is the month when Rachel gets released. It's also the month where he asks Quinn out for the first time. It also becomes the first time he's ever been rejected.

But when she smiles at him and tells him to try again soon, it doesn't really feel like a rejection.

It feels like a promise.

* * *

><p><strong>December (Quinn): <strong>

She spends most of December getting ready for Christmas. She sets up mistletoe and a giant Christmas tree in the corner of the apartment and she goes absolutely crazy buying everyone presents, spending pretty much all of her first pay check on the gifts.

It's worth it though.

Rachel is still a little cautious around them, not that she can blame the brunette. Truthfully, she still feels a little uncomfortable around everyone too, mainly because they didn't think to call her when Rachel was breaking down. Santana and Brittany still aren't talking which is downright terrifying and it must be some kind of world record and on top of that, Santana's refusing to speak to anyone but Matt.

All she wants is for it to be their best Christmas ever but before she's even started, it looks like she's going to fail.

They all sleep in the apartment on Christmas Eve. Matt's arms are wrapped around her so that she doesn't fall off the couch and Brittany and Santana put aside their argument and sleep in one of the beds, their hands entwined as they drift off to sleep at the exact same moment, earlier than everyone else because Britt doesn't want to miss Santa Claus.

She watches as Rachel's face brightens up a little bit when Puck walks into the room dressed in a Santa costume (he always puts gifts out for Brittany on Santana's orders) and she can't help but wonder what's going on between the two of them. Rachel's been out of the hospital for about two months now and she and Puck seem just as close as ever which just doesn't make sense because she's still skittish around everyone else.

She makes a mental note to observe the two of them more often.

* * *

><p>On Christmas morning, she's woken up by Brittany bounding around in her pyjamas, desperate to open presents. She gently wakes up Matt and giggles at the grumpy look on Santana's face as she emerges from the bedroom, cursing about the early time.<p>

She watches as Puck softly kisses Rachel on the cheek under the mistletoe and she marvels at the way Rachel's skin flushes such a delicate pink. If she's perfectly honest, it's really kind of beautiful and it makes her curiosity swell even more.

She gets distracted as everyone opens their presents. Even Puck and Rachel get into it, despite the fact that they don't celebrate Christmas but it's mainly to make Brittany happy.

The highlight of her day is definitely when she opens up the present Matt bought her and finds a charm bracelet with all their initials on it and a little note placed on top. _Go out with me, Quinn_. She can feel her own face flush as she smiles at him and nods. His pleased laugh in response makes her face flush even more. All she wanted was for Matt to make a real attempt to ask her out instead of making her feel as if he was only asking because she was the only one available. He's more than met her challenge.

She finds herself smiling more and more as everyone but Rachel (who can't drink with the medication she's on) gets rowdier as they drink more and more.

It's the best Christmas she's had in a long time.

(When Matt kisses her softly as he says goodnight, she realizes that this might be the best Christmas she's _ever _had).

* * *

><p><strong>January (Rachel):<strong>

She doesn't know how she feels about being out of the hospital. She likes sleeping in her own bed and spending time with the people that care about her but she misses the appointments she has with Lily. She still has twice-weekly appointments but with a new therapist who isn't quite as passionate about her job.

It's like starting from square one and that feeling sits awkwardly in her chest.

"Why don't you tell me about the hallucinations, Rachel?" her new therapist, Paula, asks during their first session.

She doesn't like the way Paula refers to them as hallucinations. It doesn't do them justice. Hallucinations sounds like they were a cloud of smoke or a rapidly disappearing thing but that's not the truth. They were such a large part of her life and she _hates _hearing them referred to as hallucinations.

"Don't call them hallucinations", she reprimands, her eyes trained on the floor.

"That's what they were Rachel. You were suffering from symptoms of psychosis and you were having auditory and visual hallucinations. They weren't real".

"They were real to me", she whispers, her voice cracking as she defends them.

"Why don't you tell me about your friends, then?" Paula asks, instinctively knowing that she needs to take a step backwards and let this one slide.

"What do you want to know?"

"What did they say when you saw them?" Paula asks, her eyes filled with curiosity as she starts jotting down notes.

"Well, sometimes I couldn't see them. Sometimes they were just voices in my head, whispering things to me. They'd berate me for leaving them and whisper that it was my fault that they died. And when I did see them, they generally just stood there, staring at me until I could feel it in my chest. On the night I slapped Brittany, Finn told me that Britt was trying to take them away from me".

"So you slapped her?"

"I didn't realize what I was doing. I don't even remember slapping her. I just remember seeing the red hand print on her face as she cowered away from me. I don't know why I did it... I was just so scared", she whispers, her hands shaking as she remembers the scared look in Brittany's eyes.

"You thought she was a threat. It's understandable Rachel. You were scared and threatened and your body reacted appropriately to the situation".

It's not just the hallucinations they talk about. They talk about the accident and her relationship with her new friends (her new family). They talk about her dad's and why she thinks they're disappointed in her. They talk about her body issues; about the scars that she believes have ruined her.

She's never entirely comfortable in the leather chair, voicing her secrets to someone she doesn't know and isn't sure if she trusts but she knows it's what she has to do.

(As she walks out of the office one day, she says a quiet goodbye to her boyfriend and her friends. She can't hear them anymore and she definitely can't _see _them and she knows that that part of her life is gone. _They're gone_. She's getting used to how her heart feels when it breaks).

* * *

><p>If therapy is confusing, her medication is straight forward. It was a condition of being released from the hospital: she had to take her medications as required or she'd be brought straight back in.<p>

She has to see her GP and her therapist and occasionally has to go back to the hospital so that they can check she's still following all the instructions they gave her. She has to take antipsychotic drugs to block the dopamine in her brain to minimise her hallucinations as well as antidepressants and mood stabilisers to counteract her depression. Paula seems to think that if all goes well, she'll only be taking the medication for a year (unless, god forbid, she suffers a relapse).

She takes it because she wants to get better. She doesn't want to be the girl who sees her dead friends. She doesn't want to be the girl who hears voices. She doesn't want to be the girl who can't move on from her past and lets her future slide away from her because of it.

(She tries to pretend that she doesn't miss their voices; that she doesn't _need _them; that she can do this without them supporting her. The words were originally a lie but she slowly starts to believe them).

* * *

><p>If therapy is confusing and her medication is straight forward, she doesn't know how to define her relationship with Puck. He didn't visit her while she was committed. In fact, no one but Santana came to visit and although she was a little shocked at the lack of visits, Santana's recap about the vote in the doctor's office helps explain it.<p>

They're all guilty.

She wants to tell them she's thankful that they took care of her but none of them ask her how she's feeling. She wants to tell them that she's scared that they don't see her the same way anymore but she doesn't know how to bring it up.

Puck doesn't mention anything about the hospital but he seems more than happy to jump back into their friendship. They watch old movies and eat pizza on Monday nights and on Wednesday they go for coffee while he's on lunch and she's got a gap between classes (she dropped out of her publishing course and is starting over again, hoping to get her teaching degree). On Friday night, he plays X-box games while she catches up with her reading.

It's like nothing has changed between them but at the same time, everything has.

One Friday night, she looks up from her reading to find him completely ignoring the game, staring at her with furrowed eyebrows as if she's something he doesn't quite understand.

"I forgive you", she says softly. "For having me committed. I was mad at first but I know now that you were just doing what was best for me".

He doesn't say anything in return but his frown lessens as he turns back to his video game. She's sure that she can even see him smiling as he destroys a zombie that's heading towards him.

That's not the confusing part of their friendship though.

Before she was committed, she knew that he had feelings for her. He brought it up all the time and even when he didn't mention it, he wasn't particularly subtle about it and neither was the rest of the group. Now she's not too sure how he feels.

He opens the door for her and rests his arm on the back of her chair when they're sitting next to each other. He kisses her on the cheek under the mistletoe and tries his hardest to make her laugh but something feels different. His eyes don't seek her out the way they did before. She can't feel his eyes trailing over her body as she walks in front of him and the way he treats her is just off.

He acts like she's fragile. Like she's made of glass and that he'll shatter her if he looks at her the wrong way.

(She begins to miss the Puck she was friends with before she was committed).

* * *

><p><strong>February (Santana):<strong>

She and Rachel are closer than ever. She and Quinn are friends again. She doesn't want to hit Puck in the face every time he's in the same room as her. She and Matt are past that awkward break-up stage and even though she'd never admit it, she thinks he and Quinn are kind of perfect together. She's even getting along with Mike.

She's still not talking to Brittany.

She misses her best friend but she doesn't know how to fix them. She doesn't know how she can possibly apologise for ignoring her for months. She doesn't know if she _can _make up for it and she has no idea what would happen if they became friends again. She can't cope being just friends with Brittany and she can't cope with not being friends with Brittany so she's stuck.

She has no idea where she's supposed to go from here. All she wants to do is throw some huge romantic gesture for Valentine's Day so that she can woo her ex-best friend who probably isn't even remotely interested in her.

* * *

><p><strong>March (Mike):<strong>

He and Brittany break up on March 1st. He forgives her for the fact that she's basically treated him like crap for the last few months and he even forgave her for bailing on their Valentine's Day plans but when she tells him that she loves him but isn't in love with him anymore, he just feels relieved. He knew it was coming. He's known it was coming ever since Santana and Brittany stopped talking and yeah, he was selfish for holding on for so long but he's never been good at being alone. He understands now that being with someone that doesn't love you is so much worse than being alone.

"It's Santana, isn't it?" he asks when she tells him that she thinks they should break up.

"What do you mean?" she asks, her eyes widening in surprise and she bites at her bottom lip nervously.

"You said that you aren't in love with me anymore. That you love me but you aren't _in love _with me anymore. And I get it. You don't look at me the way you used to... but I've seen the way you look at Santana. The way you have to fight back tears when she doesn't look at you. The way you've stopped going out. How happy you were on Christmas when you thought that the two of you had made up... she's not just your best friend. You love her Britt".

"She's not even my best friend anymore, Mike", she says softly, not bothering to deny the fact that she's head over heels in love with the Latina. He just pulls her into his arms and holds her while she cries, wondering why he's not more heartbroken over the fact that he and Brittany just broke up. Instead, he's just sad for her – sad that she's so in love and she's slowly getting her heart crushed.

He leaves when she's finally stopped crying and as soon as he's outside, he knows that he needs to fix them. He pulls out his phone and texts Santana, shaking his head slightly when he realizes just how much things have changed recently.

**This has gone on long enough. Fix it Santana. She misses you and you miss her. Just **_**fix **_**it. **

His phone goes off within two minutes, the reply making his face fall.

**I don't know how to fix it. Not this time.**

It's the worst break-up he's ever had.

* * *

><p><strong>April (Brittany):<strong>

She and Mike broke up. She's head over heels in love with Santana. She's lost Santana forever. She thinks that just about sums it up but she wakes up on April Fool's Day and realizes that she can't do this anymore. She doesn't want to sit back and let her life pass her by any longer. She's going to go and get the girl she loves.

She runs all the way to Santana's apartment in her pyjamas, ignoring the weird looks that she's getting. She doesn't bother knocking, choosing to just burst into the apartment. Santana's in the kitchen wearing just an oversized shirt and her tiny, tiny sleeping shorts and she pauses for a second. The Latina is dancing along to whatever music her iPod is blasting and her heart aches because she's missed her best friend and she's never looked so damn beautiful.

She walks slowly over to her and gently pulls her earphones out. "It's me", she whispers, smiling slightly as Santana jumps, clearly startled. She backs away and waits for Santana to turn around and face her. "I've missed you", she says softly as she stares at her best friend and she watches as emotions flit over Santana's face – grief, adoration, regret, doubt, love – and she just _knows _that she's supposed to be with Santana. "But I've realized that we don't work as best friends".

She watches as Santana's eyes fill with tears and she realizes that Santana has been just as lonely as she has since Rachel got admitted. "I'm not going to lie and pretend that I'm not mad at you for ignoring me; for not trying to repair our friendship because I am mad. I'm furious Santana. I thought our friendship meant more to you than that. But I'm also not going to lie and pretend that I'm not madly in love with you", she explains. "And if you'll have me, I really want to be your girlfriend".

The word girlfriend barely falls from her lips before Santana's tugging her impossibly close and slanting her lips against hers. Her heart races and she can't believe she and Santana haven't been doing this for years. She gently places her hand on Santana's hip and tugs the Latina even closer until they're practically one person. She doesn't know where she ends and Santana begins and she likes it that way.

Eventually, Santana pulls away from her so that she can catch her breath. "I'm so sorry B. I've missed you so much but after the first month went by... I didn't know how to make it up to you. I didn't know that I could. I can't believe I almost threw us away", she whispers, her voice breaking.

"It's not just your fault San. I could have forced you to be my friend again but I just let you go. We're both to blame"

Santana looks like she's about to cry and she frowns slightly, not understanding why Santana would be crying when she's supposed to be happy. "Did I do something wrong?" she asks. "Do you not want to be my girlfriend?"

"You did nothing wrong, Britt and of course I want you to be my girlfriend. I've wanted you _forever_. I'm just so happy right now", Santana explains, a huge smile stretching across her (perfect) face. "I'm just worried that this is all a practical joke. It is Aprils Fools Day".

"Never", she says solemnly. "We're meant to be together Santana. I'd never joke about that".

April is her new favourite month.

* * *

><p><strong>May (Puck):<strong>

"Puck, we're going out for dinner on Friday. You and Rachel can take a raincheck on your weekly dinner thing and spend some time with the rest of us", Santana orders from her spot on the couch. Rachel giggles, her head lying in the Latina's lap as she flicks through the TV channels in an attempt to find something decent to watch.

His voice catches in his throat. He doesn't quite know how to explain that he's not going to be able to make it on Friday. He's not quite sure how he's supposed to tell his friends that he's got a date on Friday night.

It's not that he's ashamed of it (except that he really, really is). He's been single for years but he's always found female company if he needed it. For the last year and six months, ever since he started having feelings for Rachel, he hasn't had _any _company.

This date on Friday... that's all it's about. It's a glorified booty call and he doesn't want to explain that to them. It's not something he wants to advertise, especially considering the girl he's interested in is lying on the couch.

"I've got a date on Friday night", he says casually, his eyes avoiding Rachel's.

Santana's reaction doesn't disappoint. "Well, cancel it. This will be the first dinner everyone will be at since Britt and I have become a couple and that trumps a date with some stupid bimbo you met like, three days ago"

"Santana..."

"No buts Puck. We're going out for dinner on Friday night and you're going to be there or I'll make sure no girl goes out with you again", she threatens, her eyes narrowing in frustration.

He turns around to glare at her but his face falls when he looks at Rachel. She's staring in the opposite direction but her bottom lip is trembling and her eyes seem a little glassy and his heart beats a little louder in his chest.

"Let him go on his date Santana. He deserves it", she says quietly. "We shouldn't control his life", she adds as she forces a chuckle.

Santana's glare slowly falls off her face as she looks down at Rachel. "Go away Puck", she orders, her tone venomous. "If I see you in here again before I give you permission... let's just say that dating will be the least of your problems".

He doesn't argue as he walks out of the room, desperately trying to ignore the fact that Rachel's practically crying on the couch. He can't do _anything _right anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>June (Rachel):<strong>

She doesn't know why she cares. She's turned him down every time he even hinted at anything more than friendship and she doesn't know why it's suddenly different now. All she knows is that her skin feels electric every time he touches her and she can't help but blush whenever he smirks at her.

She tries to talk to Paula about it but her therapist just smiles knowingly and tells her to work it out for herself.

"I can't work it out! That's why I'm asking you", she whines, her hands tapping on the arm of the chair.

"It's obvious Rachel"

"It clearly isn't", she pouts, her bottom lip sticking out as she stares at Paula. "Just tell me"

"You like him"

"What?" she questions, her voice high pitched. "That's your clever observation?"

"What do you want me to say Rachel? You like Puck. That's why you feel that way when he touches you; that's why you can't stop blushing around him. You like him".

"No. That can't be right. What about Finn?"

"Rachel... it's been a year since you had the breakdown. It's been five years since Finn's death. You may not believe it but you are ready to move on. I'm not suggesting you rush into anything straight away but it's been five years and you're ready", Paula says quietly, her eyes soft as she talks.

"But he's dating. He goes out with a different girl every couple of weeks. He's moved on".

"From what you tell me, he hasn't moved on at all. He'll be back at your side as soon as you tell him you're ready. He's been waiting for a year and a half already and he's not going to throw that away. If you tell him that you're ready, he will be there Rachel. Those other girls are just company while he waits for what he really wants: _you". _

"But what about the medication and the therapy visits? He's not going to want to date a crazy girl", she protests, her eyes wide and imploring.

"Don't pull that excuse Rachel Berry. He's been by your side for the last year despite you being on medication and seeing me. He was at your side before all that, trying to help you get better. Anyway, the medication won't be a problem anymore because you're officially off it..." Paula trails off, her smile widening as Rachel's eyes widen in shock.

"Wait, what?"

"Those medications aren't for permanent use. We generally prescribe them for a year unless there are any relapses. You're fixed Rachel. We've cured the symptoms of psychosis and in these therapy sessions, we've been slowly working on your depression... you're slowly getting brighter, whether you realize it or not. You're going to be okay. You're well on your way to recovery".

She doesn't say anything but beams as she launches herself out of her seat and rushes around the desk to hug Paula. "Thank you, thank you, thank you", she whispers quietly, her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't thank me, just go and get your man", Paula replies, her returning smile huge.

* * *

><p>She doesn't know what she's thinking. She doesn't know why she thought standing in Puck's bedroom in just her bra and panties was a great idea.<p>

Actually, that's a lie. She thought that she should show him what he's letting himself in for if he decides to date her. He knows all about her other issues - the therapy, the dead boyfriend, the breakdown – but he's never seen her scars. He's never seen the backs of her legs because she's always done her best to cover them up around people. He's never seen the burns that mottle what Finn used to call her perfect skin and he's never seen the little scars that litter the lower quadrant of her stomach; the scars she got from crawling over broken glass.

So, after Paula tells her to go and get her man, she gets a taxi (see? Progress!) over to his apartment. She plans her big speech and decided that unless she's in her bra and panties, it's not going to be perfect and this _needs _to be perfect. After everything she's put him through since they met, she owes him one perfect moment.

She waits in his bedroom nervously, forcing herself not to reach for her clothes and cover herself up. As soon as he opens the door and walks in, she flushes a deep red and opens her mouth. "This isn't a booty call", she begins, groaning internally when she realizes what she just said.

"Okay..." he trails off, frowning as he tries to work out just what this is. "You're standing in your underwear in my bedroom and I really have no idea what's going on so would you be kind enough to explain it to me?"

"I want you to cancel your date next week"

"Why? Do we have plans that I forgot about or something? If we do, I'm really sorry, Rach", he apologises, confusion still written all over his face. "Why do you have to be in your underwear to tell me that? You could have just texted me".

"No, we didn't have plans. We could have plans though. If you want to have plans, I'd be fine with us having plans... if that's what you wanted us to have. I'm fine with all kinds of plans", she rambles, her voice shaking with nerves. God, this is so much harder than she thought it would be.

"I want you to cancel your date because I don't want you dating anyone but me", she says seriously, her voice quiet as she stares at the floor, unable to look him in the eye.

"...what?" he asks again, disbelief colouring his tone.

"I don't want you dating anyone but me. I can't promise you that I won't get scared or run away when things get tough. I can't promise you that I'll suddenly have everything miraculously figured out. All I know is that I'm apparently healed now and that all I can think about is you so I want you to cancel your date because I don't want you dating anyone but me"

He's silent for a moment and her heart sinks in her chest as she realizes that she's probably just embarrassed herself for a guy that no longer wants to be with her. She slowly raises her head to look at him and she feels sick when she sees his blank expression. He's trying to let her down easily.

"Explain the underwear", he says, his face expressionless as he stares at her.

"I wanted you to see my scars. I wanted you to know what you'd be getting into if you agreed to cancel your date. I didn't want you to say yes and then months down the track, see me without my clothes on and be disgusted. I wanted you to see my scars because I wanted us to have a relationship. I thought that you liked me and oh god, I'm so embarrassed", she rambles, reaching for her clothes that she conveniently left folded on the bed. "So I'm just going to go now and if you could just forget that this happened, I'd really appreciate it".

"Rachel, wait", he stops her, his hand wrapping gently around her wrist. "Just wait". He doesn't say anything more but takes off his shirt and throws it into the corner of the room before tugging at his shorts. "Good thing I wore boxers today", he teases before tossing his shorts away. He stands back, allowing her to take a look at him, before he starts speaking again. "I don't have any scars, Rachel. What I do have is tattoos and in a way, they're like my scars"

She just stares at him, her eyebrows furrowed. She really has no idea what's going on.

"This one here is from when Quinn told me that she was pregnant but I wasn't the father. This one here is from when my dad got back in contact with me but it turned out he just needed a place to crash because his current wife had thrown him out. He was with me for two days and then I got home from work and he was just gone. I haven't heard from him again. And this one here, this new one, I got that when you got committed", he admits nervously.

She moves closer to him and tilts her head slightly to read the words written across his hip.

_What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. _

"Rachel, what I'm trying to say is that we all have scars and they're the things that make us who you are. And your scars, they're a part of you. Every time I look at you, they're going to remind me of what you survived; of just how strong and beautiful and funny and _incredible _you are and how it feels to know that you're _mine_".

She doesn't know whether to laugh or cry so she settles for both, a strangled little sound ripping from her throat. "Yours?" she repeats, needing him to clarify it.

"Rachel, you can't honestly think I would turn you down. You're everything I've ever needed and everything I never knew I wanted and you're perfect. Be my girlfriend?"

"Will you cancel your date?"

"Yes"

"Then yes. I would love to be your girlfriend. I would also love to not have to address you by your ridiculous nickname anymore", she says, a small smile stretching across her lips. She doesn't get a chance to say anything else before he tugs her closer and kisses her, his lips fitting perfectly with her own.

He pulls away after a few moments and she blinks, startled. "Noah. That's my name. Puck's just a stupid name I made up in high school so that I wouldn't get beaten to a pulp".

She just nods, her smile growing as she looks at him. Her hands are clammy and her heart is beating way too fast but when she looks at him, she finds that she doesn't mind.

"And Rach, as great as this is, you really have to put on some clothes. I can't keep kissing you when you're pressed up against me in just your underwear". She laughs and steps away from him to grab her shirt from the bed. "No, Rach. Grab one of mine. I've always wanted to see you in my clothes".

Five years ago, she lost everything but today, standing in front of him, she thinks that she might be able to get past it.

* * *

><p><strong>Fin.<strong>


End file.
